Relationship Help, Just Help!!

[scaredsilly]

The thing I felt when reading your post was how emotionally charged it was. It felt almost panicky. Obviously, I don't know your friend, and can't speak for her, but I do know that when I've been in crisis, the friends that I absolutely have to pull back from are the ones that show a lot of emotion, I just can't handle it. I also tend to back off from people who are trying to push me into doing things their way. Your friend is telling you she needs time and space, but your needs seem to be taking priority, in that you need to know what's going on with her, you need to know what's happened, you need to help her (but in your way) - if you want to help her, listen to what she is saying she needs from you right now. If you keep pushing, she may just feel smothered by it and overwhelmed and need to push you away completely.

That's the reason I am here. Because I am constantly having to dial it back with her. Moderate every word, worry about every approach, watch my expressions. It feels like I almost need to adopt a mask or a role with her lately because I don't know from moment to moment how to respond. If it sounds selfish to say I don't like feeling this way, so be it. I will stick it out with her, no matter what, because she is worth it and her presence in my life is a blessing, as I have told her. I'll do what I have to to support her. I'm here because I need an outlet for the despair that I am feeling right now. I am scared for my friend. I'm scared I will never see the person I once knew again. I'm scared she is changed forever. And it makes me sick with grief.

 

[scaredsilly]

You say there is nothing you wouldn't do... But does that include giving her the space and time that she's asked for?

Maybe it did "get through", and she's trusting you to do as she's asked?

I'm trying. I really am.

 

[Mystery]

Hi Scaredsilly, I'm really hearing everything you are saying above. What strikes me is that you seem to be convincing yourself that you have to wear a mask all the time in this situation with everyone and I'm glad that you can, at least here, not have to do that all the time.

Wearing a mask is something trauma survivors learn to do. It's not too healthy, imho, to wear a mask that covers intense emotions for too long. When I try to do it for too long, the pressure builds up inside me and leaks out in unexpected ways. At best it affects my ability to be fully present, concentrate and to breathe. I even start to get physically clumsy and tremors if I do it a lot.

When I tried to put myself in your shoes I remembered what happened when my best friend's 19yo son died suddenly in very traumatic circumstances. We were in our late thirties and had been friends for 20 years. I gave so much energy to her to pick her up, hold the fort when it happened. This was for her, her two other younger kids (plus my own 4). Then I was 100 per cent there for her for just over a year afterwards. She also was a trauma survivor before this happened. From family domestic violence growing up and sexual assault in her twenties.

She was a single Mum so had no partner to help her. Our kids were like cousins and we were really close like sisters who liked each other. We saw each other every day because we gave each other free childcare so that both could work part-time and know their kids were in a great place.

Just over a year afterward her son's death, she just stopped contacting me and answering my calls. I became concerned because she had rang me instead of lifeline a few times when she was at rock bottom. I heard from others that she was doing ok, so didn't panic. This continued for a few months, I thought maybe I had done something wrong but that she would contact me when she was ready.

She didn't. She received two huge payouts from her son's accident and was manically spending it and having a great time, I heard from several people. I sure didn't want any of her money but it hurt to think for some reason she was shutting me out especially when I had helped her at great expense to myself and my own family. Apart from the time and energy, I truly spent several thousand of my own money on her to keep her afloat, when I had little of my own.

I got over it and learned something. I just kept thinking, 'there but for the Grace of God go I' and didn't regret anything I had done for her and her kids because I just couldn't fully wrap my head around how she actually survived what happened to her son, buckets of compassion. About 4 years later I received a call from her in a crisis. She had nothing and no one and needed my help. Again I helped her, letting her live with me until she got a job. Again I helped her for two years to get on her feet in really big and small ways. She has just done the same again to me. She has utilized then abandoned me now that she is on her feet. I'm still her friend.

Sorry to dribble on, I just wanted to tell you that story because I've thought about that story in light of what you are going through and I wonder why I didn't get as hurt as you are. I've come to realize that I coped because I was so busy in my own life that I didn't really get time to think too much about it. That was probably a good thing. I just try not to get too emotionally involved in fixing her anymore. If she needs me I'm here. She is damaged. She's never going to be the same again as before her son's death. I've accepted that. I actually don't have the friend I once had.

I also happen to be very good at accepting loss. Maybe what you say about you experiencing abandonment earlier in life does have some bearing on the intensity of what you're feeling now. Going to a therapist is a great thing, I'm glad you are.:hug: