Relationship Help Me Understand Why I Am A Trigger

[libbylouise27]

@Solara, thank you so much for that insight and for sharing. It does seem like she goes through what you said. And by the way, I am so happy for you..it seems like things are improving for you. I can't even imagine what it is like. I've seen her check out a couple of times before but it only lasted a few days at the most. This is a couple of months, the only difference being is that she is in trauma therapy now and wasn't before. I think all the memories she's having to relive are just too much for her and then to handle a relationship on top of it, I guess it's just so hard because she knows I'm doing everything I can and would NEVER leave her but she is insisting on going. Even recognizing that she might just be numb from all the therapy. She keeps saying her anger is getting out of control and I see it. You ask her a simple question and I get the devil looking back at me. I love her so much, I don't want her to go...but it's out of my hands now and she's leaving. I told her I would wait for her....it's all I can do. Thank you for the insight, it certainly helped me understand what she might be feeling. It's so hard to not internalize this whole situation, maybe the time apart will allow me to grow and be stronger for her.

 

[Promicarus]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/libbylouise27.25351/"]libbylouise27[/DLMURL]

First of all, please don't feel bad that you don't understand. That's the first point. You shouldn't be expected to. At all. Because unless you've experienced PTSD "from the inside", it's very nearly impossible to. I would actually say that it is, in fact, impossible. I think that a review of supporter's experiences on this site, and elsewhere, will corroborate that fact.

Even after reading endless tombs related to PTSD, which I actually recommend as necessary to even beginning to understand...you will not. You may understand "as if from a remove", in the same way that everyone understands the concept of war. But only the soldier on the front lines really understands war, after all.

I want to attempt to absolve you of any guilt or feeling of responsibility you currently feel...for "being a trigger".
I think your fiance could have worded that better, or at least gone into more of a explanation as to what she meant. But so early in her process of recovery, she may not have/had much of a grasp on it, herself.

Anything can be a trigger. A bird tweeting. A passing car. Literally anything. In thinking of an analogy...it's like telling someone that they "remind me of someone". Is that your fault? Does it have anything to do with you? Of course not.
And most of us have at one time, at least, encountered someone who reacts negatively towards us for that reason alone...we somehow remind them of someone they dislike. I've had this experience, and only after exploring the person's reactions, learned that that was the case (I've probably encountered it more than most, as I have "one of those faces"..."Joe Average" kind of thing. People constantly approach me asking "Don't I know you?". Anyway)

And it's sad to say...Love may be one of the greatest triggers. That's right. Exactly what you've said...that

I have done everything I could from the day we met to show her a loving and happy life full of unconditional love.

...is itself a trigger. I know from personal experience. Why? Simple. Because it brings emotions to the surface...and people with a history of trauma have "frozen emotions"...meaning that not only are they unaccustomed to feeling and dealing with emotions, in general, as they've had to numb themselves often for an entire lifetime, in order to not feel the negative emotions they've stored related to their trauma.

...But that when they DO finally begin to feel emotions...it causes those toxic "frozen feelings" to "break loose", overwhelming them all at once. This is not only terrifying and bewildering, but can actually be destructive, on a "therapeutic/scientific" basis...as it is in effect "re-traumatizing" to be suddenly overwhelmed when a floodgate of horrible stored emotions floods over them. I've read professional texts, especially more recent ones, that discuss that specifically--that even under the guidance of a licensed therapist specializing in trauma, re-experiencing trauma-related emotion can cause serious setbacks, and even damage, to patients/clients.

In other words, you need to let yourself off the hook. I wish there were something else I could tell you...as to how to "win her back", or that "it'll be over soon, and you can reunite", etc.

But the unfortunate fact is that beginning treatment for long-term trauma, especially that originating from protracted abuse during childhood, is more like being re-born as an entirely new person. And while trauma-treatment for "single-incident-trauma", (i.e. a car accident, or injury in war), is known to be particularly difficult, and to require long and extensive, usually very difficult, counseling--often so difficult, it's all the client/patient can do remain engaged in therapy, at the cost of much if not most of the rest of what would be considered a "normal life".

I'm sorry for your loss, and your experience, but let yourself off the hook. Really. I hope you'll take the time to read about the experiences of other supporters both here and on other related sites, in order to put your mind more at ease.

If I were you, I'd look at it both in terms of "If you love something, set it free..."...in that your ex must be free to do what she needs in order to take care of herself and her own life and future, right now--and that often involves focusing only on oneself to the exclusion of others...

..But be grateful that you could be there for her in her time of need, show someone so injured that Love really does exist, and that she deserves it, and can actually expect to experience it...and to hold her hand as she makes the choice to enter a course of treatment.

I don't know you or her, of course...but I do know myself, and many others with backgrounds in trauma...and it's often just that "someone showing you that it's possible to Love, be Loved, and trust"...that finally tips the balance in favor of seeking treatment. After all, without that hope...that such is even possible...why not just remain "sealed" in your defensive walls...sealing out love and all other feelings...if you never imagine it's possible, anyway.

I think it may just be possible that you "showed her the light"...but with someone who's lived so long in darkness...too much light at once is blinding. But at least you showed her that there is a light...and the direction in which it lies.
You love her...be glad she has chosen to follow it, even if it means she must feel her way towards it gradually, and rebuild a life and a "self" from scratch...which is inevitably a solitary and arduous pursuit.

I've had a similar experience recently--realizing that I just "could not handle anymore". And it was by no means or in any way the fault of the other party. I just couldn't do it. I thought I was closer to "being out of the woods" than I, in fact, turned out to be...and I realized that I had to take care of myself, before additional stress caused me to lose ground. And our relationship literally has consisted of nothing more than contact over the internet.

She of course feels betrayed, abandoned, crestfallen. And Is unable to understand. Understandably and naturally. I feel miserable, abysmal. and disgusted with myself.

She was to me exactly what I described...showed me the light, that there is, in fact, hope. I was perched on the precipice when I met her--prepared to "go out in a ball of flame" of self-destructiveness...actively engaged of doing just that, in fact. It's no exaggeration whatsoever to say that without her and her influence, chances are probably over 70% that I'd now be dead. Literally. But is that "enough" to "heal me completely"...to the point that I am well enough to be a positive influence in her life...for that to be a "safe bet"...both near and long term? It is...in the movies. Not in real life, though.

Love is stressful, after all. And those with PTSD are particularly sensitive to stress. It literally causes "breakdowns" in those with PTSD, pulling all kinds of toxic emotions to the surface. It's difficult to see Love from that perspective, though, I know.

Just my two cents.
Be well.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @Jane.l might be right. Not that you are associated with the trauma, but (as Promicarus said) the emotions that surfaced. "I (she) did this (spoke) -then felt that (x)". And if the stuff is to be avoided, it ('you'- but not you, in reality) are a trigger and reminder.

It's hard to understand. Today I had no reason or trigger and 10 minutes too late remembered I forgot to get off the bus. And this is a good day. :( I've come to the conclusion it's 'natural' for us to try to reduce triggers or remove them entirely or to avoid pain. Not even consciously, but it arises nonetheless. Falling (more) apart and 'sitting with it' never feels like much of an option.

 

[open eyes]

I haven't read all of the comments so I'm not sure if something similar to my thoughts has already been said.

You've probably heard before that there is a thin line between love & hate. Sometimes the two get scrambled in our brains, especially in someone with PTSD.

You said that you had a great relationship for years, & it sounds like you two were totally dedicated to each other. I don't mean to sound corny but maybe since her love for you was so deep, it was the first thing she's felt that was as strong as the hate she felt towards her trauma? Sorry if I'm not making sense.

Trauma can cut a person so deep that they never feel anything that powerful ever again. Her love for you might've been the first thing since it in whole life that wasn't just on the surface, thus, reminding her of the emotions she felt from her trauma.

I hope things work out for you two, because you sound like a beautiful couple.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

As her trauma therapy neared she became more distant every single day. Then the therapy started and she checked out of the relationship completely and shut down from me almost entirely.

Therapy is an emotional journey... Love requires an enormous amount of trust. Sounds like she is a runner. And/or she needs her comfort zone to successfully focus on therapy. Good luck!

 

[libbylouise27]

All of your responses make sense & are very helpful. I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to try to help me bbc.co understand this. Her latest response to me is I make her incredibly angry when she sees me. I asked her to please explain why she feels that way & she claimed she has no idea why & if she knew she'd tell me. It's so incredibly heartbreaking.

 

[Echo]

@libbylouise27 - however hard things are for your partner, it is not fair to say that to someone unless you know the reason why. Actually it is cruel. It may be true, but she should find out with the help of a therapist what may be behind those thoughts before she dumps them on someone else.

I would really suggest that you take great care of yourself for the time being and consider what you need for your own health and well-being.

 

[libbylouise27]

@Echo. Thank you. I thought the same thing. My self esteem has taken a nose dive today.

 

[libbylouise27]

@Promicarus your response really opened my eyes. & I can't thank you enough for taking the time to explain all of that. I guess I just pray one day she'll come back.

Sorry to everyone if I haven't responded. I have lost my fiancé & my home this weekend. It's been a heartbreaking weekend. Thank you for all the support.