Helping People That Keep Hurting You

[Reclusive]

Remember, with PTSD you might not be able to control your emotions or your thoughts, but you CAN control your actions. And like any other adult, he's responsible for his. Joint counseling might be a way to go, or maybe he can seek out additional anger management resources.

My fiance gets violently angry sometimes - it scares him, so he controls it tightly. But I know he would never hurt me. The door, on the other hand, does have a hole in it.

 

[Abbi]

Perhaps take a look at the "Patterns of Codependency" on coda.org

 

[eagle6764]

I made the mistake of sticking by somebody who was forever using my innermost hurts to hurt me. My ex-wife destroyed my psyche - I could never have believed that one human being could do so much emotional damage. I've spent my whole life trying to do the right thing by others and always get kicked in the teeth for my trouble. I believe there is something about me that says "exploit me", because I alway seem to run into people who use me. I'm still struggling to understand which particular thing has given me the ptsd and real life has pretty much ended for me. All the things I had dreamed for myself never came to pass and I truly don't think they were ever meant to - It's fate.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Eagle- I am also amazed that one person can wreak such horrific damage in others' lives. Sometimes more than one person. It is like the world should explode, but no.......the birds still cheap on and cars zoom by like nothing just happened.

 

[eagle6764]

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling that way. Sometimes I have to remind myself that yes - one person really did cause so much damage, because I can scarcely believe it myself

 

[Babablacksheep]

Yes, helping people that hurt you happens very often, and it's a tough habit to break...but it CAN be broken.

 

[mamachick]

Some people you cannot help. If we put the same effort into helping ourselves rather than waste time on those that take advantage of the situation, we would be 75% better-I guess we have to learn to be good to ourselves and sometimes I just don't understand why that is so hard.

 

[eagle6764]

People have said that to me as well but for some reason that I can't pin down, being good to myself seems wrong. I think people who take advantage know that with each mess they get themselves into we will keep coming back, even when logic says it's a terrible idea. There are just a lot of people like that in the world, they're users plain and simple, they survive by controlling people through their emotions but are so often excrutiatingly cruel which is the staggering part for me. That I just don't get and can't rationalize.

 

[Abrasky]

I got back a bit more memory about this subject tonight and I thought about it a bit more. I was not able to make many friends before I went to uni. But getting away from my family for long periods of time allowed me to push myself past all their isolating behaviors. I think I remember learning from my friends at uni through their own filters how to get past my social anxiety. People can hurt you, even your friends can say silly things, but the real test of a friend was to me whether or not they took away your desire to seek the support of your friends. My filter has become all wrong since I got PTSD, like I couldn't use my this person should be my friend/ this person shouldn't filter. Everyone hurts, but do they hurt my ability to want to seek the support of others is an important learning for me and it means I can forgive a bit more and appreciate people supporting my ability to support/seek support.

 

[intothelight]

Sometimes I think PTSD and the baggage of abusive relationships colors the perception of all relationships. I have a good friend of mine that is helping me look at things in a more healthy manner, and she acts like my emotional barometer.

The other day we had a customer come in and he got very rude about the fact we did not have what he wanted in stock. Of course my mind goes instantly to what a failure I am, I can't do anything right, blah, blah. My friend steps out and firmly says "Sir, I can order this for you and it will be here in a few days or I can suggest alternative vendors. I understand your frustration, but that is the best we can do".

Of course he walks out because he wants it now. But she just turns to me and says "He was a rude ass". The thing is she was right. He was a rude ass and it had nothing to do with me. It was his problem, not mine.

To end this rather rambling post, I think that sometimes I have no boundaries as to where other people's problems end and my responsibility to them begins. I take on things that I shouldn't, weather it be an actual action or a feeling of responsibility. I end up being hurt by people that had no intention of hurting me and being hurt by people I really shouldn't even care about. Everybody has moments of being a jerk, I just need to learn to recognize them and learn the problem is theirs, not mine.

 

[mamachick]

Born to be a fixer. Oh let me fix it, let me make yuo more comfortable, dont worry-I will worry for you. Just an exaggeration of what I have done at times.

 

[ritchwitch]

I made the mistake of sticking by somebody who was forever using my innermost hurts to hurt me. My ex-wife destroyed my psyche - I could never have believed that one human being could do so much emotional damage. I've spent my whole life trying to do the right thing by others and always get kicked in the teeth for my trouble. I believe there is something about me that says "exploit me", because I alway seem to run into people who use me. I'm still struggling to understand which particular thing has given me the ptsd and real life has pretty much ended for me. All the things I had dreamed for myself never came to pass and I truly don't think they were ever meant to - It's fate.

THANKYOU for posting this. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I swear, sometimes I feel like I have a giant neon sign above my head that says "I care, take advantage of it!" And, yes, it is hard to beleive but one person can do that much damage.