Hi, My Name Is Sol And I'm A Commitophobe.

[Deleted member 1860]

I realize I post a lot here in the relationship forum, but I suppose that's akin to where I am in my healing. I'm trying to connect/re-connect with people and that's where the majority of my struggles lie.

I have a serious problem with commitment. I mean SERIOUS! And if I casually told someone I have commitment issues, I can pretty much guarantee that they would assume that it has a different meaning than what it actually does.

What usually comes to mind when you hear that someone has a commitment issue? Pretty much that they don't want to settle down with one person, they don't want the responsibility, they want their freedom, they want to play the field, yadda yadda yadda. For me, I've realized, not so much. It really goes a lot deeper.

For me, I don't want to commit because I don't want to be left. That statement "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" doesn't really fit me. No commitment means you can't leave me because you were never mine to begin with. And if you can't leave me, then it won't hurt and I can't feel the pain. Yes, we all know it doesn't really work like this, but in my mind it makes perfect sense!

I'm almost 33 and I've never had a real relationship where I've been able to say "so and so is my boyfriend" Yes, this is so sad. I had one of those high school "relationships" where I was "going out" with a guy, but I don't think that counts so much. In college I had a relationship of sorts where I insisted for the ENTIRE year and a half that we were dating (together?) that we were "just friends". Within the last few years I had another "relationship" of sorts where again, I insisted we were "just friends", although this one was far less serious than the one in college. And now, I'm in the same situation again. I have a guy pursuing me, but I keep telling him I only want to be friends. (So this time doesn't fit the pattern as I'm not interested in him like that, rather it is this situation that's brought to light my commitment issue. I hope this makes sense!)

And now that I think about it, I realize that there's a flip side. If I don't commit to someone, I can't disappoint them, as I was never theirs to begin with. Again, it doesn't really work like this, but it makes sense in my head! I'm TERRIFIED of disappointing people. I have this thing where I feel the need to be perfect, and when I mess up, no matter how small, I just move on. I figure that people will see me as flawed and leave me, so I beat them to the punch and leave them first.

I guess I want to get this all out because there is a great guy that I AM interested in (not the same as the guy who I mentioned above who is pursuing me), and I really don't want to mess things up with him beyond repair. I've made a few stumbles along the way and so far he's been understanding, but it gets to a point where you don't want to lay anymore of your issues on someone.

So there's a number of issues at play. I have a need to be perfect, then when I'm not I feel huge amounts of guilt. I can't bear the thought of being left, so I avoid the possibility at all costs. Yeah, this is getting me REALLY far! Well, I suppose I'm making steps by recognizing the issues as acknowledgement is the first step in fixing something, right?

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I needed to get that out.

 

[The Albatross]

:hug:

 

[Estacia]

There may be abandoment issues in your life you have not addressed that may be the reason you tend not to desire to commit. Do you believe that this could be an issue?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, I know that is an issue. My therapist specializes in attachment disorders, and while I'm not diagnosed with an attachment disorder, she says I fit some of the diagnostic criteria.

Somehow I never realized just how big of an issue this is. (Denial is such a powerful thing.)

I use every excuse in the book as to why I don't want to be in a relationship. The guy just wants sex, I just want sex (ha), I'm not good enough, he's not good enough, blah blah blah. Sometimes it's not so bad. I just want to "be" rather than have some stupid label. I guess its that label that freaks me out. If there's a label, I can't run at any time. I have some sort of responsibility to the person. Ugh.

But...I am talking to a great guy right now. And somehow, I've told myself that if things were to progress, I would fight my urge to run from him. Actually, I already am fighting that urge. I've tried to run from him multiple times and he's called me on it. I had that "oh sh!t" moment where I realized I was about to ruin a great thing, and came clean to him about my struggles. I'm amazed at how understanding and forgiving he is. So for now, this is what I'm working on. Not running from him. One step at a time, right?

 

[intothelight]

SOL,

Fear of failure can be huge, especially if "failure" had really negative consequences somewhere in your past. The thing is no one is perfect and no matter how hard we try to be, we end up falling short of our own expectations and beating ourselves up in the process. Sometimes the fear keeps us from even trying and end the end we are shorting ourselves and those around us.

I am probably not the best one to give advise as I always feel the need to control things so nothing bad happens, be a perfectionist so I don't "get in trouble", and have a perpetual feeling of not "being good enough". But I am finding that I can battle these things by starting small.

Facing fear takes great courage. I had to start by letting some little things go...like not finishing everything on my desk, leaving a dish or two in the sink, letting the dog hair stay in the car for a while, etc. While it may not sound like a big deal, I did learn that nothing "bad" happened when I let some things go and it let me loosen up a bit.

Same things with relationships. Let things progress slowly and when you feel the urge to withdraw, that is the time to stretch yourself, reach out and get more involved. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic, just a quick phone call, text, touch, little act of kindness, etc.

Pushing our own boundaries bit by bit will help you overcome some of the fears. Hope this helps and if it isn't relevant, just file it in the ignore pile.

 

[JustBe]

One step at a time, right?

I'm pulling for you SOL!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I just realized today that I'm always going to be alone. What does it matter if I die alone at the age of 95 or if I die alone tomorrow? Either way, I'll die alone.

 

[JustBe]

(((SOL))) Sometimes being alone is not so bad. It's way better than being in a toxic relationship.

 

[p-no]

What does it matter if I die alone at the age of 95 or if I die alone tomorrow? Either way, I'll die alone.

The difference is, looking at it today at age, well, below 95 I'd guess, that if you die alone tomorrow, you die alone tomorrow. But if you continue living you may find at age 40, 42 or 55 that you're not alone anymore.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((SOL)))

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I just realized that I disclosed this to my therapist yesterday and well...she didn't have much to say about it. Her only comment was that I wasn't the same person I was last year, or the year before. Oh, c'mon therapist, you can come up with SOMETHING better, right? (Honestly, her husband's health is failing, her client list is scarce, and I think she's too stressed to provide me good therapy anymore. Sad, really.)

Good news...I think that "naked guy" is gone for good. Woot!

Bad news...or maybe not so bad news...I think that the other guy is gone for good, too. I learned that he isn't into me. Movin' on, movin' on.

 

[JustBe]

SOL, I'm seeing you out and about on the forum being so very kind and supportive. Welcome back!