Hi! Sooo Need Advice Right Now...

[wantstobe there]

Hi everyone,

My name is Claire and I have pointed in this direction from the combat vets site. I am dating an army sgt who is suffering with ptsd and he is in one of his "isolation" phases. I know he is contacting other womwn and chatting to them online, but he says this is because finds himself unable to communicate with anyone close to him, and wants to chat with people that he has no history with and without any strings attached. I asked him if he wanted to finish with me as he wasn't responding to my texts or calls, but he replied that I would hear from him, he just needed to be on his own.
I am sooo confused right now - and am trying very hard to understand what is going on. The guys on the combat site gave me some great advice, but any more is more than welcome!
Please help this confused bunny! xx

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi wantstobe there,

Welcome to the forum! Isolation phases are a common coping strategy used by people with PTSD. Everything in the environment can overstimulate, especially anything interpersonal. The closer you are to another person, especially someone you care about, the more you need to watch out for your actions, reactions, triggers because you may be afraid to scare the person off. Superficial chats with people he does not know (or well at least) takes off significant amounts stress related to interactions. I would not see this as cheating or wanting to show you that he is not interested in you. On the contrary actually, I think he is trying to protect you from his reality and fears and behaviors. I know that for you this probably adds stress. If you are interested in the relationship please give your friend some time. In the meantime you could learn a lot about PTSD around here from people who have experienced similar symptoms to your boyfriend. Even with treatment, PTSD is not likely to fully disappear. So if you are serious about a relationship, you might benefit from learning as much as you can from both sides of the equation: sufferers and carers.

Best of luck!

 

[anni]

Hi wantstobe here,

Well yes, there's an awful lot to that of course. The thing is, is there are also boundaries with any relationship and with PTSD, combat or otherwise it's pretty important. The PTSD affects both the sufferer and carer in ways which make it really, really important for the boundaries to be set up and respected by both. Chatting with other women, for instance, is something which really would be something you would have to let him know is one of yours- that would be a hurtful sort of red flag for 2 people trying to have a relationship without PTSD involved. If he is isolating, certainly that is a completely understandable aspect of PTSD- we all do it. To do it while also trying to make it ok that he is chatting not just to other people but to other women to me is a boundary crosser, which seems to bespeak more than just 'no strings attached'. Perhaps when his isolating is over this time, and you do hear from him it would be good to get the boundaries figured out, you know? What you can both live with in the end, what you might require also. You're allowed to need something also, while helping him manage his PTSD.

There just does have to be a certain amount of balance with relationships with this. I'd hate to see you completely blocked out while so increasingly confused, with what sounds like an awful lot of things to tolerate in order to be able to be in his life when allowed. Part of being a carer is taking care of yourself too, however that has to be done. There really is a lot of information here, plus the threads in the Carer section have tons of discussions which I think you'll find extremely helpful.

Welcome to the forum, and please do be kind to yourself,

Anni

 

[Nicolette]

Hi wantstobe here

My husband is a combat vet and some of the things you mention are ones which he told me about when he was in his unmanaged/out of control phase of PTSD.

What you say about the isolation is true in that they can talk and deal with a total stranger as there is no consequence versus him saying something to you which involves his emotions and extra effort. He has to think of the consequence of what he says or does to you - it doesn't matter if he cheeses off a stranger but if he cares about you it does which then requires more of him, sometimes more than he has to give at the time.

Even living with someone with managed PTSD can tear your heart out when they can talk to people on here for hours without a problem, or a visitor without a problem but then avoids you like the plague as it does actually take them more energy to deal with someone close to them and when overloaded the strangers are the easier option. That being said, no manner of logic can take away the hurt feelings of being ignored.

PTSD is not an easy journey so you need to learn about the illness as early as possible as I wish I had taken it more seriously when I first was told about it as I read a leaflet and didn't think it was any big deal. Wow, did I learn some things and still do.

Anni is right though, the first step in dealing with PTSD is looking after you as if you lose it and he comes back then he'll be straight back out the door with stress overload. It's a balancing act that takes time but be kind to yourself and realise that it is only through experience you can learn as no one can teach you how to deal with it as each person is different. The forum gives you great insight into both Sufferers and Supporters so from those posts you can pick out what you think fits you best or ask questions and do the same with the feedback.

Good luck and welcome.

 

[wantstobe there]

Thank you Deaf Global Nomad for replying to my post, and for offering such soud advice! I want to learn as much as I can about this disease, because although we are not in a "serious" relationship - I do not think he is capable of that at the moment - I dont want to push him further away or make his symptons worse. So I will read read read and try and learn. The difficulty is of course that every person copes with and reacts to ptsd in a different way...and reacts differently to the way their carers treat them...thankyou again!

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[wantstobe there]

Thankyou so much Anni- I can see the wisdom in what you have said about boundaries.

The trouble is that we haven't been seeing each other that long and, as I said above, are not in a "serious" relationship. Right now I am just waiting for him to come out of this phase, although it has been nearly 3 months now, before I can discuss the future.

I am going to start a thread in the supporters section to ask more and would love your thoughts...thankyou again!

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[wantstobe there]

Thank you so much Nicolette for your advice and welcome...I gave such a huge sigh of relief when I read these replies...someone understands!!! And I have taken on board the comments about looking after myself and learning as much as I can.

Thankyou again!

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