High levels of anger and disconnect

[Deleted member 42055]

Hey everyone.

I had an account a while ago but there are just... reasons I can't keep using that one.

I feel like a different person. It felt like I reached a point where something in me just broke. Snapped.

I am much angrier than before- at least, I think it is anger. I feel disconnected from everything going on around me. I don't want to talk. I'm sick of people who were significant others wanting a future with me. I don't want a future. I don't want people to love me. I don't want someone touching me. I don't want any of that shit. I feel like I could hook up with a thousand people, break their hearts, and not give a flying f*ck.

There's something I relish about faking my happiness at work (retail, I'm a student finishing her year off). The creepy old men call me beautiful and sexy and I'm less upset by it. I'm just mad. I dare them to set me up in a situation where I can tell them how disgusting they are. Cranky customers? Come at me. I do not care. I have nothing left but just... this anger and apathy.

I see my therapist on Tuesday (I missed my last appointment with her and my psychiatrist, but I didn't care as much as I would have before),and I will probably talk to her about this. It's out of character for who I was. I was sensitive, kind, with empathy flowing out of my butt. I still have it, somewhere in me. There was a fight outside of my work today (not physical), between a girl and her (I guess now ex?) boyfriend. It got to a decibel that I went out and I stood in front of the girl as the guy yelled. My being there eventually scared him away and I turned to the crying girl and her friend who was trying to calm her down and I made sure both were okay. I told them that if he comes back, to tell me and I will take care of it.

I went back inside and was nearly sobbing because of how bad I felt for that girl and how grateful I was that she had her friend there to help her. So I KNOW that who I was once is still in there.

But right now? I'm angry. I'm getting booze from my friend, and I'm self medicating. My psychiatrist is failing me right now. I'm angry at the entire world and I'm read to fight it on my own. I mean, which is what I have been doing. But I'm done with people wanting a future from me. I'm over it.

Thanks for reading. Anybody know what I'm talking about? I hope I'm not alone in this.

Much love.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

My situation isn't quite like yours, but I have entire weeks of anger. The last two days have been really bad. I become apathetic when I feel like I have no fight left. But after time it goes away. Give your self some breathing space, don't worry about the relationship thing. Maybe try yoga or meditation?

 

[Edith]

Since stopping smoking & menopause & other big stuff I have enormous anger at times.

I just feel so hacked off & on edge.

It does help to walk, get outside & just be in nature I find.

I tried to get therapy but instead got a diagnosis of BPD which i don't think is right at all. The diagnosis hasn't helped my mood.

The self medication won't help your anger but I know that that is what seems to help at the time.

You sound as if you have been very hurt by someone & don't want to go there again.

 

[ladee]

You know what.... it is OK to be angry... it is OK to be apathetic... it really is...I feel if it came down to physical violence you would not participate, tho you feel you could..And shaming our self or finding something WRONG with those feelings is not helping...
You are angry, find out what you are angry about.... possibly you are feeling powerless over something or a lot of somethings.

It is only temporary... you know the real you is still there, by how you felt with the situation outside of work.... anger protects us... but it can become our enemy when we feed it.... anger on anger on anger....

Hope you have a break thru where you can find the source of your feelings, and just be ok with this is what you are feeling.
Self medicating is only going to prolong the healing.... but possibly you are angry at yourself for some reason or reasons.... you really don't have to punish yourself... you can just feel what you need to feel....

Hope things get different for you if you need it to be different... the anger is satisfying something in you that you cant get elsewhere... hope you find what you need.... I relate to everything you said... seems those days I am begging someone to cross the line with me,,,, everyone is nice that day... sucks, but its life...

 

[joeylittle]

I had an account a while ago but there are just... reasons I can't keep using that one.

Hi - we don't allow users to have more than one account, but you are allowed name changes (once per year). Please open a help ticket if your situation is more complicated and you need quidance on how to proceed. You are still able to log in with your old account. Or, you can use the 'contact us' link to get in touch with me directly.