Holding a boundary of being unfair?

[Friday]

Am I being unfair?
Or is this ok?

But I text my middle sister, who lives the same distance to them as I do (if not a bit closer) , and mum hadn't asked her for help. Just me.
Which is old patterns. Always me that was made to manage everyone's situation.

It DOES crack me up that your knee jerk is YOU are being unfair (to whom???), when it’s your mom unfairly dumping ON you.

Good on recognising scripts & schemas in play.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @Friday

I think saying no was the right thing
But I am having a bit of a melt down. I'm taking it to difficult places with images of my mum's body, and pressure, and the past. So backlash for saying no really kicking in.

 

[PlainJane]

What do you need to deal with the backlash?

 

[Movingforward10]

What do you need to deal with the backlash?

I was thinking about that whilst swimming this morning. (Swimming helps).

When I do something that is like this (something that evokes a backlash), when the intensity lessens it then all doesn't feel real. Which is where I am at now. So when it doesn't feel real, it then becomes really confusing as I then think my stance isn't real/I am making it up, so I should do what is expected of me/revert back to the behaviour that doesn't cause backlash.
But I've learnt that something not feeling real usually means it is real, so stick with it.

So I think I am getting through it.
The intensity has lessened.

And I have therapy a couple of days early this week, which is helping as I know I can see T in 48 hours and bring this to her.

And it helps having everyone on here respond and explain (helps so much , thank you! ).

And also my partner being very clear that if I went to my parent's it would set me back so much. I've been working really hard to see my body, and particular body parts, as mine and not my mum's, and not have images of my mum's body when I see my body, and this has all just shifted a few weeks ago. If I was around her and her needing care , and her touching me, etc, it would set me back. I've still never said to her "please don't touch me". .Anyway, I do know not going is the right thing. I can't cope with being so close to her, or being in their home again so soon, or going to that area again so soon.
So whilst I have other messages in my head, and the feeling non of this is real, I *do know* it is real. And that this is how I feel (I can't go).

 

[scout86]

was very close to telling sister why I can't go

I have no idea what the situation is, why your sister doesn't already know, so I'm not going to try to give any specific advice. I'm just going to say that, in my own situation, I've told a few people "why I can't" whatever over the past few years. I think you have to pick your people carefully and there's no guarantee things will go a way you want. But, in general, it's been helpful more often than not. I've been really surprised at how helpful.

Here's another thing I didn't expect. Even though the whole "getting help to stay in the house" thing didn't go anywhere, it helped ME that I spent the time and effort to try. Not so much because I spent the time and effort, but because I got to see things blown out of the water for no good reason. And these were things that other people did that helped other people. The rejection had nothing to do with me not measuring up, it was clear that the "problem" lay elsewhere. (In my case, my mom never got the chance to complain about "the help". My brother announced, at a care plan meeting, that it wasn't needed. Control thing on his part. He actually wanted my dad stuck in the nursing home....) Anyway, this stuff is complicated. You can only do what you can do and be who you are, No one is obligated to be a target. (On that theory, I skipped my mom's funeral, since my dad was already dead and I knew my brother's plan was to use me for target practice.) Hang in there!

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks for sharing @scout86

I can see that organising help and for that to be turned down would shine a light on what it really is about.
I think I am not even sure I could organise help! I have two older sisters. So I am not on my own in terms of it *having* to be me. It always was me sorting out stuff. But they can do this. They both have far more of a relationship with my parents than I do, but my parents view them as incapable, which they are not.

I have been mulling over what your experience has been of sharing. And really wondering about where I am with sharing.
I need to mull it over with T (again!). Because wondering what I want? To justify my actions? To get them to understand?
I fear that if I tell anyone in my family, they will use it for them own agenda. And I don't know if I am, or am not, strong enough to deal with a reaction that makes me have emotions.

 

[scout86]

I fear that if I tell anyone in my family, they will use it for them own agenda. A

I think that's a totally legitimate fear. Let me share one more story (maybe 2).

When I was very little, I was "molested" by an older cousin. You know where that goes. Eventually figured out it was a problem and started to deal with that. But I didn't want to deal with HIM. When my dad died, my brother & I were both supposed to do eulogies. That cousin was coming to the funeral. They were going to stick the whole family in a small room to wait to go into the church. That was WAY beyond anything I thought I could deal with. Soooo, I explained the situation to the minister who was in charge. A guy I'd never met. All I knew about him was that my dad liked him. (That was a positive endorsement.) I had NO idea what to expect and was kind of terrified. He never missed a beat. He said, "You know, I'll bet you could use some privacy to prepare your speech. Use my office, I'll come & get you when it's time to go in." I'd nominate him for sainthood if that denomination did saints. LOL

Because of the situation, I avoided a lot of family gatherings. Weddings, funeral, reunions, etc. For years. A lot of that I regret. I was also concerned that my absence was seen as not caring. So, I made a road trip to talk to a few cousins I actually like and tell them why I avoided stuff. I guess I was looking for forgiveness, but I was also kind of hoping there'd be a way I could get included back in the family, without having to confront the evil cousin. That was a mixed bag. The visit was mostly fun. I was reminded that I really like these people and it was kind of cool to feel like a part of a family for a bit. They believed me, and were supportive. I made it clear though that anything the cousin went to I wasn't going to be at. They all live in the same area. He's had an important role in the family. I get that it's a problem for them. I was hoping, maybe, that when there's a family reunion for example, I could come and meet up with them someplace without him. That hasn't happened. So it goes, I guess.

The biggest lesson I learned from all this, at least so far, is that the world won't come to an end of you take a chance on people. Even if you're disappointed. I think there's a PTSD thing that makes us feel like speaking a truth is a life threatening risk. In reality, there's a risk, but it's not often it's life threatening. It's not easy to navigate and there are no guarantees about how anything will turn out. I think the best you can do is try to sort out what your own values are and live by those. You don't owe anyone anything you don't want to owe them. Good luck! It's probably not going to be a fun journey but you might learn some useful stuff along the way.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thank you for sharing your experiences @scout86 . I'll really glad the minister provided what you needed in that moment and helped.

I can understand the mixed bag response and the desire for something and managing the reality of what these family relationships can offer you, or not.

I think there's a PTSD thing that makes us feel like speaking a truth is a life threatening risk. In reality, there's a risk, but it's not often it's life threatening. It's not easy to navigate and there are no guarantees about how anything will turn out. I think the best you can do is try to sort out what your own values are and live by those

And thanks for highlighting this ^^. That is true: this feeling that a disaster will happen with sharing the information. Whatever happens, I do know I can navigate it. I've got this far. It's fear of emotions and fear of navigating it too that is holding me back.

Idk. It's all so tricky.
And as I said to T just now, there is only one way to find out.