ED Is my boundary reasonable?

[OceanSpray]

I have an eating disorder and it’s taken a lot to get to a place where my weight isn’t a huge mountain in my head anymore. To keep it that way, I need people around me to not talk about their weight, loss or gain. I need people around me to view and talk about food in a neutral way, nothing is wrong or bad. I’ve worked with a dietitian and she was very against weight and the scale, she heavily focused on balance, increasing activity, water intake, and other numbers (like blood sugar).



My sister has a few chronic issues and her doctor referred her to a dietitian and I have communicated my boundaries to my sister multiple times and tried to give her the advice that mine did while she was waiting for her first appointment. But now she’s lost 10 pounds and she inserts it wherever she can and talks about how her dietitian is so proud of her and how exciting it is.



And I just want to die. It’s making me spiral. I have a couple things I’m doing today that will help me cope and calm down but I’m frustrated because nothing I say is ever heard by her and if I say anything like hey congrats but can we not, she says I’m not supportive and need to get over myself. Is she right? Am I being horrible for not celebrating it?

 

[Friday]

A boundary doesn’t change anyone else’s behavior… that’s negotiation, or influence, or manipulation, or, or, or. Any of a dozen ways to ask/demand/force behavior from others.

A boundary is what have & what WE DO. Any of a zillion possibilities, healthy or unhealthy, subtle or earth shattering kaboom.

Right now? She crosses your boundary and you’re responding with emotional dysreg & SI. There MAY be no way around that. So let’s assume there isn’t, in order to discuss options.

A)
- Talk to her (negotiation) OF COURSE IM NOT SUPPORTIVE IM SUICIDAL. I would love to be happy for you & celebrate, but I’m trying not to kill myself instead. PLEASE, talk to absolutely anyone, & celebrate your victories as you well deserve to do, just NOT around me. My eating disorder is not in a place where I respond rationally. I understand if you cannot, or will not, but that will mean I’ll need to not be around you until I have my eating disorder under better control.

- Take immediate action (leave the room/house, hang up the phone, put in earbuds & close your eyes/ignore her completely… whatever is best feasible in the moment) whenever she brings up the topic, to see if you can tolerate that level of stimulus without spiraling.

- Take immediate action (scream, throw things, hit her, thrash & flail about). Nope not a great action, but it’s an action.

- Take prophylactic action (discontinue your relationship with her, or at least being in her presence, until your eating disorder is under better control).



How about if moving the boundary itself IS an option?

B)
- I tend to think of my own boundaries in the terms of soft & hard limits. Other people conceptualize & action differently. Soft limits vex me, but I don’t nope out when they’re crossed. I’m warned that we’re NEARING where I’m going to nope out. Which gives me sooooooo many more options than the binary right side & wrong side of a boundary.

- My personal list of things to work on is a double helix of “most annoying” & “most problematic”. If this is an ongoing thing in your life? It would reach the top of both my “hit it” lists. If it’s intermittent? Eh. I probably wouldn’t choose to work on myself in this area, as other things would have priority. ANYTHING that kicks up dysreg & SI, though is veeeeeery much worth bringing up with your T, and if not working on changing your own reactions, working on (like the above in A ways to mitigate the effects).

…okay, there are like 8 other ways off the top of my head to shift things about, but it’s probably more useful for you to thrash out ideas relevant to you and your life I would have no idea of.

 

[Friday]

It’s also probably worth noting that it is reeeeeeally common for people suffering personal tragedy to be unable to handle the good side of ...I don’t have the word.

Not just in ED.

Probably one of the best known examples is people who’ve suffered a miscarriage not able to react rationally around other people’s pregnancies / infants. It’s not that they don’t want to be happy for them, it’s that their tragedy SHREDS them, in the reminders. Until it doesn’t.

After my divorce? I couldn’t work with kids, full stop. I had a 6 figure deal selling a curriculum I backed out of, I quit teaching, even being on public bus when kids boarded left me suicidal as f*ck, I. Could. Not. Handle. being around other people’s children, when my own child was being hurt.

This kind of thing? Happens.

It’s not about whether or not it’s reasonable …it’s real.

 

[arfie]

much empathy, oceanspray. i, too, have an eating disorder and need to keep my intellectual diet as far as possible from mainstream dieting intake. alas, dieting seems to be an even more popular topic than romance/dating --a topic i find equally disturbing. asking people not to talk about ^it^ around me seems reasonable enough, but the closest i have ever come to making that boundary work is to quietly get myself up and leave the room when the subject comes up. no drama or fanfare. it's just time for me to go.

that said. . .

kudos on keeping your advice intake focused on your dietician's guidance. when it comes to managing an eating disorder, too many cooks literally spoil the soup. customize, customize, customize.

 

[Movingforward10]

And I just want to die. It’s making me spiral. I have a couple things I’m doing today that will help me cope and calm down but I’m frustrated because nothing I say is ever heard by her and if I say anything like hey congrats but can we not, she says I’m not supportive and need to get over myself. Is she right? Am I being horrible for not celebrating it?

It's a big deal for her.
But it's also a big deal for you.
Problem is: it's at opposite ends.

You're not being horrible. You're trying to cope. She is experiencing it as dismissive and unsupportive. Prob much the same way you're experiencing her continuing to talk about it when you said you can't?

So, sounds like not talking about it between you is the way to go. That way it doesn't trigger you and she doesn't feel you're being unsupportive.
At the moment, sounds like both of you wants the other to change. But maybe you both got to accept that the other sees it at the opposite end.

 

[Weemie]

You're allowed to have whatever boundaries you want, but boundaries are how you control your behavior. They can't control another person's behavior. If your sister talks about weight in a way that doesn't work for you, then it's up to you to exit the conversation.

"If you keep talking like this, I'm walking away," is perfectly reasonable on its own. What the subject actually is, doesn't really matter. You're allowed to not have conversations you don't want to have.

 

[Muttly]

Agree with what everyone else is saying, especially @Friday.

Also, I've been in similar situations. It's hard and I am sorry you are dealing with that. Hopefully this struggle is temporary. as your sister settles into her new life and you settle into your healing you'll be able to find a more comfortable place

 

[OceanSpray]

You guys are completely right. I’m also calmer now, the SI was pretty temporary this time, and I think it was hormonal. Which is not great but hopefully I can prepare better next time.

It’s also a deeper issue and I needed to remember that instead of focusing it in this one area. She’s making choices that she knows are only going to cause more issues in the end and she’s old enough (and has children, so responsibilities) to know better but actively chooses to ignore anyone she perceives against her. I have been practicing just backing away and letting her do her thing and not getting emotionally invested. But something about this one time just hit.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Friday for saying not reasonable but REAL. Even when I've realized it doesn't seem right, not rational to be affected by something so badly (eg around families) that is kind to say. I wish no one felt it but am glad it's not just 'me'.

Hope you feel better @OceanSpray .

 

[Muttly]

It sounds like you have some good thoughts around this. Family can definitely be a struggle. If you need to, you can print out what you said so you have it as a reminder.

I have been practicing just backing away and letting her do her thing and not getting emotionally invested. But something about this one time just hit.