Home For 5 Years Now. Things Just Get Worse.

[Sarg]

Oh, man, Combat nailed it!!!! When I had something that had to be done, and I was going into indian country to get it done, I made it a mission. I didn't even think about it until Combat just said it. It works, really!!! Set your mind, "you've got your orders" sort of stuff. Military training.

Look, I'm just pulling my dead ass up out of the slime (again) and trying to get motivated. If I can do it at my advanced stage of deterioriation, so can you!

Good shot! Combat.

Sarg

 

[IraqVet86]

Right on, guys. That's a great way to motivate. I NEVER failed at anything I set out to do in the military.

 

[IraqVet86]

Hey guys, just wanted to update. I made it to my appointment with my new psychologist yesterday. It was tough since I have not talked to anyone in months.
The guy had my crying like a baby in less than 10 minutes. Not sure if that is a good thing.
I don't really know what to look for in a good psychologist yet, as I haven't had the best of luck. I have been reading some of the other posts about helpful people who you just need to connect with.
He did tell me that he can help me though.

One thing that really bothered me about my appointment though: please comment on this guys. The new guy I went to see did not really let me avoid questions very much and was really straightforward about asking me uncomfortable and painful things. Which is probably why I was nearly having an anxiety breakdown in the first few minutes of us talking. I just about made a break for the door!
Also, my appointment with a prescribing provider was pushed back to almost 2 months from now!
Frustrated.

 

[combatgoldfish]

Hey guys, just wanted to update. I made it to my appointment with my new psychologist yesterday. It was tough since I have not talked to anyone in months.
The guy had my crying like a baby in less than 10 minutes. Not sure if that is a good thing.
I don't really know what to look for in a good psychologist yet, as I haven't had the best of luck. I have been reading some of the other posts about helpful people who you just need to connect with.
He did tell me that he can help me though.

One thing that really bothered me about my appointment though: please comment on this guys. The new guy I went to see did not really let me avoid questions very much and was really straightforward about asking me uncomfortable and painful things. Which is probably why I was nearly having an anxiety breakdown in the first few minutes of us talking. I just about made a break for the door!
Also, my appointment with a prescribing provider was pushed back to almost 2 months from now!
Frustrated.

Expect slow results as far as the meds go. It's the government, hurry up, and wait.

As far as the doc, it always seems like the doc and the vet have a different idea on how fast things should go and certainly expect them to test the waters at first getting to know some of your areas and limits.

 

[Sarg]

IV86, crying is good. I call it getting the poison out. Your cup is full and over flowing. Best to have it come out this way than to give someone a knuckle sandwich. If the shrink tries to bring out things you don't want to talk about, tell him/her. Tell them you'd rather talk about that later.

You can't take giant steps with PTSD. Baby steps. Slow and steady.

You really need to see therapists more frequently than this. At this point you have the option of contacting the Patient Advocate at the VA. Tell her that you need to be seen more often. They will say they will get right on it, but usually don't. Next step is to contact the hospital administrator. After that, it's your Congressmen. The govt. needs to hear from us loud and clear, because they don't seem to be listening very well right now.

Other than that, I'm here if you need me.

Sarg

 

[IraqVet86]

Thanks Sarg, Goldfish. The doc told me he would see me every 2 weeks starting yesterday. So I'm not sure if there is a problem with that frequency..? But the Psychiatrist will not see me for 2 months to get me on meds.
I have avoided telling anyone the truth for 5 years so that I could keep my job in the Army, and now my job in Corrections.
I have finally gotten to the point of get help or die, and I'm constantly told to wait.
Sarg, do you think contacting the Patient Advocate will help in my case?, as the clinic told me they are short a couple of providers and that is the reason for the wait.

 

[Jimmy1]

IV86, crying is a real good sign actually. This will probably be another one of my analogies, but it's how I think about it.

During our military training, we are taught to withhold our emotions and keep them in check. This happens with all emotions. We cannot get angry at our Drill SGT's or our Squad Leaders etc. The only anger we show is in combat, or combat training. We cannot cry or show weakness in front of them or the rest of our squad or else we will be ridiculed, so the only way to get through training is to bottle it up. But we have to be careful too, so I think of it as a cast iron container that we put all our emotions in. We then put a wax seal on it, then wire it shut. Something happens with PTSD though, and it produces cracks in our seal. We find ourselves crying for no reasons, we get angry at ourselves for this, a sign of weakness. We then get angry at the world its easier.

I have not cried for over six years. I cried for 5 minutes when my father died. I hate it, but am working on it.

IV86, the more crying you do is good, it will let it out. All that frustration and hurt.

 

[Sarg]

IV86, try the Patient Advocate! Your VA might be very different than the one I was going to. You won't know until you try! Yeah, I know, PTSD wants us to do whatever isn't good for us! Don't listen top the beast and do what is good for you.

Sarg

 

[IraqVet86]

H

IV86, try the Patient Advocate! Your VA might be very different than the one I was going to. You won't know until you try! Yeah, I know, PTSD wants us to do whatever isn't good for us! Don't listen top the beast and do what is good for you.

Sarg

Can you please explain what you mean by PTSD wanting me to dowhat isn't good for us? Are you talking about the constant self-defeating behavior I seem to be engaging in?

 

[Anglesachse]

That will definatly be a yes then. PTSD is a big shit pit that is a pain to get out of. But we have to brake the circle of PTSD

 

[Sarg]

Yep! I beat myself up all the time. Did it this morning. Had my blues lesson to go to and for some reason my anxiety level soared the closer I got to the time to go. A whole swirl of negativity in my head. "I can't play the blues", "I can't learn anything at my stage of ruin."

I'm OUT of groceries but will be damned if I'll go now as there will be too many people there.

I'm my worst damned enemy. I work hard at destroying myself.

This is today. Just hope tomorrow is different.

Sarg

 

[medic5]

IV86,
The Patient Adocate in Montana has been really helpful with me. Be polite but firm in demanding that you need help. With an election year coming up hitting your congressman or senator up for help is also a good idea, especially if one of them is up for reelection. An other good advocate to help is the DAV, VFW or American Legion or the VA chaplain. I have used the chaplain and the VFW and AI to help me.

I wish that I could cry. I've stuffed things for so long I'm not even sure if I can cry. I take that back my eyes will tear up if I see an animal hurt. Therapist says I would feel better if I would cry. I think part of my problem is in the back of my mind I picture crying as a sign of weakness. Military and medical training teach you not to show the emotion. As you are tending to a 17 year old soldier ( parents signed the papers) who you know is going to die ( and you want to cry at the waste of such a young life, but you can't because you were taught to lie at times like this) you tell him that it will be okay and then you hold his hand as he dies. Then you move on to the next wounded. This was the part of my job that ate away at me. I often wondered how many I actually saved and did I do right by them. Sometimes I wonder what kind of life they have now. Sorry guys I'm rambling and having a hard time focusing (flashbacks with auditory) Signing out.