Sufferer Homicide Survivor

[badream]

Hello. It is a bad dream and I can't wake up. It has been three years, since the event that tipped the apple cart over. Someone hated me so much, he wanted me dead.

The night he came into my house, three of my Grandchildren were asleep on the other side of the door, from where I stood with a shotgun . I could not pull the trigger. I did not want to wake up the babys with a shotgun blast and have my 3 year old Granddaughter get up and see a man splattered in the stairwell. He killed my friend instead of us that night . Her body was tossed where I would find her.

My anger is out of control. Isolation , nightmares, Xanax and vodka have been my companions for several months. Reading your posts here, have been a comfort to me. I am not alone. Alright, I am pushing the submit button. 1.2.3. GO.

Thank You

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome! Wow, I can't even imagine what that would do to me...at least you are surviving. Not thriving, yet, but reaching out in any form is so very important.

You are NOT alone, and you have grandchildren to live for. If you can't fight for yourself, fight for them. I think you are very brave to come here and begin to tell your story. It helps to get the poisonous thoughts out of your head where they grow and fester like a boil.

Bless your heart for having the courage to hit the "Submit" button!

 

[badream]

Thank You for the welcome Angelkeeper. You are right, it is a relief to tell someone. The boil began to pop just a bit back in October (I think ,I am not good with dates and times) . It felt like my soul was screaming. I had to leave the state after it happened, leaving behind everything , including those beautiful babys. I will live, to see them again someday. I will fight. Thank You again for your words.

 

[safenow]

Hello, badream. Welcome to the forum. You'll find lots of support here.

I was in hiding from my ex-husband for 8 years. He put a contract out on me, so I understand how you are feeling. He liked to hurt people. He already murdered more people than I like to think about. I too left the state because of him. In fact, a couple of states. I"m really sorry about your friend.

When my ex- found me the last time, I tried to get my roommate to leave, but she wouldn't go. I was so afraid he'd hurt her to get to me. Finally, things worked out, but it sure left me in a panic for a lot of years. In fact, I still have effects from it, even all these years later.

I hope you can process it with someone so you don't have the residue I do. Bless your heart.

Don't forget to breathe. And be sure to give the local police a picture of him. I know you will see those babies again. The important thing is, you stayed alive. Don't worry about fighting. That too will come.

 

[badream]

Nail + Hammer + Head. I will never be the same person I was. Not in mind, body, spirit or name. Thank you for blessing my heart.

 

[safenow]

I will never be the same person I was.

Maybe not, but you can become a better person than you were. No one stays the same. We all change with the events in our lives. Allow this to be a lesson learned.

Rules for being human, author unknown. This was given to me many years ago. I kept it since it seemed to make sense to me. Let me know what you think of it. Thanks.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for as long as you live. How you take care of it or fail to take care of it can make an enormous difference in the quality of your life.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day, you will be presented with opportunities to learn what you need to know. The lessons presented are often different from those you THINK you need.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error and experimentation. You can learn as much from failure as you can from success. Maybe more!

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it (as evidenced by a change in your attitude and behavior), then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no stage of life that does not contain some lessons. As long as you live, there will be more lessons to learn.

6. “There” is no better than “Here”. When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply discover another “there” that will again look better than your “here”. Don’t be fooled by believing that the unattainable is better than what you have.

7. Other are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. When tempted to criticize others, ask yourself why you feel so strongly.

 

[badream]

I do not believe in the same way as I used to. I spend more time thinking than I do believing now. Thank you for sharing , it is something I will have to think about.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I'm pleased you found us. Hopefully the information and support you find here will help you move forward in your healing journey.

 

[Pinkcake]

How very horrible and heartbreaking. I am so sorry you had to experience that and that this person is so hate filled that they committed such an act.

Are you in active therapy? It is okay to never be the same you were before that attack. Experiences in life change us, no matter how big or small. Accepting those changes and using the experiences, bad or good, to grow and become stronger is the hurtle that we face.

i hope that you are able to begin healing soon.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Mcll]

Wow. I am so sorry that happened to you and your friend. I am glad you and your grandchildren are safe. I understand why you moved away from them, feeling you needed to protect them. Not only did this man (monster) do this to you but he is still affecting your life by not letting you live it the way you want, in peace with your loved ones. It is not fair and you have a right to be angry.
Has this man been arrested? If you need to talk about it, I hope you find some comfort here.

 

[badream]

Thank you to everyone for the welcome and understanding. It is good to be heard. The silence has been shattering.
I have not been in therapy . I was given sedatives by a Doctor before leaving, and saw a clsr a couple times in state number three as soon as I was able to obtain an ID and Social. I am currently in State number four, and in process of applying for services here.

The assassin was arrested and convicted of involuntary manslaughter. (in a plea bargain, after midnight in a courthouse hearing without public notice within three days of the incident)

I was told to be silent. It was not hard, as the only question I was asked was to identify her body.