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Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

So I talked about some of my stories ideas with my "autism translator" home helper and I then slept two hours before spending most my days writting a 3.400 words storie about time traveling. I finished it but I'm really not about to ask beta reading or even reread my text because I'm too in burnout to want to. I'm planing to publish it somewhere when I'll be able to get the struggle of rereading and beta reading.
 
Getting slowly back to normal. I should take care of my body but I'm so done. I'm procrastinationg testing if I can still drink my milk (a long time ago since I opened the thing) and I'm so exhausted. Kitchen is a mess like so often it's too hot inside and my ear hurts probably from noise cancelling things keeping been inside. In short, not my best morning
 
downside of being dissociated 24/7 : you don't realise how sick you are
I had a little hurt at my ear this morning and after a full day (along the one I could have go to the doctor but didn't because I thought it wasn't important because felt like just an irratation) the evening it got worse to the point I felt to need to seek a doctor but of course it's the week-end now. So I'll have to got to another town in the hospital to get it checked and given the evening updated symptoms it's likely an infection. Hate my life
 
downside of being dissociated 24/7 : you don't realise how sick you are
I ended up in the ICU for 2 weeks (and on supplemental oxygen for a year, and nearly 2 years to recover, entirely) because of that, once! >.< I was supposed to spend 6-8mo in hospital, but my insurance wouldn’t pay for decreased levels of care, only increased levels of care. So once I was stable enough to be moved out of the ICU? I was kicked to the curb. They DID cover my oxygen tanks, though. So it could have been worse.

All the best to your ear! Untreated ear infections have craaaaaaazy consequences. Such little things, for so much to go wrong. Good on you for getting it sorted.
 
I ended up in the ICU for 2 weeks (and on supplemental oxygen for a year, and nearly 2 years to recover, entirely) because of that, once! >.< I was supposed to spend 6-8mo in hospital, but my insurance wouldn’t pay for decreased levels of care, only increased levels of care. So once I was stable enough to be moved out of the ICU? I was kicked to the curb. They DID cover my oxygen tanks, though. So it could have been worse.

All the best to your ear! Untreated ear infections have craaaaaaazy consequences. Such little things, for so much to go wrong. Good on you for getting it sorted.
Fortunatly it was still the begining of an otitis
 
So it took me 4h to get a consultation, go back to my town and get the drug prescription. Also I have medical related trauma but I was more paniqued dying because an unusual hurt that paniqued about being at hospital
 
I wish I didn't start reading violence in fiction. And getting further and further with it. And writing it. So far of what I'm ok with. I keep asking myself if writing that kind of thing is doing anything positive for me. I asked my therapist. If she had a clear answer about it I don't remember. I'm not good with emotions. I regret I went so far about what I'm reading and writing about ficiton. I maybe should ask her one more time how I know if it's doing anything good for me.

It's like books were the only things to be reliable in my whole life.

I keep trying to make the good choices but it looks like no one knows what the good choices look like.
 
sorry if my way of expressing is messing around but I often need to separate things. I know my mind lock this things for my well-being but it doesn't feel right so I keep digging to find out what it is. Maybe it's just a misplaced post as whole since I understood I reading and writing to understand what's going inside of me.

I knew it again and agian but keep forgetting every times. Sorry for this useless post

I always forget I forget all the time the same things. It's like someone is lock in a day that start over each day and this person can see me realizing something every days of the day on repeat
 
Maybe I somehow think if I read and write thing terrible enough my brain will allow me to know what it kept hidden from me
 
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