Relationship Hope Someone Can Help Me....

[cmjl]

My girlfriend suffers from PTSD. For the most part she does very well handling things. However, when we are having a conversation (about anything) there are times if I say something she doesn't like or doesn't agree with...well, it turns into a huge fight with her verbally abusing me. It's like it escalates...when she gets to this point there is absolutely no reasoning with her. I never know what is going to set her off or why.

She says very hurtful things to me (directed at me)....using things I told her (vulnerabilties) to verbally bash me. This seems to happen every few weeks. It seems like the better things are going between us, the worse the abuse is when it happens. After she finally calms down, which is usually the next day (sometimes 2)...she never apologizes. When I try to talk about it she points the finger at me...saying "well you did this or you did that". It's like she sees nothing wrong with her behavior. I have told her...."I understand that you have been hurt and that you have PTSD, but that does not make it right for you to verbally abuse me". She acts as if "it is what it is, and I should just accept it". Well, I am human and the cruel things she says to me cannot be erased from my mind. I'm starting to feel really down and depressed.

I love her very much. I told her I would do my part in learning more about PTSD but she needs to do her part also. I want her to get professional help, and she won't do it.

Any advice anyone can give...I would truly appreciate it.

 

[nomedic1]

It's a never ending road, but if you are the one for her, you will ride the waves of pleasure and pain, and in the end you will both be stronger.

 

[kahlan]

Is she in therapy?

Ptsd can make it harder for someone to control emotions, its not an excuse for being abusive though,physically or verbally. The fact that she doesnt even seem to care that she's hurt you concerns me.

Love and patience can go a long way but not to the extent its harming your wellbeing. Set up some boundaries regarding behavior, try walking away from escalating emotions and come back to the discussion when you're both calmer, and work on communicating in a healthy manner. best of luck

 

[cmjl]

Thank you. She is not in therapy. She thinks she can do it on her own.

 

[GrahamCracker]

Cmjl,

It sounds like you are dealing with someone who needs to work more on recognizing their trauma triggers and managing them appropriately. She may always have a bad reaction to certain things you say. Emotional responses are hard to control. While the initial response may not be as easily manageable, she should be able to revisit the situation later and apologize to you or at least be able to understand/explain that her response came from a place of fear or anger.

In my opinion, therapy would be the best thing for her. You are absolutely right in that she needs to do the work to get better and/or make this relationship work. If you do love her, you may want to stick around and see if she does eventually seek help. This will take a lot of patience.

I would NOT recommend pressuring her into any sort of treatment. She needs to come to that on her own. If she goes into therapy and is not magically healed (highly unlikely), she may use that against you. I would encourage you to share how her reactions make you feel, provided you can do so in a calm manner and remain that way if she reacts defensively. Tell her that you recognize her responses are difficult to control. Admit that you don't understand what she is going through. Tell her you love her and don't like to see her suffering.

Beyond that, it's really up to you whether you are in for the ride. I hope your situation improves!

 

[cmjl]

Thank you for the responses. I really want to stick this out, but it only seems to get worse and worse. I am fearing it will continue to go downhill...but I love her very much.

 

[just me here]

I am learning all the time about my condition. I may learn something next week that makes this advice total BS.

I have learned that we are all different, and we are far from categorizing PTSD into smaller chunks like PTSD rape, PTSD combat, PTSD abuse, PTSD mean person that hurt my dog etc. The only thing for sure is that your situation is very unique while still being the same disorder.

Simply stated, my arguments with people I love are almost always about a threat that I see that they do not. You might try to see if maybe she sees a threat that you do not.

I see bad driving as a personal assault. This is a part of MY deal, I have seen countless dead bodies created by cars, few caused by bullets. Cars are like loaded guns to me and bad drivers like enemy combatants that need to be stopped.

When my wife does anything to put her on the side of the bad driver I attack her as a representative of that driver. My anger is so frustrated and suffocating that when given any opportunity to vent it against the antagonist in any way I see it as a positive release of that energy and dive in.

Unfortuneatly, sometimes all it takes is for her to tell me to calm down or stop swearing at traffic. Maybe she would have been better to have said something like "what a totally clueless dratsab, I am sure glad he was going the other way. Isn't it great to be alive after such a close encounter with a moron like that? Lets go celebrate life and buy beer to drink while enjoying a sports broadcast". I wish.

No denying it is my problem. Maybe this helps?

 

[cmjl]

One of the hardest things for me is "does she truly mean the cruel things she says"?

All of your responses are helping me already....it really helps having responses from both PTSD suffers and others.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

She is verbally abusive and refuses to get help.

She isn't going to do much healing without therapy and the abusive behavior will continue. Either accept the abuse or start doing some serious thinking about the future of your relationship. Do you want to live with an abusive person the rest of your life?

I think it's interesting that you are getting advice that differs from the norm. Most threads say "get out. PTSD is no excuse for abuse." Why this thread is different, I don't know? Is it that it's "only" verbal abuse? (I can tell you that I recovered from physical abuse a long time ago. I'm still recovering from the verbal abuse .) Or maybe it's because you're a guy receiving abuse at the hands of a girl? I don't know. I advise you to read other supporter threads. Most say "don't put up with abuse".

 

[DharmaGirl]

I agree with Solara. I was going to say the same thing. PTSD is NO excuse for being abusive. Period.

 

[kahlan]

Wanting to clarify my post a little. Agreed wholeheartedly that there isn't an excuse for abusive behavior. I was giving some advise on how to take back some of his control until he decides for better or worse what the status of the relationship is. She needs therapy for sure to learn how to better control the outbursts and he needs to make it clear that hurting him is not acceptable. (I was at work so might have only given a quick oncr over :$)

Point is if she's unwilling to own up to hurting you and doesnt get help its only going to get worse. The more you allow the abuse to go on the more in reinforces that its ok for her to do it.

 

[Colleennorell]

It is true that no one deserves to be abused. PTSD is not an excuse for abuse. But persons with severe PTSD truly can not always control their behavior. And at times their biggest supporter may even have a bad side and choose to push a button and trigger a response. If your poke a sick tiger and it lashes out, you are part of the cause.