Relationship How Can I Cope With My Boyfriend's Combat Ptsd?

[RB2013]

My boyfriend and best friend is suffering from combat PTSD. Unfortunately, he is still stationed at an Embassy overseas and cannot get help without risking his job. To make things worse, he is being forced out of the Marine Corps in 6 months. We've been dating long distance for over a year. I've known him for 3 years. I've gone out to visit him at his current post twice in the past 6 months. Every time I go, the other Marines comment on how happy he is when I am around but once I leave he changes completely. He barely goes out with any of them any more. I'm not sure if this is because he knows heavy drinking will trigger his moods or if he is just withdrawing/isolating from them as well.

After just coming back from the Marine Corps Ball this week, he lied and said he received a message from someone claiming to have "had me first". I haven't seen this person (who is also a Marine) in over two years and had him contact my boyfriend to confirm that nothing ever happened. I met this friend while on a three week trip to Afghanistan as a civilian contractor.

I'm in contact with my boyfriend's sister, who is also married to a Marine suffering from PTSD. My bf's commanding officer also suffers from PTSD and on my most recent trip gave me his contact info but I hesitate to reach out to him or his wife because I think it would be inappropriate to involve them in our relationship drama. My family keeps telling me this is abusive and that I shouldn't be in the relationship. My mom understands a little bit more as she first confessed that she has PTSD to my boyfriend when they met last year. She has suffered with this after growing up in a conflict zone and used alcohol to cope. I never understood what my mother was struggling with all of these years and it actually has helped me be more patient and understanding with her and him.

When I read through the other posts I see a lot of similar things in my relationship. Getting angry and putting the blame on me, breaking up with me, belittling me, withdrawing and not communicating with me…he ignored me for a month earlier this year right before I was supposed to visit him.

Recently he learned that his mother is moving out of the home and he is also dealing with other things at post that I can't discuss but I know are bringing back emotions from his deployment. I guess I just want/need to get my story out because no one around me understands the complexities of this relationship. The only advice they have is to leave because I deserve better. I love this man and would do anything for him so walking away from him just isn't something I'm comfortable doing. We've planned a life together, discussed getting married and having children one day - and as scary as all of that is - it was a great and easy conversation to have with him. I guess I'm just looking for some relevant encouragement/advice from someone that understands. I don't know what triggers I'm setting off for him and how to avoid them.

Thank you for letting me share.

 

[nursenurse]

Breaking up with you, blaming you, ignoring you, belittling you, withdrawing and not communicating with you - which of these is conducive to a long term relationship or marriage? And children??? Just because he has PTSD does not give him the right to be abusive towards you, and make no mistake, these things are abusive. It's one thing to isolate, to believe that the supporter can do better, but to turn things around and blame the supporter? And call the supporter down?

Keep making a life for yourself, refuse to get reeled in and let out. If and when he is able to obtain help, maybe consider having a cautious relationship with him, since you have history together, but the emotional abuse is already there, and may have been buried in there all along. Many sufferers manage to have decent relationships without belittling their significant others. Don't accept behaviour from him that you would never accept from a non PTSD person. I just see too many red flags, and I understand that this is not a response you may want, but it is an honest one.

The fleeting moments of charm can soon be buried. It is sometimes easier to love from afar, because we can romanticize what we want, not necessarily what the reality is. Good luck.

 

[kahlan]

I may be projecting a little, because of my recent issues, but it gets harder. I knew my N. for quite a while before we dated. Dating started off fast, furious, and intense despite us trying to go slow. After that more and more withdrawal periods and anger directed toward me. I also just found out he stopped going to his mental health visits at the VA.

There's a reason you see more stories here ending like mine and fewer that stand the test of time. Its easy to underestimate just how much it can take to keep going.

 

[nursenurse]

To me it just gets worse when you are already being blamed and belittled. That isn't a part of PTSD, it is a real personality flaw, in my opinion.

 

[RB2013]

We've worked together on identifying what our touchy subjects are. I've told him how certain comments he makes hurt my feelings. We've made progress in communicating and understanding how to work through our feelings towards each other. For the most part it has worked. This last trip went very well. We bumped heads twice and recovered very quickly by apologizing and identifying why we were hurt and forgiving each other for the mean things WE said to each other, myself included.

I don't know if we will make it, but we know where we want the relationship to go. We know we aren't ready to stake those steps yet but we've both worked so hard to open up and be vulnerable and communicate with each other. He is my best friend and I can't imagine not having him a part of my life. I feel so cliche when I say this but I genuinely have never felt this way about someone and I want to fight for this relationship because I know what we have is special. I don't want to just go and find another fish in the sea. He means the world to me. His family means the world to me.

But yes, this last issue is out of left field and is completely irrational and shows just how insecure he is. My gut, and other posts I've read, make me feel like I just need to focus on myself and not reach out to him for now and let him work through the issues he's dealing with at post.

 

[nursenurse]

It's good that he is willing to work on things with you. But yes, you cannot be his therapist, he needs to work through things on his own, but he is lucky to have your support. I hope he realizes this. It's one thing to be married to someone who gets PTSD during the marriage, and it is different to start out a relationship where it is already in play. It is not for the faint of heart, and many a strong supporter has been bested by it. If he gets help, and the put downs and the blame game, paranoia (accusation that you were with someone else) etc can be adequately addressed, then you have a shot. Why can he not get help where he is right now?

I also wonder what else has happened to make your family see him as being abusive?

 

[Chel]

Most emotional abuse come from feelings of inadequacy and insignificance. He must learn to first like himself, and then love himself. I know this sounds gushy and most guys aren't that touchy feely. However, most of the time the reason someone acts the way he acts towards you is because he feels so bad about himself. Only when we can have self compassion and love for self can we have compassion and love for others. Only when we understand ourselves can we understand others. Try to talk with him about this and see if he opens up about feeling of inadequacy. It's terribly common. And very destructive. To everyone. Especially to children. Make sure he forgives himself, or forgives others who he feels have hurt him. Letting go is everything. What he has to be decide is how much he wants to hold onto things that limit him.

I've been married to the same man for almost 30 years who has dealt with deep inner wounding. In our earlier years it was constant emotional abuse. Everyone in my family wanted me to leave many times. I did too. But I stayed. It's not for everyone, for sure. Both parties must be willing to be completely open, honest and aware with how they feel. These experiences have not only made me who I am today with my knowledge about truth, and what is good and right and healthy in a relationship, but I have helped him to open into a new person (he has done the work, though) and see things as they are, not worse than they are. And to like himself, a lot more. And to stop needing to criticize others. That is only a defense mechanism. When we are not happy with ourselves, we criticize others. Hope this helps.

 

[Miss walt]

I have read through similar posts and there are many people giving feed back or replies are often quick to say that the partner of the PTSD sufferer is being abused. Ignorance, withdrawal, negativity, out bursts, disappearing acts and rudeness are sadly all common traits of PTSD. Extreme emotions are often the only feelings felt by PTSD suffers and pure frustration and anger as to why they feel like that.

A recent UK, health check scheme for homeless people in the UK showed that over 40% of them were veterans. What does this tell us?

I think if you feel genuinely like you are being abused by such behaviour you would leave, and well within your rights, but if you are knowledgeable on PTSD I guess you might not get so hurt as you see reason and NOT justification in behaviours.

@RB2013 I do feel for you, I am in a funny position right now as I have taken a step back from "my boyfriend" . His PTSD was never dealt with and he was in denial. He has had two nervous breakdowns and finally he has gone for help now. Sometimes you are so shut out of your significant others life one day and the next it's all smiles and cuddles. On going therapy and follow ups and support are needed from those around and health professionals. My significant other is reluctant to tell friends of his about PTSD and how acutely he is effected and I think he should share it and it become less of a taboo.

I have not walked away but stepped away from him now and I see a difference, the poster above says your other half must learn to love himself and have a relationship with himself before he can with others. I have learned this too and have suggested this to my "other half".