How Did You Tell Your Partner About Your Ptsd/ Abuse?

[Maggiemay]

Sorry, I'm having a bit of a posting frenzy after not being on in a while - joystl of symptoms leaving me bed bound...

Although I've only been with my partner a couple of months, we've been close friends much longer and he stuck by me when I was at my illest last year.

I am experiencing a lot of difficulties with him around touch and fears of intimacy, which I am working on in therapy.

But... Therapist says I need to let him in and disclose my abuse (particularly childhood sexual abuse) and PTSD, as well as the extent of my scarring due to past self harm (my body is covered! ). She's offered me inviting him to a couple of my sessions, or suggested I wrote to him. But I can't even contemplate doing it.

I'm petrified he's going to walk out my life .. urgh!

How did you tell your partner? How did they react?

 

[MsTerri]

Hello Maggiemay,

So glad you are asking about this topic. I would always say to anyone at this juncture, do you trust your therapist and your boy friend? That is essential for me and only you can find your own gut feeling...

Every partner I have told about my sexual abuse has been nothing less than understanding and supportive. However, it took me over 35 years to get to that point, to tell anyone. Having said that, I repeat, I must of course be careful and use discernment when disclosing to anyone.

Some therapists have been harmful upon intake session or a few visits in. I drop them at once. Actually, thinking about this as I type, the % of jerkiness has been much higher in the population of therapists. (I was lucky that the first 10 yrs I had really good therapists) I have good therapists now.

Sounds like your therapist is perhaps offering you a safe place with support, an arena where you can have back-up, but that doesn't mean you are ready. Doing any of this always is difficult, but for me, coming out to friends/partners has always been very helpful, once I get it out. It also got easier and easier and then I have found it's an essential piece of information that must be shared FOR ME--and I repeat FOR ME to have a safe relationship with anyone.

I have found the need to inform doctors, ER, EMT and nurses, depending on the situation. I have not had any bad experiences OUTSIDE of my family and shrinks or therapists but again I emphasize I am very careful about who I tell.

In closing I will add one more thing. Getting to my own gut feelings has been hard sometimes. Trauma can block me from my B.S. meter, which works well now but for a while was broken. It's important to go through that checklist in the book "Safe People" or review Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear." Both books helped me find my intuition again via some real life information and gauges to help me identify who is safe and who isn't. There are probably some very good websites that have that info as well. I am just emphasizing safety first.

I am betting, in you situation as you have described it, since you are good friends as well as a couple that he will respond well. I might think of questions or subjects to discuss or mention first to sorta feel the situation out...his attitude toward violence against women, people who have been sexually assaulted... kinda checking his level of empathy and understanding.

Well I hope this helps and sincerely wish you the best as you decide what is best for you to do. I hope I haven't said anything out of line or tried to tell you what to do. I hope things work out well for you as you work through your own path to recovery.

MsTerri

 

[Maggiemay]

Thankyou so much :) That was very helpful ;)

The only people I've ever told are health professionals (when asked out right), and family (when I was in A&E, very drunk and having self harmed so I was totally out of it - and provoked! )

I trust him - he was there for me last year whilst I was going through flashback hell, and was never anything but supportive. But this feels different. I want to tell him, but it's too hard...

 

[Lionheart]

This is a tough one...

I think the decision to disclose is more important than how ya go about it, but this is just my opinion...

One partner that I told had a positive reaction to disclosure, reminding me that it was not my fault and that it was nothing to be ashamed of. That particular partner was very supportive and even offered to go to therapy sessions with me. :)

I disclosed the abuse trauma / PTSD to a different partner in an effort to garner some support and she walked out on me saying that it was my problem to deal with and not hers. Consequently the relationship ended. :cry:

Today I am determined to be loved for me; flaws, scars, and all ....I'm not too concerned as the majority of my experiences with disclosure have been positive and I do not regret having told. Still, in the future, I will find out earlier on in the relationship how they feel about it, so that I do not waste my time with an unsupportive partner. :tup:

Please be aware that these are just my experiences with disclosure and I cannot predict how your partner might react. I sincerely hope that all goes well for you!!!

 

[Maggiemay]

:) Thankyou.

I'm told he'll be supportive, but it means nothing. I'm still very ashamed and hold a lot of guilt - it was my fault (although I don't believe this as much as I used to...) I know I need to tell him, and it'll be good to have some joint sessions - he'll understand me more, why I'm hot & cold; why I have an intense fear of touch; why I twitch, why I push him away: shout no at him; curl up in a ball... the list goes on... proper psycho behaviour...

 

[maddog]

The other thing to remember about sharing your past is it doesn't have to be a case of all or nothing. You don't need to share everything, or much at all at first if you don't feel ready, it's more about starting the process of sharing and disclosure and moving through that at a pace that is safe and comfortable for both of you. Sometimes sharing everything all at once might really not be a good idea - the last thing you want to do is to overwhelm either or both of you and the prospect of having to share everything might be enough to deter you from sharing at all.

This is something your therapist should be able to help you with - to titrate the pace and intensity of what you share and how you share it. Provided your relationship is solid, which I believe you've said it is, she may well be an excellent resource and ally for you in this process, and for your partner too who will also likely need to feel supported as he goes through this process of learning and understanding.

There aren't many people in my life, and certainly nobody even remotely like a partner, but even in my more peripheral relationships, different people know different levels and types of information about my history, depending on our relationship, their attitude and a whole lot of other contextual and instinctual factors. I say instinctual because that's always the bottom line for me. If it doesn't feel safe to share, then don't. If it does, then proceed, cautiously, and pay attention to your safety/comfort meter. Sounds a little overanalytical, but sharing about your past is a big deal, and the first and golden rule is that you have to feel safe and comfortable... as much as that's possible in what is always a challenging process.

I really wish you the best with it - let us know how it goes, and do let your therapist help you out here with both practical and moral support in the process - it's one time when having someone in your corner might give you courage you might struggle to find on your own.

Maddog

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks :)

I like the idea of titrating... I don't have to tell him everything...

 

[Snowblower]

Well the worst of the trauma came out to my fiancé in a nightmare, she woke me up, and knew it was not just some dream, she knew that I was diagnosed but I was, well...afraid of being honest on that issue. She woke me from my nightmare when I started screaming for help and to stop. We then went out the leaving room and spent the next couple hours talking about all of it. I was in a really bad place for a a month or so after discussing it. It really was very relieving having the worst out in the open even if I went to a bad place.

I think she was scared at first, but after some time just satisfied to know that part I always avoided. Since then the PTSD discussion has been much simpler to talk about

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks for sharing :)

I'm glad you had a positive. He knows I've got mental health problems and calls me a 'fragile little lamb' but doesn't know why...

 

[Luke]

I like the idea of titrating... I don't have to tell him everything...

Oh, this is so true! This is where I have failed. I'm am so reticent & closed-off & basically divulge nothing... then wham! Suddenly I'm telling people detailed & vivid accounts of occurrences in my life. I tell myself it's OK, because I do it in a literary fashion, as if this degree of separation in my autobiographical recaps somehow negates that i may or may not be over sharing in a deluge of furtive revelations.

I am experiencing a lot of difficulties with him around touch and fears of intimacy, which I am working on in therapy.

But... Therapist says I need to let him in and disclose my abuse (particularly childhood sexual abuse) and PTSD, as well as the extent of my scarring due to past self harm (my body is covered! ). She's offered me inviting him to a couple of my sessions, or suggested I wrote to him. But I can't even contemplate doing it.

I am terrified of this as well. Terrified.

LET ME BE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR... My burgeoning relationship is not "solid", & it's not like we're boyfriend/girlfriend AT ALL. I merely felt the impulse to respond here because of what you said abuse your childhood abuse & how it affects your intimacy. If it seems or is absurd, irrelevant, or improper for me to interject my own frivolity here I apologize. I've only ever divulged elements of my past to one girlfriend. Sadly, she was & has been my ONLY girlfriend because of how things played out. I have had lady friends & intimate liaisons (if you will) but I have avoided ever committing to a "girlfriend" & that has clearly precluded my ever revealing my past (to an intimate partner) ever since. That was an extremely complicated situation, & trust me it is so complex you don't want me to expound on it here. However, I should say It had very negative & lasting repercussive effects & ramifications on & with my abilities to share both physical & emotional intimacies concurrently. I was young. Twenty years old.

Lately, I've been sorta seeing someone. As always, I've kept it inanely nebulous. I feel very awkward about the whole thing (our relationship intentions & or "status"). I also realize if it's awkward for me, it must be hell on her. I feel like I suck everyone into an amorphous yet titillating vortex of amiable bewilderment. Oh... I'm so clever! (I mean that facetiously.)

There has been a growing abundance of lascivious if not salacious texts & talk. She is far more reserved or timorous when we are face to face. She is nervous. She doesn't touch me a lot, so that is a problem for me. I sorta need everything thrust in or sat on my oblivious face. The last two women I had any physical intimacy with were very forward in this regard. They let their hands do the talking. This was obviously a fairly incontrovertible indicator as to there intent. The irony is I've just come out of a span where I didn't want to be touched at all. I've been told I basically exude, "Don't touch me without asking", &/or "I'm not interested" tho. So, I have to wonder I'm still subconsciously emanating this boundary. However, she is clearly looking for some validation. Verbal & physical. "What are the motifs? The underlying themes of these expressions?", you may ask. Basically, she is asking if I'm physically attracted to her &/or if I would, or frankly will, have sex with her. She also told me the last time we were together she felt "ignored". Sigh.

I'm terrified that I may have some reaction during or following such extensive periods of physical engagement. It's been a long time. The last time, afterwards, I did have a reaction... & I couldn't explain it. This person, who was extremely sweet, kept kissing & asking me about my scars (some inflicted & some self-inflicted)... & it just shut me down. Eventually I flinched away from her violently when she was barraging me with affectations & compliments... & as she touched my thigh. She was so perplexed, if not hurt by this... & I could not or did not explain. It was a bad scene. I felt like dirt.

Then I ask myself if I really even am physically attracted to this person. I do like her. She makes me laugh. I enjoy being with to her & am happy to receive her interest & consistent contact. I don't think I'd want to lose that. However, I'm just so "shut down" & I am fraught with fear over the notion that if I did have some fleeting but negative reaction (such as flinching, or God forbid something didn't rise to the occasion because I'm so lost in my own head & apprehensions, or I shut down & retract & become laconic & distant), I might have to, or should, &/or I fear I might not be able to explain why. Then I'd be consumed with guilt because it's likely she may find it offensive. She would probably think it has something to do her, or her body, or her weight (she has a few pounds, but wudda I care), etc.

Recently, I found myself rambling in an email to a friend of mine. She is the only person in my life who really has a considerable idea as to the vast extent of my childhood abuse. She is... she is like an ex-stepsister to me or something. I vaguely mentioned my new "friend" & my issues. I admitted & recognized my proclivities & how difficult it must be for someone to want & try to break through to me. I stopped short of asking for advice, because that seemed improper if not insensitive considering our past platonic but occasionally "close" relationship. On the other hand, who the h*ll else am I gonna ask? Everyone else thinks I'm a stud, including my new "friend", which is an hilariously ironic misconception!

It's not like this woman is giving me an ultimatum, but as I said, she's clearly looking for some clear indication &/or validation from me. I can't/don't blame her. She deserves some clarification. It just feels like a huge leap. She keeps (affably & whimsically, yet consistently) telling me I need sex. Then, she has implied I should want, no "need" a girlfriend. I feel as if I either need to make a (physical) move or just indicate or intimate to my new "friend" that she & I are just that... platonic friends.

Considering all this, it seems easier to just walk away. A least just far enough.

I'm glad you have a therapist to help guide &/or decipher. I wish I did.

What's my point or conclusion in all or any of this? I guess... I hope you don't walk away. Whatever happens, it's worth a shot. It's gotta be. It's gotta be worth a shot... right!? I sincerely hope your revelations, however titrated or deliberate, improve & strengthen your relationship.

 

[Maggiemay]

*huggles *

It sounds very complicated :(

I am very lucky with my therapist :)

This is the 1st ever relationship I've been in & still early stages. I hope it'll be worth it, it's easier just to walk away..

 

[Raj]

We just both shared our horrible childhood histories almost right off that bat. I went first and Her shortly after and I am not assertive when it comes to my in depth "detailed" story.It was crazy we just instantly knew we could trust each other! We are never that honest with anyone. It was a shock to trust Her as she is the kind of person that would normally freak me out, it seems like we are in many wavy a mirror sharing the best and worst of each others character and we really do support each other. To have someone that calls your bluff in an assertive loving way is a true blessing!

She did say she was so stunned that she shared with me out of shock at my seeing my hurt and respecting so much blunt honesty!