How Did You Tell Your Partner About Your Ptsd/ Abuse?

[Maggiemay]

*hugs *

I thought I replied but it's been lost in cyberspace :s

Well done for showing such strength & courage - it wouldn't have been easy. I truly admire you a lot :)

 

[Maggiemay]

I failed :'(

Today was supposed to be the day, but as with everything in my life, I failed...

I tried, but obviously not enough...

Had a lovely day with him at a local animal park, then he cooked me dinner. It was so nice to have company. Especially as I've been struggling a lot over the last couple of days as been on my own so no one to validate my existence. I have had lots of episodes of depersonalisation where I don't feel quite human. Hard to explain I loose all sense of self and existence and literally go physically numb.

Anyway, I started by saying how much better my nights have been (he encouraged me to take meds earlier a while ago). I then asked if I'd told him I'd started emdr, which I hadn't so told him a little about it. I was going to be specific but it was too hard I just said it was for 'traumas' and 'horrible stuff from the past'. :( I would have come back to it, but he then started singing at the telly before falling asleep :( Grrrrrrr!

So cross with myself! This is after I tried multiple times earlier in the day and failed as my elective mute tendencies won. :(

I'm not happy, neither will T be and I don't want to waste another hour of therapy being told I need to tell him and he needs to join my sessions. :(

At least I've opened the door, maybe I can build on the conversation next time I speak to him and let him know, but I doubt it. ..

 

[maddog]

Oh no, you didn't fail, not at all, you just took a smaller step forward than you'd intended, and that's totally ok. Making a couple, or as many as necessary, attempts to test the waters is really very normal and does no harm to the overall value of telling him. I know it's hard when you intend to share and then don't go through with it, I've done this in therapy many times and know the frustration and let down and sense of failure all too well.

But they really aren't warranted. No harm has been done. There will be many more opportunities, and every little piece of disclosure, such as the fact that you're doing EMDR, is another piece of information into the overall puzzle for him at this point.

It just wasn't the right time, and that's ok. Try to give yourself a break and just "be" with this situation for now. You will know when the time is right, and if that isn't now, or for a while to come, then that's ok.

What's important is that you have quality time together and work on feeling safer and more secure in the relationship, because that's what will build you up to share what and when you need to.

Take it easy on yourself ok!

Maddog

 

[Maggiemay]

Thankyou so much Maddog, I appreciate it millions! :)

It's so hard not to beat myself up - that's my default... urgh! My therapist put so much emphasis on me disclosing I can't help but feel like I failed and am inadequate... Hate it.

 

[Marie10]

I've been there and will be again in the future. You deserve all the happiness in the world, your adequate and your human too.

I've found not only with PTSD but through a few friends who I've confided in (small bits of information) that even they have problems with the past and discussing it in a new relationship. If anything this refreshed me.

Be good to yourself, in time you will know what to do.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks.

Therapy session again today was an hour spent with her telling me he needs to know *sigh*

 

[Luke]

Anyway, I started by saying how much better my nights have been (he encouraged me to take meds earlier a while ago). I then asked if I'd told him I'd started emdr, which I hadn't so told him a little about it.

Are you kidding? This is huge! A big step in my book. Seriously, you are being overly critical of yourself (in my opinion). This establishes a precedent, a focal point, a door-opener if you will. A theme or motif from which you can venture & return, at your own comfortable pace & in your own words & means of expression. It sounds to me like you've divulged a good deal already. You are less reticent & more brave than I, that's for sure.

I don't want to be in any way intrusive but... is your therapist giving you methodology? In other words, is she giving you advice & scenarios in & by which you can comfortably divulge such information to your boyfriend? Maybe (if you aren't already) you could "practice" with her? Just a thought.

It sounds to me like you are making considerable progress.

 

[Maggiemay]

Ahh thanks Luke, I really appreciate it :)

I guess it's a start at least...

Therapist wanted me to write him a letter/email but I feel it's not appropriate so I won't.


X

 

[Maggiemay]

So I finally plucked up the courage today after half a bottle of wine to ask partner to come with me to a session. It took a lot for me to ask & he was so dismissive and critical.. sigh...

 

[Luke]

I'm very sorry to hear that. I don't want to be or seem intrusive in any way but... of what aspect(s) was he dismissive & critical? The idea of accompanying you to a session? It may have caught him off-guard. Sometimes when people don't ascertain the extent of a problem or the significance of a request, they can be dismissive. Sort of a knee-jerk reaction of sorts. An impetuous "C'mon, cheer up, it's not so bad" kind of reaction.

It must be tough (on you). :( I'm sure you've had thoughts similar to, "How do I explain the depths & gravity of my situation (PTSD, etc.), without making it seem like an anchor or an albatross?". It can be a bit of a paradox.

Again, I don't mean to pry.

I, for one, am really pulling for you in all of this. I'm sure many others in this community share this sentiment. No matter what happens, this is all somewhat inspiring to me, & I wish you the best.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks Luke ;)

I think he's worried it'll turn into being about him. He said he thought he understood me & doesn't need to know why I'm like this. He then turned it into a joke saying he wanted to go to call her a quack. I think he's worried as he thinks she'll find fault in him which isn't what it's about. I've given him space to think about it and said I don't mind either way, it's his decision...

 

[Luke]

To be honest with you; he way be a bit apprehensive or slightly alarmed. Your therapist suggesting he accompany you to a session is a bold move. At least, these are my pedestrian thoughts.

I would be apprehensive & alarmed. It may seem/feel/appear to have remote possibility of being some kind of test/ amiable trial / inquisition to him. He doesn't know this person. He has no (distinct) idea what your therapist may say to, or ask of, him. It might have the slightest air of meeting (your possibly skeptical &/or protective) guardian or whatnot.

You may have done this already... But maybe you need to set some parameters (with your therapist) to all this, (& pass them on to him) to give him an idea of what he's in for.

I mean, try to empathize... You walk into a room with someone you know intimately, & then a complete stranger (who's also a professional & whom you know is familiar with you via subjective accounts) to be exposed to... Something you don't know about your intimate partner. It could be a little ominous.

It's important to capitalize on the idea that it is you & he visiting your therapist, rather than him visiting you & your therapist, so that he doesn't sorta feel like the odd man out in this scenerio. Also, avoid the notion/precedent that it's "couples counseling" of any sort as he may become defensive in a, "Have I done something wrong?" reaction.

Hopefully that makes some semblance of sense. Just my flailing thoughts. Not sure how germane or helpful they may be.