How do I get myself back under control?

[susannahsays]

@Sideways Thanks for the suggestions, sideways. My apartment could definitely use some work, and exercise is always good. Luckily for my therapist, she doesn't have a commercial IT system. That would definitely be a nightmare and would probably take a week or more - I was in charge of IT at a community mental health clinic with 100+ computers, so I know of what I speak! However, your comment about the IT system did remind me that they will certainly have to do the phone system, which can sometimes be complicated, too.

Anyway, I'm not mad anymore. I admit that the catalyst was that I made a mean face at the therapist when she greeted me in the waiting room when I went to see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I pretty much instantly felt terrible, but not in time to address the situation with her. I reaped my just rewards the rest of this week with a series of horrible experiences. Early Thursday morning I sent her a text apologizing, not to manipulate her into providing reassurance, but just so she knew I was feeling some pretty severe remorse for being such an asshole to her. She replied that night thanking me and saying we would talk about why I was angry at my session, which was today. By that time, so much other crap had happened, I was way more depressed than anything else and didn't really feel like talking about it. But, I figured I owed her an explanation for my supremely childish behavior, so I told her. I felt like an even bigger asshole than before when she took out her schedule and found me a spot for my session.

So yeah. I throw the equivalent of a tantrum and instead of being punished, somehow end up with exactly what I wanted. For some reason this really seems to trigger a lot of self-loathing.

 

[blackemerald1]

I know so little about different parts here @susannahsays but are your parts so angry with each other that there is a war going on about who is in charge?

Did the therapist insult or threaten the existence of one? Is that where the anger comes from?

 

[joeylittle]

She has asked her on multiple occasions whether she (C) wants her (the therapist) to stop talking to me. So I don't really think it's much of a leap to say she puts C before me, and therefore, first.

Who scheduled the first appointment and/or signed the forms? You, or C?

 

[Friday]

Mindreading is not required to anticipate my reaction when I have literally stated I am angry over my anger. I don't understand how this is difficult to grasp, or why anyone would think that would be helpful to me.

That’s because you’re inside your own mind, know your own processes, know how you think/feel/react to things.

None of us do.

That’s why it’s called Mindreading. Because we’d have to read your mind to know how you’d react.

What helps one person tons, is useless to another, and infuriates a third. The exact same thing provokes many different reactions. Even in the same person. Reading it one day it’s infuriating, and another day it’s a lightbulb moment & super helpful. The exact same piece of writing.

From the Community Constitution

MyPTSD's personality ranges widely within a candid, empathetic, challenging, yet supportive membership. Diversity is the spice of life, and this community respects diverse opinions. A community philosophy often read here is "use what helps you, and ignore the rest."

 

[Abstract]

Quote: " How do I get myself back under control?"
I tend to find a DBT type approach can be helpful when emotions run high. Acknowledge your emotions and thoughts no matter what they are. Not at your T in this example. To yourself or somewhere like here. Validate that they are there for a reason even if that reason isn't reasonable. And then take yourself in hand so to speak. Be a good parent to yourself and put some boundaries up for you. Delve down to see what is really happening.

Your t has done zero wrong and a few extra days wait for therapy is extremely reasonable. So thats when you want to delve down to the real issues here. Which are your underlying feelings and where they originate from. Thats where you will start dealing with this. It sounds like this may be part jealousy (C but I wonder what goes before that) and abandonment (where you need to learn new ways of providing reassurance and consistency for yourself) etc. Something for you to investigate.

 

[susannahsays]

That’s because you’re inside your own mind, know your own processes, know how you think/feel/react to things.

None of us do.

That’s it’s called Mindreading. Because we’d have to read your mind to know how you’d react.

What helps one person tons, is useless to another, and infuriates a third. The exact same thing provokes many different reactions. Even in the same person. Reading it one day it’s infuriating, and another day it’s a lightbulb moment & super helpful. The exact same piece of writing.

From the Community Constitution

I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this. I believe my reaction was predictable, and you and Ronin don't. That's fine with me. I'm kind of confused about why it's so important to convince me otherwise. I would also like to note that I wouldn't have been nearly as upset about it if Ronin hadn't also repeatedly mischaracterized what I'd said. This is why I replied to him and not to you, even though you replied to me first and in a similar way to him by pointing out that my anger was about my own bs, not about my therapist. I didn't perceive you to be rushing to judgement. While I didn't find your comment particularly helpful, I didn't feel defensive about it. I hope you will consider rereading the thread and trying to see the interaction from my perspective as someone who came here feeling bad about being angry and asking how I could manage my anger in a healthy way - only to have an interaction with a self righteous person who leveled additional charges that weren't even based on what I said, had no humility when he was wrong, but instead doubled down on the judgement and accusations. Saying "leave the rest" is easier said than done. I admit I have a hard time letting go of illogical rhetoric.

I don't have a problem with being challenged when it adds to the conversation or offers me some insight. I don't really even care if I'm challenged without those elements as long as I feel there aren't motives that have nothing to do with me, but have to do with the challenger's own issues. At that point, I don't really appreciate it, especially when it is offered in the guise of support.

 

[susannahsays]

Who scheduled the first appointment and/or signed the forms? You, or C?

Why are you asking this? The claim was that she puts C first. You said I was drawing conclusions based off of distorted thinking. I provided information that this particular conclusion is not an error.

 

[Reply]

Have you spoken with your T about these feelings of abandonment related to the rescheduling? It sounds like part of you does not believe your anger is reasonable and the other part does and/or can't stop feeling the way it does. We can't not feel but we can control how we react to what we feel, although feelings can be quite overwhelming at times. It sounds like you don't want to feel upset about sudden changes in plans though. Am I hearing you correctly? If so then I think you can change that, but you'll probably need to get down to what is triggering these strong emotions. Sudden changes can be very distressing and I understand that. Sometimes things happen though.

 

[Sideways]

@susannahsays : sooooo, having weighed up all of the suggestions you’ve been given, you’ve decided to just ‘stay angry’!?!

Is that working for you do you think?

 

[joeylittle]

Why are you asking this?

Because you said she asks C if she should stop talking to you. If C is the primary client, then yes - she's putting C first, because that's who hired her. She's justified in putting C first, and your anger is reactive and unwarranted.

You're very close to getting banned for trolling.

If you're actually interested in getting peer support - which does involve being challenged from time to time - then you're getting it in this thread. People are giving you ways to change your thinking in order to help you find some relief from the anger - get yourself back under control, as your title says.

If you want to vent, as a way to blow off steam, the diaries are the best place for that. Here on the boards, you're going to get interaction.

If you're only trying to provoke reactions, find people to fight with - then you can leave or I'll help you to the door. Your choice.