How do i not worry people with my depression?

[Justmehere]

I am depressed. I know it. My therapist knows. We contract for safety every week. I tell myself I just have to get through this week. Sure enough, I make it every week.

I just have to endure... but people are getting worried and I don’t know what to do with that.

Things are at a point that people (friends colleagues) are beginning to ask if I’m ok. I keep telling them alright.

I am making an extra effort to dress extra well, do my hair nice, and yet I saw my reflection in a mirror today and I look like sh*t. I look very sad and very tired.

Im doing everything I know to manage depression. Lots of excercise, eating well, not isolating, getting proper sleep, I’m engaged in a new hobby that is relaxing, my therapist says I know more coping skills than any client she’s ever had. (This was meant to be reassuring.)

I’ve tried getting between session crisis help when things got really dark yesterday, and that massively didn’t help...

I could go on meds, but the last time I did that I nearly died from seratonin syndrome. I don’t have a doctor I trust with it. I knew something was wrong with the meds before, I was actually in a specialized program and sweating through my clothes and bedsheets every night. People asked if I had just gotten into the shower with all my clothes on, because the night sweats were that bad. Night sweats alone are not a sign, but I knew something was off, and I kept asking for a med change, and I had full freedom to refuse it, but I didn’t stop until I was released and was in the ER with a near fatal case of serotonin syndrome. I guess I don’t trust that I’ll trust me with meds either.

I know I could tell my friends I’m depressed but the last time I told friends that it wasn’t good. I don’t have friends right now offline that I feel like I could easily trust with that and that would respond in a helpful way. Maybe they would and I just need to risk it.

Right now though, friends area good distraction and a good connection if not in a deep level... but they keep noticing I’m down.

I’m edgy, irritable, and just depressed. Today, I have eaten well, spent most of my day with friends, I will be with other friends tonight, which helps... but I’m sitting here realizing how much my hands shake, how my voice sounds so down, and that maybe I’m doing worse than I realize, and I don’t know what to do to be better or at least worry people less.

Ideas?

 

[ladee]

First let me say that you are so inspiring to read. When I was that depressed I managed to put a face on to go to work but never could I do what you are doing.

I am sorry you had such a horrible reaction to meds. And understand your fear of trying again. But do hope you can mnd a Dr who can help you find something that helps.

As far as what to say to others expressing concern...you can keep saying what you've been saying.

And adding you are looking into it. We can' make people.not worry. They feel powerless to not be able to help.

You are amazing to be able.to maintain self.care. But you need extra help that can be.monitored every day.
Gentle hugs sent your way.

 

[MrMoonlight]

It's tough but wow, you and your fortitude are inspiring.

I didn't have any success with antidepressants until I found a doctor who is known for his expertise (even within the field) in their use. I'm speaking of my Psychiatrist. I didn't just get lucky I researched until my fingers bleed and waited a good while to see him. For me a lifesaver.

Only you know but having read all that you are doing to combat depression without the results you are looking for could it be time to reconsider the Rx option???

sure wishing you peace and wellness.

 

[Justmehere]

My self care is much motivated by a desire to hide the depression. My laundry care? lol. Totally awful. (I have no clean socks and I’m seriously considering just buying more socks instead of trying to find the energy to do laundry.) I seriously cried doing dishes this morning. Why? I have no idea. I’m *that* sad.

It’s a long wait and a few hundred dollars that I don’t have to get into a decent psych where I live. I’ve tried getting one, any psych doc, with insurance for over a year. No luck.

I fired a long term primary care doc two months ago. She was calling me many times a week wanting to chat. Like small talk chat. It was weird... I asked her to stop making these calls and she was like even more weird...

My new primary care doc I saw 3 weeks ago offered meds, but then he got fired two weeks ago because he did something criminal apparently... I see a new primary care doctor this Friday.

(We have a severe doc shortage in my state.)

I just called my corner pharmacy. I asked if any antidepressants were prescribed for me. There is a script for Wellbutrin on file at the pharmacy. I have never taken it before. I don’t even know who wrote it. The pharmacist knows me, and saw me there just yesterday to get allergy meds. He said, “I’m glad to fill it, I’m a little worried about you.” As soon as he said that I started to cry. Omg. So I couldn’t ask who ordered it.

I just said yes because I don’t know...

I don’t trust having 30 days of the med. I asked the pharmacist if I could pick up 5 days at a time. He said no problem. I can get it tonight.

I don’t know if I could take it. I don’t know what to do.

 

[joeylittle]

I don’t know if I could take it. I don’t know what to do.

I'd say, give it a shot. It's the same drug one uses for smoking cessation - that's what it was initially developed for, and they discovered that it had a side effect of working as an antidepressant. It's got an action that is unique, and helps a number of people. The most common side effect is jittery-ness and increased anxiety. Those things will either hit you, or they won't; but discontinuing is very easy, and you don't need much of a dose at first to know if it's helping. If there was one drug I'd say, "yeah, you can try this one without a dr supervision so long as you are talking to a pharmacist and are diligent about recording your reactions" - it'd be wellbutrin.

but people are getting worried and I don’t know what to do with that.

I know I could tell my friends I’m depressed but the last time I told friends that it wasn’t good. I don’t have friends right now offline that I feel like I could easily trust with that and that would respond in a helpful way. Maybe they would and I just need to risk it.

You might consider telling people that you've been diagnosed with depression, and are getting help for it, have good management strategies, but it's going to have to run its course. There are a few advantages to this - the main one being, the people who are concerned and don't know anything else about your past medical history will be quite relieved to know that you're aware of it and are getting help. This is one situation where the more detached and rationally you can speak about the issue, the more relieved people get. And that's not always a good experience for you (the depressed person) - it can set off waves of feeling like extra shit because people don't grasp the intensity of what it's truly like. But, it takes the pressure off, in terms of worried faces.

It's one thing to tell people you are depressed. That becomes a pretty out of control and unhelpful conversation, pretty fast.

Telling them you are diagnosed with depression - in my experience - creates a kind of barrier that makes it clear that you have a doctor, that you are aware of the problem, and that it's a medical condition, not a state of mind. It's just, you need to always cap it off with "I have good support, management skills, and a solid treatment team" and "thank you for asking"...even when those things aren't as true as you'd like them to be. It's the only way to control the dialogue (IMO).

I'm very sorry to hear you are struggling. It's no joke, this stuff. I remember the seratonin syndrome incident. Are you keeping yourself on the waiting lists for a better psychiatrist? I know it can be daunting when you're told they can't see anyone new for two years - on the other hand, sometimes things open up, and sometimes you forget you made the call but a few years later there's an opening and you are still looking.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Great advice so far, and I think you are doing pretty much a good job of fighting the demons. I’ll take a different approach. Vitamins!!! Are you taking Vitam D3? How about Magnesium? Both help fighting depression, so it might be worth a shot.

 

[barefoot]

I like @joeylittle suggestions and agree that, acknowledging a diagnosis and outlining that we have support/strategies/management skills in place and that it’s going to have to run for a bit before it really improves can be helpful for people to hear.

All the time people are seeing that you don’t look/seem great and you are telling them you’re fine, it can add to their worry as they can see something is wrong but then worry that you can’t seem to see it yourself.

When people care about you, they’re going to worry anyway and they’re going to really want you to feel better. I don’t think anything changes that completely, but you acknowledging what’s going on and assuring them that you’re on it may reassure them.

Also echoing @She Cat vitamin suggestion. Every year for the past few years I have experienced a significant depressive dip around this time of year. My therapist has been banging on about vitamin D3 for ages and I just rolled my eyes every time not seeing how on earth that would help. For some reason, this year I did buy some and I’ve been taking it for a couple of months. So far so good. No idea whether that’s actually down to the D3 or not and, if it is, I don’t know whether it’s effective when you’re in a depression or just as a preventative measure. But I’m going to keep on taking it til the spring and will take it again next year.

Sorry that you’re struggling with this at the moment and loving your determination and tenacity.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@barefoot 60% of the population above the Macon Georgia line lacks proper levels of Vit D3. The Vit D council has recently decided that good levels are around 50 with blood test, most drs haven’t caught up with that and still say levels of 30 are ok. I take 4000 it of Vit D3 year round as we use more Vit d than we can produce in a day. My dr recommends NOT stopping it in the summer unless you spend a huge amount of time outside in the sun daily. She test my levels 2 times a yr, and when my level gets up into the 70’s I back down for awhile. Over 100 you become toxic.

One of the issue these days, is the use of sunscreen, which doesn’t allow the skin to absorb Vit D.

 

[EveHarrington]

Great advice so far, and I think you are doing pretty much a good job of fighting the demons. I’ll tak...

Agreed!

I just started supplementing with magnesium and D3 a few weeks ago and I’m already feeling the benefits.....well, physically at least. I’m on an emotional roller coaster right now with stuff I’m dealing with so hard to say if I’m having any mental benefits (but I think I am?)

 

[Justmehere]

@joeylittle - it is encouraging to get the feedback that Wellbutrin is one of the less risky meds to try. I picked it up today. My pharmacist is pretty awesome. He pointed out that the med that I was taking before was Luvox (Fluvoxamine), the only first generation SSRI still in widespread use and the risk is lower with Wellbutrin. I also scheduled to see my new primary care doc on Friday to follow up.

I am on every waiting list I could find...

I’m taking B6, B12, L-theanine, and D3. I take magnesium from time to time, but I’m very mindful of how it affects absorption of other meds/vitamins and avoiding dependency. Waiting the two hours to take it apart from other stuff means I usually forget. Argh. :/

I spoke to my therapist. Processing trauma is her forte. This? She said she doesn’t know how to help. Things that should be working are not. That was hard to hear. Really hard. She thinks it will shift but it’s the first time she seemed really out of her element and lost. It could all be my projection though.

She said to tell a friend about feeling down, same as you all here. I am holding everyone at a distance... it does make so much sense to say I’m feeling down, I have help, working with a therapist...

I am pushing people way instead, in a snarky way...

It needs to change. I need to change.

I called in sick to everything today. I did get out the door and get some errands done, but it feels like I’ve been hit by a truck. My whole body hurts.

You all have been really helpful to read. Thank you deeply for all the support and input.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere Do you suffer from SAD? If so, how about a happy light? If not, then do you have any idea what triggered the depression? Usually, I know what started the slide, I just don’t care enough to stop it, and then I’m buried deep into it and it takes monumental effort to drag myself out of it...

 

[Justmehere]

That is a good thought that this could be SAD, and I have a full spectrum light. This isn’t likely to be SAD, or at least not SAD alone. It’s probably a mix of trauma work gone too quickly, anniversaries, life circumstances and the course of PTSD, and I don’t know what else.