How Do I Stop The Rape Flashbacks?

[ghotiff]

You were "groomed" and absolutely none if this was your fault.

If you haven't heard the term "groomed" and you have the strength, please look it up, it will explain a lot for you. It certainly did for me.

 

[Justmehere]

Respectfully, you are completely wrong to say it is your fault. There is absolutely no circumstance that would make sex with a child or young teenager the fault of the teenager or child.

It's really common for rape survivors to feel like it was our fault... There is absolutely no way it was your fault. He raped you and it's his fault.

He sounds like a real predator. He took advantage of you in horrible ways. You were a kid. Sex with kids is always the fault of the adult and never the fault of the child. It is always a crime for an adult to have sex with a minor. It is a horrible a use of power. He manipulated you and raped you and it is absolutely his fault. Not yours.

Even if he bought you a million toys and even if he was paying for things now... He is absolutely 100% responsible. Adults are supposed to protect kids and teenagers even (that's why we have these reporting laws - it's because kids and teens are more vulnerable to being groomed by adults in thinking it was their fault or what they had to do.)

I'm so sorry for what he did to you -all of it. He should have cared for you and protected you ALL the time. Instead he betrayed you.

It does sound like you are very understandably triggered when anyone else tries to give you gifts. Your reactions are very normal for what you have been through. They will get better when you are ready to work through them in treatment. And you only have to do that if/when you are ready. Things are going to eventually get better, just keep hanging in there and sharing when and where you feel ok enough to share. You can share any details here that help to share here - no apologies needed.

You really are very brave. And it is absolutely not your fault at all. Period.

p.s. Just FYI for you or anyone else reading, RAINN has an online hotline - which is an anonymous online chat service. You type into an annoymous screen and a trained professional types back. No registration, identity information, or phone required - only an internet connection.

 

[Alex Callen]

It does sound like you are very understandably triggered when anyone else tries to give you gifts. Your reactions are very normal for what you have been through. They will get better when you are ready to work through them in treatment. .

Thank you so much. I'm almost tearing up. Thank you so much, this whole community has been a godsend for me. Your kindness, words of encouragement, and helpful tips are amazing.

What do you mean by "work through them with treatment"? Will I have to go to some hospital-type treatment other than the trauma counsoler? Also, could I get the link to the RAINN chat service?

Thank you.

 

[ghotiff]

I want to start by saying this, as it can NEVER be said enough.

None of this was your fault! You are not responsible in any way! You were manipulated and your childhood innocence was used against you!

What do you mean by "work through them with treatment"? Will I have to go to some hospital-type treatment other than the trauma counsoler?

There are a number of different approaches, and I don't know that much.

My therapy is once a week (or fortnight) and its 1 hour of talking to a PTSD psychologist. Apparently the first thing you do is build trust which can take anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 years (apparently). Once the trust is there, you start to discuss your abuse for a short period during the session. This short period is called a "therapeutic window"....the reason its short is that survivors generally can't take a full hour of this kind of work so its managed in contained windows and either side is generally catch up type discussions, or counselling on grounding strategies etc.

I have a few threads that describe my experiences as someone new to therapy (I'm 40ish and recent to do therapy but my abuse is from childhood). Maybe they will help you?
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/saw-my-new-t-but-what-to-do-now.41864/

 

[Alex Callen]

I have a few threads that describe my experiences as someone new to therapy (I'm 40ish and recent to do therapy but my abuse is from childhood). Maybe they will help you?
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/saw-my-new-t-but-what-to-do-now.41864/

Thank you for that insight. That cleared a few things up for me.

I can't explain how great it feels to finally let people know! It hurt having it bottled up for the past 6 years. I visit 'him' tomorrow, so hopefully everything goes smoothly.

Thanks everyone! :)

 

[Echo]

@Alex Callen - I am glad you have some clarity and that it has been of benefit to tell us all here.

I am rather concerned, though, that you are seeing your abuser tomorrow - if I understand right, that is who you mean by 'him'. Do you have a plan to keep yourself safe physically but also emotionally? It is very hard not to get triggered into flashbacks and the like around the person who has hurt you. Put your own welfare first and keep safe at all costs.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad you are feeling supported by sharing here. You are taking some good steps to start talking about it. @ghotif explained what it looks like to work through trauma pretty well. It doesn't require a hospital unless you are seriously planning and intending to commit suicide (or homicide) but outside of that, healing from trauma usually doesn't require being in a hospital.

This is the link to the online hotline: https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

I am concerned too that you are seeing this person tomorrow. I agree with @Echo that a plan to stay not just physically safe, but emotionally safe, is really important. You may likely keep having flashbacks while you are still around him until you are ready to talk to a counselor about what you have been through.

Anything you can do to stay connected to safer people might help, and just keep reminding yourself, what he did to you is not who you are and is not your fault.

If you have the option to not be with him tomorrow, I strongly suggest really considering that option. Taking a break from being around him doesn't mean you will never see him again, but taking a break from being around him will likely help reduce flashbacks and the amount you are being triggered elsewhere and it will give yourself some space to keep processing and to begin to heal.

If he does anything that you don't want, do everything you can to leave or at least be with other people in a public space. Put your safety first over upsetting people, even your mom.

Please do not forget that what he has done to you is absolutely not your fault, and if you ever do feel unsure about that, we will be here to remind you. :)

 

[Fadeaway]

Alex, I am so glad you found help here. You have been given excellent advice.
I can't stress the fact that it isn't your fault.
Look at it this way. Imagine how much more you know about life at 16 than you did at 10. With the knowledge you have gained in the last 6 years, could you manipulate a 10 year old fairly easily if you were that type of person? You were manipulated by someone older who knew exactly what they were doing. A 10 year old doesn't have the knowledge or life experience to defend against that. A 10 year old natural inclination is to trust older people.

As a mother, it would cause me pain to think my daughter didn't tell me to protect me.
Your mom can't blame herself if she had no indication, hints or clues that it was happening.
CPS wouldn't take you away.

I know how hard it is to tell. It is not an easy thing to do, but not telling is one of my greatest regrets in life.

 

[Alex Callen]

I would never even think about hurting myself, or others. I have been known as a very non-violent guy.

Sadly, things didn't go well today. When I arrived, there was only one person there besides him and I. And 'he' told the other person to go out and get groceries. Then, he made me, take off his clothes, and he made me, do things. I don't want to elaborate. I tried to leave, but he was stronger then me.

I'M SO SORRY. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, PLEASE I'M SORRY. I TRIED TO LEAVE, BUT HE LOCKED THE DOOR GOD DAMNIT. I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I FAILED YOU AGAIN. I DIDN'T MEAN TO I DIDNLRT DMATENA TO NMFG. I AM BLEEDING FROM MY ANUS AND IT HURTS. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. WHY DIDN'T I TRY HARDER TO LEAVE. I AM SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME PLEASE. IT TASTES HORRIBLE I DON'T WANT IT, I DON'T WANT IT. I'm sorry I'm sorry.

What do I do?

 

[joeylittle]

Please go here:
https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

Or go out to anywhere with a phone (I know you said you don't have one of your own) and call RAINN.

They are really equipped to help you directly.

None of this is your fault. The one thing you have power over is your own voice. I know how terrifying it is to feel like you are opening the biggest Pandora's box. But I hope you use your voice to help yourself.

 

[ghotiff]

None of this is your fault. You need an adult to help you. You can not be responsible for your own safety, you are too young and it is too big a burden.

 

[Echo]

@Alex Callen - what a bastard! He tricked you deliberately. Do not think for a moment that this is your fault. You did nothing wrong. You do not need to apologise. Please ring RAINN or message them. Please do it right away so you get help right now. You cannot do this on your own. You do need an adult's help. None of us could do this on our own. Please let us know when you have been in touch and how you are.