How do you build/find self worth?

[EveHarrington]

How do you build self worth?

How do you find self worth?



The only thing I can think of is finding the worth of my inner child and then figuring out how do do the “she IS me” thing without believing that all those wonderful traits were lost along the way.

Please help.

:hug:

 

[someo]

I have been able to build self-worth in a way, but deep down I still hate myself. I can look at my accomplishments and good qualities and be proud of them and actually feel like I am worth something, but this only works in a sort of a superficial level. Deep down I still hate myself, but normally I do not connect much with the deepest level of my emotions, so the low self-worth and actual self-hatred nowadays don't dictate how I feel most of the time or behave. I would suggest trying to find positive things about yourself and maybe like trying new things and trying to do some things you are or were good at, with an open mind. Whats often done in CBT is trying to create new positive experiences. Like now that I'm able to do programming effectively (something I hadn't been able to do in years) and work in the industry (even though its an internship at the moment) my self-worth has skyrocketed. Of course this is only superficial, since the feeling of self-worth should not be tied to accomplishments and functioning, but this is still a huge improvement in my case.

One thing that came to my mind also is behavior. You can also go the other way around and influence your thoughts and emotions through your behavior. Like when I stopped doing drinking (I'm an alcoholic) and engaging in other self-destructive behaviors, I think that was what started a positive trend also in this area.

When it comes to building a healthy feeling of self-worth in the deepest level, that's something I would also like to know how to do. In my case I have a feeling that the self-hatred is actually a sort of a defense mechanism, when I blame myself for everything, in my case it also creates a feeling that I shouldn't feel the emotions related to the trauma, and what it especially is its function I think, is to prevent feelings of hate towards the perpetrators from surfacing, which made it possible for me to not to resist when the abuse was occurring (since that would have only made things worse).

And also working with the inner child might not be a bad idea.

 

[Friday]

What do you value?

 

[Changing4Best]

I have found self worth in my work, in my friendships and at my church. That last has been through friendships mostly too, but also through God. Sometimes it is the little things, like folks making sure not to leave me out, even though I do not drive. They offer me rides. Sometimes it is the BIG things, like sharing a photo here that I took and getting a lot of "likes" on it, or sharing a painting I painted on FB and getting the same. I feel valued and appreciated for the things I do for others and when they say thank you or that they really like something I did for them. I especially feel valued when one of my clients thanks me for what I do for them.

 

[KimmyO]

Sometimes it isn't looking inward but outward to others and seeing how you can help them. That will show you where your talents are and where your passion is. Then you will feel more self worth, even tho it seems backwards, it really helps a lot! Someone out there is waiting for just the kind of person you are to help them and they need you and you need them. Getting involved in volunteering is great and seeing where your interests lie by trying new things and groups is helpful too. We change all the time and yet keep the same core, so look ahead maybe rather than back. The traits will show and strengthen your core and you will see the amazing person you are and that you are needed and loved like never before. I did find taking magnesium and ginseng helped a lot to calm my mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts that tear us down and weaken our resolve. Growth happens by reaching up and out, like a flower. =) bloom where you're planted.

 

[tacit]

I don't know if this is of any help at all given i have no clue in this area, but thought i'd share something that helps me.

I've always struggled with the concept of a 'self', let alone my own. Today there is some kind of sense or resemblance of something there that is actually real & solid & good as my 'self' (although blurry), but i still don't really get it.

I remember talking to my therapist about it & how i wanted to learn the same things (self esteem/worth) & that i was guessing it started with believing in myself first, but there too was the same problem ..believing in what exactly & 'what is this self you speak of'? (the only idea i had was of a pretty crappy one)

He just asked me, 'What do you really want?'

And even though intellectually i knew exactly what he was asking, i'm embarassed to say i had no idea what he was going on about .. i had never allowed myself to go there before, or thought to. I mean ..what the hell is that suppose to mean anyway & what on earth does it have to do with anything?

After asking what do you mean, he said ..not what will make you feel better or you 'feel' like doing, or what you should or need to do, say etc. but what do YOU really want right now.

And i had absolutely no idea. I had thought everything that i had been doing was what i had wanted. But as it turned it, it was all just what no else had told me what to do or what i had decided for myself but not necessarily in line with what i had actually wanted. Mostly, when i really thought about it, it was all just what made sense to do or say.

So, after having no clue what that could be (no one had ever asked me that before), he advised to start small. And for me, that was, what do i really want to have for lunch?

His office was a 2 1/2 hour drive from my place & i would usually go through Maccas afterwards ..it was easy. But not what i really wanted. In fact i found it very easy to come up with many things that i didn't REALLY want but struggled to determine what i did.

In my usual dog with a bone style, i really wanted to figure this out & it took me about an hour into my drive home to realise what i did want, & i was starving by this time. What i really wanted was my favorite sandwich that would need to be made at home & after going to the supermarket first (which was known for being way too 'peopley' & especially from being so wiped after my appointment & the drive up & back). But i was curious about this process & wanted to give it a go & decided that is what i would do.

And i was surprised by the results. The hunger pains eased, the drive home flew, i didn't even think about going in the supermarket & before i knew it, i was home eating my sandwich ..& it felt good, the whole experience from the time i made the decision, felt really good. 'I' felt really good.

Now i don't know if i'm just particularly broken in this area or whether most people seem to get by without ever really having to think about it, probably a bit of both. But what i do know is this. Whenever i truly answer the question of what do i really want (to do or say or whatever) & live accordingly, all my areas of self worth, esteem or believing in myself, never seem to come into question. And the only times that i question or doubt myself or self loathing has crept in, is when i have lost sight of it.

I think that maybe developing self worth is up there with how to be happy. It's not something you can conjure up directly itself, but is rather a byproduct caused from doing something else, eg. when i do this i feel happy or when i do that i feel good about myself.

And for me, i feel good about myself & confident in what i'm doing whenever i am doing the things i need to do to answer the question 'what do i really want?'

Hope it helps.

 

[Tinyflame]

Now i don't know if i'm just particularly broken in this area or whether most people seem to get by without ever really having to think about it, probably a bit of both. But what i do know is this. Whenever i truly answer the question of what do i really want (to do or say or whatever) & live accordingly, all my areas of self worth, esteem or believing in myself, never seem to come into question. And the only times that i question or doubt myself or self loathing has crept in, is when i have lost sight of it.

I am broken too.

I call this (the same ^^) my heart-of-hearts, it is easy to answer questions from there. Perhaps the answers are about how I would live, were it without what holds me back, within my mind or self. Or living what is the deepest truth for me?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

What do you value?

This is an important question. Because self-worth is closely tied up with what is valuable to you, and then sticking to what´s valuable to you. And if you can´t do that, then look for what traits you admire in others.

The reason you admire them in others is usually that you recognize them. If you recognize them, that either means you have had these qualities (but are out of touch) or have the potential to develop them.

Wonder who you are. Are you the result of your background? Thoughts influence our ideas of who we are, a lot. If you envision possibilities for a blank slate, then there are possibilities for a blank slate.

I would caution against taking the inner child as an example. The child will come out at its own pace, and as your self-worth grows, you will see the child coming out. Your inner child needs safety, after all.

Edited to add: the inner child needs you to be its example. Which is a source that could give you self-worth. Grow in a direction that will make your inner child proud. Become the parent that they never had.

 

[EveHarrington]

This is an important question. Because self-worth is closely tied up with what is valuable to you, and then sticking to what´s valuable to you. And if you can´t do that, then look for what traits you admire in others.

The reason you admire them in others is usually that you recognize them. If you recognize them, that either means you have had these qualities (but are out of touch) or have the potential to develop them.

Wonder who you are. Are you the result of your background? Thoughts influence our ideas of who we are, a lot. If you envision possibilities for a blank slate, then there are possibilities for a blank slate.

I would caution against taking the inner child as an example. The child will come out at its own pace, and as your self-worth grows, you will see the child coming out. Your inner child needs safety, after all.

Edited to add: the inner child needs you to be its example. Which is a source that could give you self-worth. Grow in a direction that will make your inner child proud. Become the parent that they never had.

But, but, but....

Everybody LOVES her!

I know, I need to protect her. That is of utmost importance.

I think I was thinking more along the lines of how she is the version of me who isn’t bogged down with fear and adult problems and... She’s the essence of who I am, carefree and FUN and open and loving and...

 

[Mach123]

IDK but, I know when I feel it. I feel stronger. I can take a position and not have any doubt.

Self loathing is the most debilitating symptom in my opinion and the most difficult to overcome. It's SO slippery!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

If you feel that starting there is good, then starting there is good. Deciding what YOU want versus what everybody else suggests you could do, also builds self-worth ;)


My perspective is based on my experience, and my experience is I had to grow into an adult first. The inner child came out later.

 

[EveHarrington]

My perspective is based on my experience, and my experience is I had to grow into an adult first. The inner child came out later.

Oh, my inner child has been out and about for years. My last few partners have seen her. I feel her presence and see her actions often when I am alone. My most important job is to protect her as an adult should protect a child. Others can see her, but I don’t give them direct access to her. She’s found a play mate in my nephew (he’s 1 1/2 now). I can only imagine what my sister thought when she saw us playing. She’s never seen that side of me before......but I digress.

I guess my goal was to foster my inner child and try to capture her positive qualities as an adult. She’s fun, she’s adventurous, she’s sweet, she’s innocent, and so on.