How do you deal with people who want to fix you?

[Mee]

Zoogal.....

I know my husband cannot fix me and get knows that too. What get is doing is showing willingness to do stuff to support me. He is willing to devote his free time to a cause that means a lot to me and hd us clear he would like me to persue civil case but is very clear that decisions are mine.

How Could anyone fix us anyway? If it were easy goodness knows we would do it, right?

 

[EveHarrington]

Hii Evey, sorry about this, if u ever need strength just ask me
as really difficult as it is, you need...

Hi, do you have any resources you can point me to?

I know I have blood sugar issues. I’m
Not diabetic/pre-diabetic (I have been tested), but I know my blood sugar issues are related to how I feel.

I wish I could remember how it exactly affects me. My brain is drawing a blank right now.

People who want to fix others often have stuff they are avoiding themselves.

Help me? Sure. Help f...

BINGO!

I can’t even begin to count the number of closeted alcoholics I’ve dated.

Fortunately I knew enough to give them the boot early on!

Fixers definitely can be those who are avoiding their own issues.

“I’ll fix you because I don’t want to fix me.”

Interestingly my therapist was very supportive of me today when we talked about the fixer dynamic in my last relationship. She told me that was the one good thing that came out of it. I now know that people must (MUST!) accept me as I am and not try to fix me/change me. They can bring up any issues, but in more of a “maybe you should see your therapist to get help with _____” kind of way.

Validate that they care, set boundaries, and tell them what is more helpful. “I need someone to li...

Thank you, this was very helpful and along the same lines of what my therapist told me today.

I will work on this and figure out the best way to approach my friend.

Where is the line between fixing and "this has to be changed or we can't be together because it's too da...

I think with fixing, someone is telling you how to change. Do this, do that, blah blah blah.

I mean my ex would tell me to check in with my parts, take care of my inner child, etc. Whoa. This was like dating a therapist! He didn’t understand that this was backfiring on him. My inner child was in pain, so other parts were resisting his advice in order to protect her. It got complicated FAST. Especially since he was soooo out of his league in dealing with my dissociated parts.

The other thing is saying I can’t for example handle your outbursts....but they leave it to you to figure out how to manage your outbursts.

That’s how I see it anyway.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Where is the line between fixing and "this has to be changed or we can't be together because it's too damaging?"

Chiming in as a supporter, one is codependency, and the other is a boundary. I know I can't fix my vet. He has spent years battling this beast, and even if I wanted to, I could never understand what his process is. I keep my nose out of his business as far as therapy or medication is concerned. However I know what I can and cannot deal with in a relationship. I cannot tolerate unhealthy coping methods and reactions to symptoms (i.e. substance abuse, promiscuity, physical violence, what have you). I cannot handle downward spirals with no effort to seek treatment or do any work on healing (long term dysregulation, a pattern of serious suicide attempts, etc.). Those are my lines in the sand, and if those boundaries are violated I will have to leave the relationship for my own mental health and well being. That's not me controlling him... he's gonna do what he's gonna do. He can do it without me though.

Supporters should be able to set their boundaries in a relationship too. They're just as valid as the boundaries our partners set when it comes to their PTSD and mental health. If partners cannot respect eachother's boundaries then the relationship is going to suck for everybody.

 

[asadafagahajakal]

Just budding in from the supporter section, if that’s ok?

As a supporter it’s a fine line, or rathe...

If there’s something we may do to cope with our issues, and doesn’t hurt anyone, just let us be. Also just don’t give unsolicited life advice. That basically sums it up. If we ask, then share. And if it doesn’t concern you, then maybe you should leave it be, since it seems to work for them.

 

[Friday]

line between fixing and "this has to be changed or we can't be together because it's too damaging?"

That’s a boundary.

It could be only willing to be with someone who wears yellow socks, or stop being a mass murderer, but everyone has the right to say “This is a hard limit for me, it changes or we’re through.” In either a do this or don’t do this sort of thing. Ditto soft limits. They won’t leave you over it, but they won’t be happy about the situation, & it will be an ongoing problem in your relationship until/unless it changes.

It doesn’t mean you have to do it / not do it. Hard limit (we’re done) or soft limit (This is a problem). That’s always your choice. But coming to you with a problem and giving you the opportunity to do something about it, or not (ie giving you a choice) ...isn’t a bad thing. Also isn’t required.

How do you deal with people who want to fix you?

Depends entirely on who it is, what they’re on about, and how they go about it.

There’s something incredibly sexy and alluring about someone seeing a potential in me ...that I agree with. The kind of person who makes me a better person just by being them, and seeing me as they do. There’s something enervating and synergistic about someone who goes about challenging me & driving me in a very very very narrow set of ways. IE ones I like.

2 great big honking caveats in there. Remove either one, I don’t agree with them or I don’t like how they’re going about it, and we’re usually done. Not always. But usually.

There’s also a big damn piece of personal responsibility in there. If I’m with someone who wants xyz, and I move heaven and earth to make xyz happen? That’s MY choice. I can opt out at any time (nope, don’t want this), and the results are entirely on me (not gonna turn around and blame them for what I elected to do). Because I’m the one choosing to do it.

 

[Lionheart]

I will have to give this question more thought, but I agree that it depends on who it is, what they are trying to fix, and how they go about it, but in general I use these words, "Perhaps, you are right, I will consider that", (to show respect for their opinion, let them know they've been heard, and that I will take their suggestions into consideration), and if they are pushy, "My life, My choice." (to let them know who is in charge).;):tup::)
But my default answer is, "It depends."