Relationship How do you deal with projections?

[Hojay]

I’m by no means perfect. I’ll say that right off the bat. But my partner has started to project a lot of things onto me that basically equate me with his abuser(s) when I do something “wrong” or something he considers threatening. It’s the single most hurtful thing i can imagine. Has anyone experienced this? How do you respond with empathy but not take on the abuser label? Whenever I try it just sounds like im invalidating his experience. I’m more than willing to apologize for things I have done wrong, but to be equated with an abuser is a little much. Advice?

 

[Butterflies2023]

Is your partner in therapy? If so maybe you can attend - both have a session together.

Maybe you could seek counseling to help you deal with this on a consistent basis - the therapist could help you - help her.

Maybe you could show her your post here. Or simply sit her down and gently softly say I care about you but this is what I am experiencing.

Maybe if this is ongoing you need time apart for her to ponder what you said and you refresh yourself - heal yourself.

 

[Friday]

Has anyone experienced this?

Yep.

How do you respond with empathy but not take on the abuser label?

This is a hard limit for me, I don’t do empathy, I do Oh hell no. Pull your head out of your f*cking ass. Seriously. f*ck that noise. I don’t play around with this one whatsoever. Someone mistaking me for an enemy is an immediate stop the world and wake the f*ck up, moment.

Afterwards? Sure. Empathy in spades... after the bucket of ice water, and the complete and total cease fire. This shit happens. Been on both sides of it. No way in hell do I not challenge it, immediately. Full stop.

 

[Hojay]

@SherlocktoWatson
Unfortunately, right now he’s had to take a break from therapy. Something quite awful happened to him with his last therapist and he’s naturally apprehensive. I hope he’ll go back, but I might be in denial and he never will. That’s a different problem altogether though. I’m in therapy and that’s helping, but my t can only do so much in my day to day dealings with him.

I suggested couples counseling, but he’s having a hard time trusting anyone right now, especially people whose job descriptions starts with th and ends with erapist. So while that would be the best solution, it just doesn’t look very likely right now.

@Friday YES! That’s my first reaction too. I’m livid when this happens and my first instinct is to not put up with this for one second. BUT, that’s the very issue. If I react as I’d like, he thinks I’m invalidating his experience, which in turn makes him trust me even less.

Here’s an example: I’ve had a steep learning curve as to being able to back off when he tells me he needs to “stop.” Meaning, no more defending myself, trying to clarify his misunderstanding, no word from me essentially, or I didn’t “let him calm down.” I’ve learned a lot and am better at shutting my trap and backing off until he is well enough to talk (him being able to address my issue later is another issue for later.) A few days ago we had a situation wherein he told me to “stop” doing something I wasn’t doing. Me trying to enquire what he’d like me to stop was already not enough stopping. Confusing, yes, and while I may have not “stopped” by asking “what?” the projection he’s making as to “nobody ever respecting his no” is quite obvious. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but like I said, my behavior is far from what his abusers did to him.

Long story short, I could gently and calmly and reasonably tell him what I think he’s doing. But he’ll only see it as me “justifying” my behavior and as invalidating. He doesn’t trust me right now. I mean, maybe there is something I could say, but I’m not seeing it right now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's a sticky situation. When somebody is symptomatic and deep in victim-mode everything you do is going to be "wrong/dangerous/toxic" because they're looking for it to be.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

The only thing I can think of to do when my vet gets like this is, like you, keep my mouth shut and wait for a better day. It suuuuucks being scapegoated, and I have a temper too. Dendending yourself just throws gasoline on the fire though. Sometimes not dignifying his ranting with a response feels like a victory though.

 

[Hojay]

@Sweetpea76 yes, all of the above, start to finish. Victim mode and gasoline on the fire when I protest. When you don’t dignify these things with a response, does your vet feel like you’re invalidating his feelings? I’ve been accused of being dismissive etc. in moments when I just don’t want to engage blatantly false stuff. So really, damned if I do, damned if I don’t. What’s become really hard though is that he’s now hardened into his stance of me not being trustworthy. Before he’d somehow calm down and see the light, but for the first time he’s really thinking about whether or not I’m too dangerous and toxic for him.

Even worse, he says he doesn’t want to end things, but he needs to figure out how to never ever be in a position again where I can hurt him. I mean, that’s just impossible. And so obviously the wrong end of the stick. And it’s just confusing and hurtful.

 

[Friday]

BUT, that’s the very issue. If I react as I’d like, he thinks I’m invalidating his experience, which in turn makes him trust me even less

Because it’s a hard limit for me... I don’t care (how they react). They have just f*cked up hardcore, and they’ll know it, because this is a brick wall they’ve just run race first into. So people who have more wiggle room on that particular boundary / it’s a soft limit for them... would probably have better advice.

For me, they SHOULD feel invalidated, because they’re f*cking wrong. I am not going to validate that I am an enemy. Whether it’s a violent combat mixup or the more subtle insidious abuse mixup, neither flys with me. Ever.

 

[Hojay]

Yes I can follow that logic @Friday. And ordinarily it would be a hard limit for me too...if he came straight out and said “you’re just like my abuser” that is. These conversations are sadly a little more convoluted than that, and by the time I realize what he is actually getting at, he’s long called the conversation off. (Which, in the past, would have been my cue to throw a hissy fit. Not anymore.) So I’m going to have to find a way to draw a line without getting aggressive about it. A tempter just does not fly with this one. And just writing that out loud makes me realize I’m really quite caged in as to the range of emotions I can safely display (now, or in general...I don’t know anymore.)

 

[Finchlet2]

The world is not made up of enemies and friends. Anyone can screw you over it's just dependent on how far they'll take it and what'd be the catalyst.

Projection is a weird one. Like yesterday, someone I know looked like they wanted to punch me, so I punched myself chipping a bit of my mandible bone. I swear the ensuing interaction passed quicker as a result. Sorry, I'm procrastinating and confused. I should study.

Best advice: talk when you are both in the present (or on the good side of the norm), and talk with tools like pen and paper so each of you can write shit down. It helps.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Hojay I hope you’re making progress within yourself with this. The whole projection thing caused me the most grief; it was crazy making on steroids. I learned from experience that every time I defended myself, it was like throwing gasoline on an increasingly roaring fire.

Out of desperation, I learned to simply not engage anymore. I would simply try my damndest to not take it personally and walk away. Fortunately for me, as I was doing this, my sufferer decided to return to therapy and the therapist is working on her issues. She still projects but it no longer bothers me and her therapist now deals.

None of this was/is simple for me. It has taken a toll on how I think but was necessary for me. On good days she sees why she does what she does to me and I can see where her therapy is helping.

Trust is a 2 way street and I’m learning that her trust issues come from her illness and my trust issues were born from all the crazy making. I’m taking responsibility for mine and am working on it with my therapist. I do see light at the end of this journey as we both learn how to manage her PTSD.

 

[Hojay]

@Snowflakes your post resonates so much! I’m also in the process of disengaging. The last round of projections was simply too much. I’ve been doing this for a while with varying degrees of engagement, but I now refuse to be pulled into the crazymaking for another second. So I’m keeping my distance. But what seems to be happening is the more I disengage, the less emotionally involved I become, and the more I start thinking “why am I even going through all this? Why not just give up?” Do you have a similar experience? It’s not that I don’t love my SO, but things when he’s in bad shape have really started accumulating. I’m fine emotionally and psychologically stable, but it’s the first time I’m starting to look at him differently. It’s sad really.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Hojay yes, you are absolutely correct about the questions such as “why am I even going through all this?” and “why not just give up?” I think those are normal feeling for those of us who have been emotionally knocked down so many times that we question whether it is worth it to get up again. Each of us have that emotional line in the sand where we can’t go on but that line is unique to each of us.

This is what I meant in my post about “taking a toll on how I think”. The crazy making really did a number on me. I no longer blame my sufferer; I truly believe it is the illness speaking, not the core of who she is. Her therapist has explained to her that I actually have a bit of “secondary PTSD” from my experiences. I don’t see it but it makes sense. Often, I’ve had to find my “happy place” by myself which kind of looks like I’m isolating. It’s of short duration and I’m aware of what I’m doing.

As I wrote, she is going to therapy and the psych doc seems to have a better handle on her meds so I see hope for both of us. Like you, I do look at my sufferer differently but I don’t see it as a bad thing. I see it as adapting to her PTSD.

I’m not sure what my story would be if she were not in therapy like your guy is. It is my sense that the projections were driving us emotionally apart and both our therapies are slowly moving is emotionally closer. Without the therapy, I’m afraid the distance might have grown to distant to overcome.