How do you deal with "the silent treatment?"

[Changing4Best]

I found an interesting link on this, actually, my Therapist found it:

Yes, The Silent Treatment Is Emotional Abuse — And YOU Can Stop It

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Silent treatment between intimate partners, as the article you shared speak on, is quite different than the scenario you have with this guy.

I would directly talk to him about my feelings, especially if I wished to remain friends/friendly acquaintences and wanted to continue to be social with him.

If not, I'd just kindly keep to myself, stop letting him take up so much of my thought time and space, and do something I actually enjoyed to pass my waiting time.

He may have never had anyone model socially appropriate behaviors in his life, regardless of being old enough to know better, other than authoritative figures trying to "fix" him, and as many of us know, learned behaviors and the mental health issues that may also be accompanying the various struggles we face aren't as easy as just snapping out of it because others aren't comfortable with it, never have been, never will be, it seems.

He may just be nursing hurt feelings. Some take longer to bounce back than others. Some never bounce back. Especially if/when it triggers deep seated issues we've been dealing with our entire lives.

He may now be feeling he must be overly cautious and is fearful he may offend again, so he keeps his mouth shut to remove the chances of screwing up.

He may just be a rude, socially awkward and offending individual who really doesn't give a rat's ass if he offends people or not, because that's just him and he's not the least bit interested in pleasing others based on their sensitivities to what he does or says.

He may feed off the energies everyone else puts into trying to change him and that's how he gets his daily entertainment.

There's really no way to accurately assess what goes on in anyone's mind but our own, and even that gets tricky some days.

It sounds like he's clearly told you that he doesn't want to talk about it and has made it a point to directly tell you that he won't be speaking to you. As mentioned above, that sounds more like a clear boundary, not so much a silent treatment, as I understand silent treatments to be.

You say he's had plenty of time to think of things that are NOT picking and teasing, almost as if you're awaiting his social skills to now be greatly improved, perhaps making it possible for the pleasurable parts of the social connection with you to be restored so he can prove to you he's going to be better at it, all the while, you're steadily observing, revisiting, and noting all the things he's still doing wrong that you feel could be improved upon. That's a whole lot of energy going his direction. I'd be cautious about continuing to spend that much of my current-$ee on another.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, I have had other people in my life that have given me the "silent treatment" and sometimes it has been a life partner that has done so, sometimes just a friend or even someone I hardly know at all. Sometimes it is more subtle, like just turning on the TV and ignoring me. Sometimes it has been this unexpressed resentment, where you know the person is peeved, but they are "stuffing it." They will give short answers, packed with some kind of negative emotion, or disapproval, but they won't say what is really on their mind.

In this man's case, he has not spoken to me at all since that day I mentioned above, but I have heard him talking about me behind my back a few times. I was busy, so I didn't catch what it was exactly that he said, but it was some snide comment about what I was doing at that moment. I was writing something and I heard the word "paperwork" mentioned disdainfully. No one else in the room was writing anything at that moment, so....

The article mentions prison guards using isolation as punishment. I think it can be applied to relationships other than those with significant others. Also, where there used to be free flowing communication and now there is none, it leaves a hole in one's life. Yes, something I enjoy needs to fill that hole, agreed. Yes, sometimes I read. Sometimes I look at the cars driving by or I look at the mountains in the distance. Sometimes I watch the birds. However, always in the back of my mind, to some degree at least, is the awareness of this person sitting next to me who seems to be harboring resentment. It is something I feel like I can feel, and I don't feel like it is my imagination. It really does seem real.

There is no other bench, so I cannot move to another spot. The bus is picking us both up at our home address, so I cannot go catch it elsewhere, as it picks people up only at their homes. So I feel kind of stuck, like a sitting duck, with nowhere to go, nothing I can do to change anything, and I know, the only thing I can change is HOW I am feeling about all this. That is not easy to do, though.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@SheilaKathy Way is it so important that this person like you and talk to you?????

 

[Changing4Best]

I enjoyed our conversations, when we had them. Also, he has a TV and I don't and he would occasionally tell me about something in the news that was important to me or something that I even needed to know about. @She Cat

 

[EveHarrington]

I hate the silent treatment.

If you're going to give me the silent treatment then I'm going to go about my life like normal. I don't feed into it.

My brother is giving me the silent treatment. I just talk to him like nothing is wrong. It's his business if he wants to be nasty. I'm not going to let it get to me. I don't give in to childish antics!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think this guy appears to be a big immature bully and he is attempting to punish you. If I was you I would just bring a book even if you are too distracted to read, just open it up and try to focus on the book. Very immature guy. As hard as it is going to be you really can choose to ignore him and perhaps talk to someone else maybe.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I enjoyed our conversations, when we had them. Also, he has a TV and I don't and he would occasionally tell me about something in the news that was important to me or something that I even needed to know about. @She Cat

You have access to Internet so you have the ability to find out the news and programs on your own. You don't need him to recite this info to you.....

 

[Sideways]

say he is an ex-friend because of his refusal to speak with me at all now.

When we start communicating our needs (don't tease me) and enforcing our boundaries for the first time (or effectively for the first time), people often get uncomfortable and resentful. They didn't necessarily want the status quo to change, for a myriad of reasons.

It sounds like here, you've set a good boundary for yourself, you've communicated that boundary. We can't control the reaction of ofhers to that, but we can, by their petulant passive aggressive silent treatment, reassure ourselves that setting that boundary was clearly the right thing to do.

Maybe try and view this as a sad but potentially good outcome, and leave this person behind.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yeh, I know. I gotta just accept it. He's gone from my life. I did find an interesting link, which I posted in another thread I started last week about bullies. It is in "GENERAL." Maybe I can post the link to it in the next post here.

 

[Changing4Best]

How do you handle bullies, teasers and meanies?

 

[ms spock]

I struggle with abandonment and attachment issues @SheilaKathy. So I feel for you. I really do.

Could you request to sit on another seat on the bus? Instead of sitting next to him on the bench, can you do some mindful steps and look around at the view. You can't get away from the fact that he is there and ignoring you, but you can shake it up a little and stand up for a bit and look around. Chat to passersby or pat their dogs?

Reading a book is a great idea! Can you borrow a beautiful one from the library with uplifting images.
Have you tried a Self Compassion Break? You can listen to that or download it for free on Kristin Neff's website.
Maybe work on some DBT skills from the dbtselfhelp website? Some of the improve the moment skills are good. Improve If they are not helpful then maybe it is time to look at Radical Acceptance?
Can you count clouds? Count mountains?