General How Do You Handle The Debbie Downers?

[LoveHimThroughIt]

being ignored is one of my triggers... So you can imagine how that goes.

I lost the only person in my life who ever loved me unconditionally back in 2012. It broke me. I am still dealing with grief and loss issues. My biggest fear is losing the people I care about. My biggest fear is losing my guy right now. I cannot focus on that.

When he first went ZDT in September I freaked the hell out. Go find my other posts on this forum - they're really bad. I got chewed up and spit out by members until I really took a long hard look at myself and realized that all of my anxiety and fear and issues were my own - they weren't because of him. When I acknowledged my own issues and started working on myself instead of worrying about him, things became much better.

He's not ignoring you at all. I would imagine (based on my vet) that he gets your message and then beats himself up because he just can't respond. It is an anxiety on their part. They don't have the capacity to interact at that time. They know if they reply, then you'll reply again and then they'll be drawn into a conversation that they just can't handle having. I've gone through that myself back in March.

You cannot take it personally. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with and then once you come to terms with it and your logical brain understands what is happening, your heart will still hurt. The thing about PTSD is not setting expectations. When they are ZDT, you should send your texts because you want them to know that you care, and you're there. Not because you want to elicit a response.

I change from "Good Morning, how did you sleep?" and instead will send "Good Morning, hope you have a great day!" The difference in making a statement vs. asking a question is the difference between stressing my guy out or him being ok. If he's good to talk, he'll reply back "You too, hun" or if he's not, he just won't reply. What matters is that he knows that I'm ok and I'm thinking of him and I'm still here.

The not knowing is the hardest part. My guy and I met in person about a month into our relationship and then the morning of his flight home, he started going into ZDT. I didn't realize it until recently. Now I'm more informed and so I can look back and notice the behaviors and expressions, etc. At the time, I was clueless and when he disappeared I thought he just decided that he didn't want to be with me after we had met in person, but didn't have the cojones to tell me.

I called him up to confront him and he explained that he didn't want to break up, he was going through PTSD and that I couldn't take it personally because he withdrew from everyone when he got like this. It was confusing. I am very action oriented. To me actions always speak louder than words. He was telling me he wanted to be with me, but he wasn't showing it because the PTSD prevented him from expressing himself the way he wanted to.

We went three weeks with maybe 1 text from him a week (which was a lot for him, but he tried). I flew to him and we spent some time face to face again. He was astounded that I was still with him and that I actually had missed him. I believe he thought I was going to either yell at him or break up with him.

Two weeks after that I got a few texts from him: He was angry with himself for putting me through everything. He never meant to hurt me. He wanted to be with me. I spent almost all of September freaking out over the not knowing. But I was patient and it was worth it because at the end of the month he reached out and now in October he's texted almost daily. He's not out of the woods yet - still won't talk on the phone right now, but I am going to see him again on Saturday, so we're making progress.

Our face to face interactions are where we make the most progress, so if you can: be patient, write down your questions and concerns, and get yourself a battle buddy to hold you over until you can talk to him face to face.

Oh, one thing my battle buddies and I do... Have you ever seen the show Army Wives? When the spouses are deployed, they all get together back home and talk, cry on each other's shoulders, go to events, share their lives, become each other's family. I treat Zero Dark Thirty as a Psychological Deployment. Essentially for Combat PTSD sufferers, their brains go into combat mode. They go right back to deployment in their heads - full on fight or flight, hyper vigilance and reliving the traumas through flashbacks and night terrors. So we have to tailor our own behavior as if they were deployed. On deployment, there may be communications blackouts during missions (when they're full on ZDT and won't talk, text, etc and isolate) or technical issues (they will text but not call) and we have to take care of ourselves - we do the errands, we go out with our friends instead of on dates with our partners. It is about keeping positive and focusing on the things you can do, rather than what you can't.

One thing to keep in mind is that relationships cause both good and bad stress. Not sure if you saw what Muse posted. Sometimes the emotionality of an interaction with a loved one is too difficult to process. My guy and I will often have lovely, romantic, emotionally heavy conversations. The next week or so, he is minimally communicative. I don't take offense, in fact, I see that as a compliment. He cares so much that it takes him a while to process. If he didn't care it would be off his plate and he wouldn't be stressing about it.

You just need to change how you see things. If you can acknowledge the ZDT as a positive and not a negative, then you will be much happier. Imagine if he had the flu, coupled with laryngitis. If he stayed in bed and didn't talk or text, you wouldn't be upset, you would be glad that he was taking care of himself to try to get better. Change your view.

 

[medley29]

I lost the only person in my life who ever loved me unconditionally back in 2012. It broke me....

You are so right. Sometimes things get muddled and I can't see clearly, but you are right. I have to be glad he is working on getting better. I will have to figure out how to change my focus. Thank you for that reminder.

 

[medley29]

I lost the only person in my life who ever loved me unconditionally back in 2012. It broke me....

I sent him "Good morning. I hope you have a good day." And no matter how much I missed him, I didn't allow myself to send anything else. My patience was rewarded. I got a response from him a few minutes ago. Learning to appreciate the little things. :)

 

[Peach]

My sister and I had a "discussion" about the movie American Sniper after I watched it, she hadn't yet. But ever since she met her husband she has become sooooo opinionated and racist and when she gets going, she starts preaching like what she's saying is the God's honest truth and she knows everything. There's no reasoning with her. Not very pleasant sometimes.

So, she took it upon herself to start going off about PTSD and how the killer, Routh, was a terrible guy because he couldn't hold himself together and was a menace to society (I'm not getting into that one because there are so many facets, and the military/government really lets them down once they're finished with that person), that then morphed into attacking all soldiers with PTSD and how they should be "dealth with" before becoming a problem. She said, "I know your guy has PTSD but...." I tried to explain some things to her, but she was on a roll, so this was about the time where I said, "Okay, I'm gonna go, this conversation isn't going anywhere" and hungup.

We've never brought it up again. The thing is, her husband was in the Army for a couple of years, didn't see any real combat, but joined the police force when he got out. He's been an officer for 20+ years. I was thinking, for both your sakes, I hope a couple of years after he retires he isn't hit with PTSD. What a rude awakening that would be! But it's possible, you absolutely never know who will develop the disorder or when it will strike.

 

[Wastinglight]

How do you handle the people who are constantly telling you the "obvious"? "He's not good for you" or "He's unstable" or "This will never work out" or "Are you sure he isn't cheating on you" or whatever other obnoxious question and badgering session that it brings?

Yeah, it sucks. Remind yourself that the only people who actually have a clue about what's going on in a relationship, are the two people who are IN IT.

I thought I knew all about PTSD until I actually lived with someone who had it. Everyone else doesn't have a clue - how could they? There is NO way to understand how PTSD impacts the lives and behaviour of sufferers, and their spouses, unless you have LIVED it.

However, it's also worth acknowledging that most people say all that stuff to you because they don't want you see you hurt. Doesn't make it any less annoying, but it usually comes from a good place. Usually.

 

[hangingon]

Most of the time my friends and family ask things like "are you guys still a couple?" "Why did he post _____on Facebook, is something wrong?" "Do you guys even see each other?" Or there are comments like "he needs to figure what he wants" or "so are you going to stay with him?". I always feel awkward in those conversations. I feel judged, I feel like I have to make it ok with them. I would like to feel supported even if people don't understand

 

[Dizzle]

How do you handle the people who are constantly telling you the "obvious"? "He's not good for you"...

I have been facing the same exact thing since our first isolation period started earlier this week. We are a fairly new couple, and my normal support system has been giving me the usual "He's just another douche you found, he doesn't deserve you, he's just trying to manipulate you" the list goes on and on and on....

I was starting to feel VERY drained. They do know he is a combat vet, and they do know he has PTSD. He recently had a nervous breakdown and had to stay at the VA for a week due to it. They know all of this. And my FAVORITE response: "You are just making this an excuse for his bad behavior." I cannot count how many times that has been said.

It wasn't until yesterday, I talked to a surrogate mother figure of mine about it. Her husband has SEVERE PTSD, and his moments used to be explosive and borderline violent. That's when she told me about their isolation periods, recommended research, space, and looking into a support group. That's when I came here.

Today, while still sad, and missing him more than ever (we are LDR as well), I feel SO much better. All day, I have been able to talk with people who understand not just my side of things, but his too. There has been no negativity, and I feel much more confident that we can make it through this one and the rest that will follow.

Since this whole thing is still fairly new to me, feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I definitely welcome any insight, and I am also a great listener.

 

[dulcia]

When he first went ZDT in September I freaked the hell out. Go find my other posts on this forum - they're really bad. I got chewed up and spit out by members until I really took a long hard look at myself and realized that all of my anxiety and fear and issues were my own - they weren't because of him. When I acknowledged my own issues and started working on myself instead of worrying about him, things became much better.

I love the idea of referring to it as ZDT! That's an awesome analogy. My first post on the forum was when things were not going well for my SO and I got some harsher than I expected responses from members. I took it so personally that I tried to deactivate my account for the site, before immediately trying to sign back in and messing things up for the admins (lol). With that being said....I asked in my post for opinions on verbal abuse vs. PTSD so I really didn't have the right to get upset when some (most) of the opinions given pointed towards abuse.

Buuuut I took their advice (only one or two suggestions at a time because there were so many and it is all new to me, so I felt overwhelmed) and things have gotten much better. My SO and I have not had a ZDT episode in over two weeks, which feels great after dealing with one or two a week! And that was all solely from me taking a few steps to alter the way I say or do certain things just a bit.

On the other hand, I'm jealous as sh*t. It's probably from a bad past relationship and low self confidence (that's taken added hits from insults my SO has said during ZDT). So I go to the gym. I buy clothes that fit well. I hang out with my friends more often. I don't make comments about "other girls" whenever his phone goes off -- how can I be so upset when he brings up other girls during ZDT when I sarcastically make comments about other girls, too? It has helped. The other thing I've noticed is.....we get different support from different kinds of people. My married friends/friends that are in 4+ year relationships are (naturally) more supportive of working things out, not making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, and are much more able to ground me when I start to worry about cheating. (i.e. His ex called him and he told you four days later. Why are you mad he told you four days later? He told you and that's what matters. Remember when your ex messaged you and you didn't tell him? You didn't tell him because you didn't think it was a big deal. That can work both ways.) My single friends, however, are in different situations and therefore aren't always supportive in the same way. (i.e. His ex called him? Why? Did he answer? What was she calling for? Do you think he's met up with her or anything? Does he still have her on her FB?) -- Not helpful.

I am not friends with my SO on any form of social media. We had been in the past, but it works better for us this way. We see each other every day, we talk every day, we're in a relationship. People that are in our lives that matter know that and that should be all that matters. (I say should because that is something I still have to remind myself sometimes) :banghead:

 

[ldj]

@medley29

It amazes me the things that people will say. My sufferer was in the military but didn't get deployed....

So true, well said! :tup: x
(I know this response is over a year late, but I've only just seen this!)

 

[ldj]

Glad I stumbled upon this thread, it's been a great read and reassuring to hear I'm not the only one battling the 'well-intended' but unhelpful negativity of family and friends, particularly my Mum. Yes, she's only looking out for me and doesn't want to see me hurt like I've been in the past. But it's irritating/exhausting having to defend my man all the time, validate our relationship to her, convince her that he's worth it etc etc. It's not that she doesn't like him, they get on really well. And he's always been very good at putting on a happy front around my family and hiding his symptoms - it's only me who bears the brunt of his anger. So she's only experienced his PTSD second-hand from what I tell her. But it's got to the point now where I don't talk to her about it because I can't face the aggro from her. But that's a shame not to be able to turn to your own mother for emotional support now and again, eh? She just doesn't really understand the PTSD thing. Nor do my friends. That's why I'm so thankful for this forum. #lifesaving!!

 

[ldj]

I think, on reflection, although I've explained PTSD to my Mum as best you can explain it to someone wothout having them actually experience it, maybe I haven't made it clear enough what I actually need/expect from her in terms of support. A mother's natural instinct I suppose, when she hears me moaning about him, is to join in and say negative things about him too. But NO ONE says bad stuff about my man!!! I might be negative about him myself, but I don't mean it - that's just me needing to rant, vent, release frustration, let rip. I'm living this. She isn't. All I need from her is that she listens and sympathises. I don't want more than that. Just want to know I can offload to her safely sometimes without her judging my man and our relationship and offering her negative opinions.
Have other people made the same mistake as me? Maybe we think we've explained PTSD to our loved ones. But maybe we haven't spelled out to them clearly enough what we need from them. Maybe then, we won't get the unhelpful comments of "don't be a doormat", "you deserve better", "put yourself first", "he's not good enough" etc etc

 

[Sweetpea76]

Even if people understand PTSD you'll get some of those "don't be a doormat" comments too.

I fully own up to the fact that I had to learn not to be a doormat. My vet can be an asshole sometimes.