How Do You Judge A Potential Partner?

[NicG]

Hi guys,
I've thought that one of my best friends might have had feelings for me for a while, and tonight he made it pretty darn obvious. You know, compliments, finding every reason to be near me/hug me etc, all that jazz. We went driving to look at all the pretty Christmas lights together.

I'm finding it really difficult to navigate this in my head, thanks to that long term abusive relationship I was in. I've been betrayed by both men I've been with in the past in BIG ways. I'm scared.

Logically speaking he's a good choice. Has a stable job, lives near me, finished his uni course, same religious views as me, had a traumatic childhood and has worked through it, so understands the whole trauma thing... he even has a sister with PTSD from working in a psych ward. And we are super close friends. But I'm not sure how feelings fit into the picture anymore. It's not like I feel a huge rush of emotions when I think about him. I don't know if I CAN to be honest.

Does anyone wiser than me have any advice??

 

[darrenS]

if u cant u cant ...its that simple...its great to have close meaningful relationships, but if your feelings and heart arent in it...you risk losing everything by letting it move forward -

 

[Changing4Best]

The fact that you can't feel anything for him MAY have something to do with your last two relationships, and not with you or him. I say MAY, because this might or might not be the case.

Also, from my experience, you feel for a person in many ways. In this society we live in, there is this mystique about "love" that says you have to be attracted to the person in certain ways for it to work. This, in my opinion, is one of the main reasons that so many divorces happen. Love is a give and take; it is more than just a "feeling" or an "attraction". Feelings change, as do attractions. In good relationships, both people find a way through these changes together and move on.

Folks are not willing to go the distance and work it out sometimes though, but give up too easily and agree to or file for a divorce for all the wrong reasons. There has to be a person in the relationship that has the final say when an agreement cannot be reached. There should be several days of discussions or even arguments before this person is allowed to make the final decision though. Deciding which of the two persons is to be this person might be the first real discussion or argument that you both go through.

I was married for 23 years, when my beloved hubby died. I am 60 now and have decided that I am not looking for another relationship. On the other hand, one MAY fall into my lap and then I might decide differently!

Are you seeing a therapist by any chance? If so, you might want to work all this out with him or her. If your friend should speak of wanting to move into a relationship, say that you need time to work it out in your mind and life before you decide one way or the other. Meanwhile, try to keep the friendship going and continue to say you need more time, if you get to feeling pressured. If they should say they cannot wait, well then the decision will have been made for you.

I wish you well in all this!

 

[Momofthree]

A little about me first: I had an abusive childhood and then married a man who was horribly abusive, we were together for 6yrs when he was arrested after trying to kill me, I have complex PTSD and after 2 1/2 years out I'm finally starting so see something that looks a lot like stability which oddly enough scares the crap out of me.
My guy and I have been together 5 1/2 months now, he is very shy and quit, has a stable job, has no tragic past, and has a loving family who is accepting of everyone. We set up very early in the relationship that I am not allowed to break up with him when I am triggered and he is not allowed to take anything mean or cold I say to him when I am triggered to heart. It has worked out great so far, I have tired to brake up with him half a dozen times and have said some pretty hurtful things to him about how he can't love me and how he's just going to cheat on me and leave me or even that I'm going to make him so angry that he hits me. Most days I don't have a 'love' feeling for him because most days I am numb, but I love him because he has been there for me, shown me love, loves my children, and refuses to give up on me.
I don't know your guy, but I do know that when it comes to PTSD and past abusive relationships we tend to pick another abuser because we get a rush out of the 'honeymoon' stage. We get dependent and feel needed, we feel like we can save them and change them because we love them... that isn't healthy, what we really need is the boring, dependable, stable, best friend who will never quit on us, but we start to worry about it not being 'love' and then we give up on it.
I hope my rambling helps.

 

[illusionist]

Is it possible that you see this person as a friend, and friend zone only? In other words you don't find him attractive in the romantic sense?. I once tried to break that rule but could not make that move emotionally or physically....a friend remains a friend to me. I think that's common in a lot of people with previous abuse or not.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Regardless of whether you don't have feelings because of ptsd or you don't have feelings because you only think of him as a friend, DON'T move forward. It's not fair to him, and it may be a sign that you're not ready for a relationship yet (either with him or in general).

 

[Kintsugi]

I personally would just stay friends. If something develops in your emotions, then it will do so. I wouldn't force it. I did this, but I mean, I was a kid. But still, it endangered my friendship with someone (I broke it off after, gosh, two months--it was very short) who is still my best friend today, thank god. I wish I would have just remained friends with him and let whatever would happen happen.

Later in my life, when I was old enough to really see what I jeopardized, I regretted moving too quickly and dumping him as a result, because later in my life, I really was ready to have something more with him, but I blew that future forever. He would have never gone near me again in that sense. I broke his heart, even though we were just kids.

 

[scout86]

What are you thinking of when you say "huge rush of emotions"? How does your feelings for him compare with the way you felt about your ex at this stage of the game?

Personally, I think fireworks as an indicator of a quality relationship is highly over rated. So is excitement, to be honest. Someone says "exciting" I think "train wreck".

If you're USED to drama that might be what you expect and it seems "wrong" somehow when that's not what you get.

What DO you feel when you think of him? When you're around him? You said that you're close friends. I think that's the perfect start. If a relationship is really going to be for the long haul, lots of things change. Appearances change, physical abilities change, jobs change. Lots of things change. I think what's important is the stuff that's not likely to change. (And most of that isn't about fireworks and drama, unless it's the bad kind.)

 

[NicG]

Always blown away by how helpful you all are!!

Everyone who said that "fireworks" and "drama" are what we go for becuase it's what we're used to, or it's exciting etc, that's kind of what I'm thinking at the moment. I've done the whole "swept up in the moment", need to fix the guy, in love before we've even gone on a date thing. It did NOT end well.

@scout86 I feel... a lot of peace and trust to be honest. When I'm around him I can just be myself completely.

DON'T move forward

Oh Solara, straightforward as always. Never change! At what point WOULD it be fair? I definitely don't want to be that selfish girl to one of my best mates. If I thought I had legitimate feelings that were independent of PTSD/previous abuse? Having slept on it, I actually can see some potential on that front, but obviously I'm not rushing into anything without knowing that I'm not doing it just "because"

I am seeing a therapist, but she's just gone away for a month! Noooo! My current solution is to just maintain our friendship as per usual (we've been close for like 5 years) and try not to lead him on... just figure things out on my own. Thanks all of you!

 

[scout86]

I feel... a lot of peace and trust to be honest. When I'm around him I can just be myself completely.

For what it's worth, being the survivor of several unfortunate and ill advised relationships, what you have there is golden. If he feels the same way, I'm not sure what more you could want at the moment.

Sometimes it's hard to believe in the possibility of things actually going "right" And scary, because THEN what do you do? Dealing with a train wreck is familiar territory. This, potentially, moves off into uncharted waters. Scary stuff! But the good kind of scary stuff that could be the reward for all the hard work you put into getting better. You sound like you're proceeding wisely and thoughtfully. You know what everybody keeps saying, "Baby steps!"

 

[Momofthree]

YES! YES! YES! @scout86 exactly! I couldn't have said it better! Peace and trust is pure gold and to be able to be completely yourself with someone who as been through the stuff we have been through is very rare. It seems strange and unfamiliar but it is exactly what we need.