How Do You Make Friends?

[EvenStrongerNow]

It's possible that stress responses take people from their core personality type into another one. Perhaps you have developed your thinking side as a defense after trauma, but you were originally a feeler?

INFJ's are notorious for seeing the layers.

It is my opinion that you do see the layers and you are extremely intelligent. You crave those kinds of conversations and desire to be around friends who challenge you intellectually. Also, it is important to remember that being able to be vulnerable is a sign of emotional intelligence, which you already have (I know that by the way you aren't afraid to allow different parts of yourself to come out even though they may contradict, but you are aware of that too because the bigger picture is that those parts working together produces a person making absolute perfect sense. That is balance and harmony), but because you were hurt, being vulnerable meant not surviving.

Your ultra developed thinking side, because of trauma, brings to the front your experience of being vulnerable after trauma, also means being hurt sometimes because others aren't as emotionally intelligent.

The issue in making friends seems to be a mask for being impatient with the time it takes to analyze the emotional intelligence of another person because that can also mean getting hurt again because you crave the people who will accept all parts of you without making it a "thing" to suit their own agenda. Scrambling through "social anxiety" is another mask for denying who you really are and wanting to be accepted. You mean what you say and you say what you mean. It is important for you to be understood as a whole--not just in parts.

Stop trying to be someone different to fit in. I like who you are.

Perhaps I am projecting again. The brain is so fascinating, isn't it? ;)

 

[greenleaf]

The MBTI or Kiersey tests are a great idea! There are free ones online, esp. for the Kiersey, and lots of stuff for each "type". If you're an "introvert" per those personality tests, for instance, you're unlikely to be comfortable with having zillions of friends and partying all day meeting new folks; you'd be more likely to have a few close friends.

Being a good friend is a skill that you can improve, I believe,... as is choosing friends wisely. One works at things like this over a lifetime, like with marriages. Honesty, intelligence, and a wish to connect are all great qualities in a friend!

 

[Notsowild]

Good thread @Ayesha
That's a tough one. I am extremely shy and it's comes off as snotty or aloof. I have a hard time making friends. My 2 good friends I met in a sa group. Of course they are very understanding having been through the same traumas. I am friends with 2 girls from work. I find these relationships hard because there's always too much "work" talk and I don't like that and I also find them very gossipy.

But no best friend but that could be might fault because I am a loner at heart but then I get sick of my company and need to get out too.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am still trying to process and work through things said a page ago so please bear with me. Some posts I am not sure what to say to yet...so if I don't answer or answer in detail it just means I am still thinking about it. And then some I have replied to but I am still thinking about like @cherryblossom post and @StrongerNow many posts.

Scrambling through "social anxiety" is another mask for denying who you really are

I find this confusing. I have actually been diagnosed with social anxiety and agoraphobia. So confused by how it's a mask. Maybe I have taken 'mask' as a negative thing. Please clarify.

Stop trying to be someone different to fit in. I like who you are.

I don't actually think I am trying to be someone different. I like who I am but I am aware I may put people off so I trying to learn.

Perhaps you have developed your thinking side as a defense after trauma, but you were originally a feeler?

That I am not sure about. I enjoy the 'thinking side' becasue I understand that side. I am writing an essay right now in my English class, I love it becasue it makes sense to me. It clicks.

I think maybe at one point I felt more but I also think that the thinking side is just part of my personality. My therapist says I am very analytical.

for seeing the layers.

Not a bad thing. :) I enjoy the discussions and the thoughts, the study.

You crave those kinds of conversations and desire to be around friends who challenge you intellectually.

Yes. I'll get bored or get anxiety or not connect otherwise. My therapist says that is one of the reasons my husband and I get along so well because we are 'at the same intellectual level' and it complements us well. We can talk for hours with each other.

I think you have made a good start already by picking the two girls in your class

It sounds like these two girls have an interest in getting to know you better, so this sounds like a good opportunity to move out of your comfort zone (just a little!!) and see what happens.

I will be seeing them tomorrow! :nailbiting: I haven't really thought of what to say. I am going to see how it goes and try to ask basic things. So far I know there names and that none of us like shopping at Wal-Mart (long story).

 

[StarChild]

If I can ask, I know you may not feel comfortable from what I know of you, can I ask what the word is?

Er...Sorry, I'm puzzled. Do you mean in my own language?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@SweetLullaby Yes.

 

[StarChild]

Well, actually I do feel very uncomfortable about this. Can I first think about this?..

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@SweetLullaby Of course. Please don't feel I was pressuring you. I was just curious. Sorry for making you uncomfortable.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

So, you are just trying to learn how to not put people off? If so, why? Do you think that things like that will prevent you from obtaining and retaining the meaningful friendships that you crave?

As far as being diagnosed with social anxiety and agoraphobia, I didn't know it was clinical for you so I apologize for making the assumption that it was just a mask. I understand that everyone is different. Also, "mask" doesn't always come with a negative connotation, no. Thanks for asking me to clarify. Masks serve a great purpose. Perhaps "defense mechanism" would've been more appropriate.

I'll get bored or get anxiety or not connect otherwise.

Well, that's completely understandable why this happens, but I also understand that you aren't comfortable with these feelings. Awkward moments . . .

My therapist says that is one of the reasons my husband and I get along so well because we are 'at the same intellectual level' and it complements us well. We can talk for hours with each other.

That's amazing. I am so glad that you have that. It's invaluable.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

If so, why?

Isn't that useful to learn? Isn't putting people off a bad thing...? Confused by your questions...I don't understand the tone. I am probably misinterpreting it.

Do you think that things like that will prevent you from obtaining and retaining the meaningful friendships that you crave?

I seem to do it (put people off) unintentionally. Lack of social experiences, lack of awareness (such as having to be taught facial expressions) and then just...I get picky. But again, the question confused me becasue I think of course that would be helpful.

But there are other things to learn too. Just learning to not put people off is maybe, two faced? Like learning to say things just to please them and not being truthful? Is that what you mean by the above?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

The reason I asked you those questions is very specifically so I don't project my own beliefs onto you. I want to learn about your beliefs. I don't believe what works for one person works for all.

If it is helpful for you to learn, then I respect that. Many people believe that. Is it possible that the people who feel put off by you aren't taking the time to get to know you for you? And if they aren't accepting of who you are, why is it necessary to change what may quite possibly be who you are meant to be in the first place?

In my opinion, putting people off is only a bad thing if that's how it is being interpreted by the other person. If that is not your intent on the inside, then that is not your intent, right? Wouldn't it be responsible of them to ask what your intent is before forming an opinion about you? I don't personally believe it is the reason why you don't have friends.

My facial expressions don't match what is going on externally either and they also don't represent what's going on internally. When I model, they have to put a mirror in front of me so I can see how my face looks. :D

Wait . . . are you neuro-typical?

Has anyone told you that you put people off?

This is interesting: Dead Link Removed

P.S. My tone is just one of caring about you. I hate the social dance that everyone does. I think the world needs to be more accepting, but I realize that it is just the way of things. Sigh.

I wish we could have coffee together :)

 

[StarChild]

Please don't feel I was pressuring you.

Dear Ayesha, I don't feel pressured at all by your question. Sending you a gentle wakeup-hug if you want it. :hug: