How Do You Manage Your Anger?

[GWhizz]

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the correct forum.

Basically I tend to overreact very easily and become explosive out of almost nowhere. I know it's because I'm triggered etc. But I just can't keep apologising to my partner anymore. He bears most of the brunt of my moodswings. I feel really temperamental and unpredictable to myself most of the time. I'm well able to put on a facade in work or with friends. But this is even harder on my partner as he questions why I seem so bubbly around others and yet snap over silly things with him. I've told him a thousand times how sorry I am, that I don't mean to be like this but that I feel so comfortable around him and trust him most of all and so it feels safe to express my anger or vent around him. Though I'm not directly angry at him at all. He is very understanding, tolerant and patient about it all. But I don't want to sabotage this relationship anymore. I always destroy the good things in my life. I need and want to be able to have more self control. I find exercise and mindfulness very helpful as I feel more positive and relaxed with these. Any advice/suggestions? Please be honest with your opinions here. I want to grow and improve in this regard so I appreciate your blunt honesty. I know it's a part of PTSD but I don't want it dominating me either. Thanks in advance

 

[KwanYingirl]

I turn my anger inward and hurt myself. I've never blown up on anyone as expressing my true self has never been an option. Believe me, I have a lot of anger I just self harm.

Getting to the gist of my anger has been a difficult process for me. I think you are right when you say you get irritable upon being triggered. Unfortunately, for me, I am so often participating without awareness, that I spiral out of control without even knowing it happens.

I usually end up taking a nap and feel better when I wake up. I sleep most of my blues away. My therapist would like me to try and write when I'm in those moods, but I am just so irritated I want to escape.

 

[user27357]

I checked in on this thread hoping to learn something. I am the same way but on the back end of a 35 year relationship that has included so many angry outbursts no one could count them all. My wife is a saint. I am not trying to be funny when I say that my only advice for having a long term relationship and PTSD all at the same time is to marry a saint.

I will be watching and learning, also hoping for blunt honest opinions.

 

[NicG]

I have a tonne of anger too... I think a big part of the reason I have massive outbursts at the people I love most is because I bottle it up and refuse to accept that it's there until it's too late. I really just don't know how to be angry in a healthy way and then I feel crazy guilty later for exploding at somebody for the tiniest things.

I used to self harm to deal with it too, but that's not exactly an ideal situation. What I've found works for me is slowly learning that rather than loathing the part of me that wants to scream and rage and break things, I need to show it love and accept that it's a valid part of me. Like, I'm actually ALLOWED to be angry over both what caused my PTSD, and other wrongs people commit against me nowadays. It's a normal human emotion and it just wants to be expressed properly.

Exercise does wonders for me, I can either take out my rage on a treadmill etc or, if I'm feeling like self-harming, feeling my muscles burn is painful but I don't hate myself for it the next day ;)

Another thing I've been doing with my psych that's... a tad weirder, so to speak, is kind of projecting the hurting part of myself onto an object, and then treating that object the way my angry self wants to be treated. For example, my object is a stuffed toy chicken my work mates gave me, when I'm scared or angry I give it a cuddle and say something like "I hear that you're angry and hurting and you need some time out from life and to know you're loved" and it reminds me to not be so harsh on myself, and that while anger is appropriate at times, sometimes it's caused by something much deeper than whatever it is you think you're mad at.

Hope that helps/makes sense :) I'm also super interested to hear what people have to say since I'm not amazing at controlling my anger at times too!!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Uncontrollable angry outbursts was the first sign that something was seriously wrong inside of me. I used to get really angry at my husband and my children (I still do, but it's getting better). My husband got the brunt of it, too. He finally turned to me one day and said, "I think we need marriage counseling." That took me by surprise because I was very happy in our relationship. Then he explained that I was angry at him all the time and I said, I was angry all the time, but not at him, it just happened to come out that way. So I sought counseling and was diagnosed with PTSD and later complex-PTSD and DID.

I used to self-harm a lot when I was angry. I have been working on strategies to help me. When I feel really anger and I can actually notice it, I will bounce a basketball, color really hard with red or black, or tear a phone book or magazine. I also write all of my angry thoughts when I can- I use big letters, too.

I also repeatedly remind my husband that I sometimes can't control the anger, but that I am working on it. I might be triggered by something he has done or said or it might be anger because of pent up emotions from something else that I am working through. I jsut try to remind him that I love him and I wish it were different.

I am also trying to find out what triggers my anger. This one is especially important when dealing with my son. I have found that things like him saying "You're not listening to me" when I say "I don't know" as an honest answer to what he asked, is a trigger. So now I know and I can walk away and tell him I need a moment. I can apologize to my son after yelling, but I know that he thinks I don't love him when that happens and so I am trying to avoid that as much as I can. Learning the triggers is key for that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

One of my old therapists told me that it FEELS like there is literally no time between "feeling" and "reaction". In this case, the reaction is an angry outburst, but in reality, this concept can be applied to any of the negative feelings and subsequent negative feelings experienced in PTSD. She had me working on identifying the preceding "trigger", the exact feeling, the negative behavior that followed, along with things such as time of day, length of "episode", etc (all in a chart in my diary). This way I could see if there were any emerging patterns that occurred. The goal was to be able to identify the exact instant between feeling and reaction and then drive a wedge between the two. That is, increase the time between feeling and reaction so that you can actually gain control over that negative reaction instead of feeling out of control. (I hope this makes sense!)

This is NOT an easy skill to master, not by a long shot. It takes a lot of time and diligence, but yes, this is what has worked for me. I still have more than enough of those trigger/reaction episodes, but I am learning to identify the feelings that lead up to my reactions so that my brain can say "hey, something bad is coming, stop it now". As to the exact skill you use to stop the anger, well, I think that is highly individual and you'll have to find what works for you. But, until you can increase the time between trigger and reaction, I honestly don't think that any skill will be fully effective.

 

[scout86]

My T has mentioned (more than once!) that there are a RANGE of possible reactions to things. In other words, that the choice isn't really between blowing up and doing nothing. There are a whole range of possibilities in between. Who knew? (Seriously, the first time he said it, it came as a complete surprise to me.)

So, for a start, maybe rather than being fake nice to the people who are really annoying you, you could mention to them that you're annoyed. (I believe that's actually allowed, although IT was kind of a novel concept too.) Then, rather than blowing up at your partner to relieve the stress, you could mention to him that you're feeling stressed, so he knows up front Then maybe do some of the kinds of things @JEKBreatheandBelieve mentioned. Personally, I often work out in those situations (if I can). Maybe go for a walk. My T rattled off a whole bunch of things along those lines that a person can do to "de-stress". You might also discuss this topic with your partner. He might have some good ideas and insights for you. (It would also clue him in that you really ARE concerned about this and wanting to improve.)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Anger, not being randomly transferred is a wonderful tool to alert ourselves that "something" must change as there is an misalignment to self. The trick is for me to acknowledge the anger and accept that I can choose as Solara states to work on lengthening the time to dissipate the feeling into pro-action not reaction.

Moving myself past acknowledgement of my alert (as not to incorrectly act out) and reviewing my anger through self introspection at a cooler time through method of choice (prayer, meditation, reflection, or therapy).

These tools can allow the cause and effect to become clearer and result in a positive change of self. Just as you are doing GWhizz!!! You appear to be connecting the dots to a true self and turning depression on the inside to getting it outside-anger! You are asking as well as exploring! Great work! :hug:

I have to go to an appointment and will check back but I think Susan Forward with the Dance of Anger helped me long ago. Not master it of course lol but not be falsely ashamed of the feeling. Guilt of a wrong choice of reaction if chosen is the place I start at.
Example- was my choice of action proactive and not destructive to others? What is my anger telling me and how can I change myself to realign to a healthier self?

 

[RussH]

@GWhizz I certainly empathize with you, and I am taking you at your word to be honest.

I want to ask you a question that I ask myself (My issue is not anger, but other things) The question I ask myself is; "is it really the PTSD and all the associated long-term effects of my abuse, or is my PTSD just an excuse to act this way? I cannot answer that question for you, only you can do that. I know for me, if the answer is an excuse, then I work at modifying my behavior. More on this later.

The other thing you can tell your partner. If you are anything like me, then you have a great deal of trouble letting others truly get to know you. Therefore, you put on this happy bubbly personna to protect yourself from them. Your partner, on the other hand, has the honor of getting to know the real you. You are not afraid to be honest in front of him, and as hard as that can be sometimes, with the anger etc, it really is you telling him that you trust him, and trusting someone, for you, is a really, really hard thing to do. It really is a way of you telling him you love him.

Now back to modifying behavior. I go to a church and we are doing some small group meeting is our homes. We are watching a video series, and the minister speaking brought up an excellent idea, that I think will help me. He said we are to predetermine our decisions.

To predetermine our decisions is to recognize that things are going to come up in life that we react to; for us, it's triggers.
He said to pre determine now, how you are going to act when those things come up, then when the situation comes up, act in the manner you predetermine.

I do realize that we cannot necessarily control our flashbacks (wouldn't it be nice if we could), but we may be able to mitigate the colateral damage from it. It may be something as simple as telling your partner :" I got triggered at work today and I am real edgy". Then perhaps you can pre decide on actions you can take that helps you deal with the flashback in a constructive manner: Taking a walk, a hot bath, going to the gym, whatever you can do to help restore some equalibirum to your life.

Again these are just suggestions. I know your circumatances are different than mine, and I truly hope I have not offended you, or in anyway distressed you by what I have written.

Blessings to you.

 

[Justmehere]

I run, I breathe, I do things to ground myself, I write letters and tear them up. I also find it's helpful to write lists of things in grateful for -- which sometimes is very basic, like I'm grateful to have any clothes to wear, shoes on my feet, and a forum like this to reach out too. Sometimes that helps shift the anger for a bit.

 

[Springer80]

I'm well able to put on a facade in work or with friends. But this is even harder on my partner as he questions why I seem so bubbly around others and yet snap over silly things with him.

Well your paid to be at work I imagine and you need the income. Christ, if all of us let rip at our work colleagues we'd be applying for another job every 6 months. I suspect he is exactly the same in that respect, assuming he works. Plus you don't really have emotional relationships with your colleagues, not really.

Even with friends you don't spill out your deepest emotions to them.

May I suggest swearing. It really helps to have a good curse. Unfortunately, you tend to have to say these things out loud and at or with someone. Perhaps if you see a therapist and they aren't of a delicate disposition you could give it some welly, with some choice vocabulary.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I took a anger management class when I was blowing up and taking it out on others inappropriately.

The class was mostly men court ordered to go to the class.

It helped me so much.

I am very proud of myself for how far I have come. I am learning that anger is a choice and a bad habit. I went through years of blowing my anger out of proportion.

I had a incident yesterday and I handled the situation very calmly and did not get into it and decided to be frank, but calm and I will fade this person out of my life.