D
Deleted member 28360
How do you talk to your Vet about boundaries without it becoming overwhelming? And what kind of boundaries did you set?
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D
Deleted member 28812
Why do you want to set boundaries?
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Sweetpea76
VIP Member
You have to decide what you will and will not tolerate. Then stick to it.
A big boundary that supporters talk about setting is with their sufferer's lashing-out type behavior. When the stress-cup overflows, supporters are usually the closest in proximity and deal with the brunt of this kind of reaction. It is not fair, and you should not have to deal with it. It will eventually break your spirit and make you feel like dirt.
When my vet lashes out at me, I simply say "I love you, but I will not talk to you while you are treating me this way.Call me when you calm down and want to actually talk." A lot of times I put my hand up in the "stop" gesture. Then I remove myself from the situation. No exceptions. I do this every single time he starts in on me in an angry or aggressive way. That is my boundary. I will not tolerate lashing out behavior. He can be angry and nasty all he wants, I just refuse to stand there and be a target. He will calm down, call me and apologize... then I go back and we have a much calmer discussion about what was bothering him.
This has done two things for our relationship. Firstly, we don't have a lot of arguments that get to the "earth shattering" level. We don't get to the point where we say things we can't take back, or that will take days to recover from. Secondly, he has learned that if he wants to discuss things with me that irritate him, he needs to cool his jets. He doesn't lash out nearly as much as he used to. He also knows that I recognize this as a PTSD thing and do not think he is a giant a-hole. When he is feeling well he is a very very nice person.
Setting a boundary is as much action as words. If you tell him that you can not tolerate a behavior, then you cannot tolerate it.
A big boundary that supporters talk about setting is with their sufferer's lashing-out type behavior. When the stress-cup overflows, supporters are usually the closest in proximity and deal with the brunt of this kind of reaction. It is not fair, and you should not have to deal with it. It will eventually break your spirit and make you feel like dirt.
When my vet lashes out at me, I simply say "I love you, but I will not talk to you while you are treating me this way.Call me when you calm down and want to actually talk." A lot of times I put my hand up in the "stop" gesture. Then I remove myself from the situation. No exceptions. I do this every single time he starts in on me in an angry or aggressive way. That is my boundary. I will not tolerate lashing out behavior. He can be angry and nasty all he wants, I just refuse to stand there and be a target. He will calm down, call me and apologize... then I go back and we have a much calmer discussion about what was bothering him.
This has done two things for our relationship. Firstly, we don't have a lot of arguments that get to the "earth shattering" level. We don't get to the point where we say things we can't take back, or that will take days to recover from. Secondly, he has learned that if he wants to discuss things with me that irritate him, he needs to cool his jets. He doesn't lash out nearly as much as he used to. He also knows that I recognize this as a PTSD thing and do not think he is a giant a-hole. When he is feeling well he is a very very nice person.
Setting a boundary is as much action as words. If you tell him that you can not tolerate a behavior, then you cannot tolerate it.
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- #4
D
Deleted member 28360
Not to control because that is not my style.
@Sweetpea76 thank for ready my mind!
His meds finally came, so he's in a better place now. Rude and nasty is an understatement at times. Work has consumed me and caring for him too that I slightly let myself go. I'm in shape and skinny but my gut started to show. A few days ago, he grabbed my belly and said this needs to go. I was shocked because he has never touched me in a negative way. I told him that hurt me physically and emotionally. Even the most secure, attractive woman is insecure about her body. I'm trying to move past this but I can't subdue my emotions of anger towards him.
@Sweetpea76 thank for ready my mind!
His meds finally came, so he's in a better place now. Rude and nasty is an understatement at times. Work has consumed me and caring for him too that I slightly let myself go. I'm in shape and skinny but my gut started to show. A few days ago, he grabbed my belly and said this needs to go. I was shocked because he has never touched me in a negative way. I told him that hurt me physically and emotionally. Even the most secure, attractive woman is insecure about her body. I'm trying to move past this but I can't subdue my emotions of anger towards him.
Ok - here is my usual speech on boundaries...
He is an adult. Therefore you cannot set boundaries for him. What are you going to do if he breaks them? Send him to the naughty corner?
So - the only adult you can set boundaries for is yourself. Therefore the boundary is not "You must not hit me.". Its not even "If you hit me I will leave you." The boundary is "if he hits me I must leave him."
By all means communicate your boundaries to him, but bear in mind they are your boundaries.
@Sweetpea76 expresses it beautifully - she doesn't say 'You must not treat me this way", instead she says "I will not talk to you when you treat me this way" and then she follows through and removes herself from the situation.
@Losinghope11 - I will never ever forget some of the nasty things my ex said to me about my body. No PTSD involved. He was just a jerk. Hugs if you accept them.
He is an adult. Therefore you cannot set boundaries for him. What are you going to do if he breaks them? Send him to the naughty corner?
So - the only adult you can set boundaries for is yourself. Therefore the boundary is not "You must not hit me.". Its not even "If you hit me I will leave you." The boundary is "if he hits me I must leave him."
By all means communicate your boundaries to him, but bear in mind they are your boundaries.
@Sweetpea76 expresses it beautifully - she doesn't say 'You must not treat me this way", instead she says "I will not talk to you when you treat me this way" and then she follows through and removes herself from the situation.
@Losinghope11 - I will never ever forget some of the nasty things my ex said to me about my body. No PTSD involved. He was just a jerk. Hugs if you accept them.
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- #6
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Oh HELLLL naw!! I'm glad you stood up for yourself and told him that he hurt your feelings.
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- #7
D
Deleted member 1860
Oh HELLS NO! This isn't PTSD. This is a grade-A JERK!
If he doesn't like you unless you are a stick and "perfect", I'd rethink this one. Everyone gets old and things start to go south on our bodies. What's he going to do when the inevitable happens? Trade you in for a younger model?
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