How does one cry?

[Still Standing]

I know, the title can be understood and answered in a tongue-in-cheek response. But, I am being serious. My doc keeps asking me if I have cried yet. The most I can do is "leak" a little, enough to sniffle and dry my eyes. I have swallowed tears for most of my life and to let them flow freely is intimidating. And in a weird way, crying is a sign of weakness...not for others...but for me. To cry would give the power back to my abusers. I had to read another trauma account out loud today and had to stop a couple of times to control myself. To just let the sorrow and agony spill out in tears is an overwhelming thought. And I am highly embarrassed to cry in front of the doc. It seems surreal to "see" and feel the angst of being a grade school girl but know you are sitting on the couch in the Doc's office and you are actually, currently, a grandparent. That school girl has been long gone by many, many years. How have some of you guys broken down the barrier in your heart and learned to cry?

 

[Lionheart]

Allowing myself to cry in therapy with a trusted therapist, a little at a time, eventually led to a stream of tears.

Still, it was very cleansing and healing and not at all overwhelming as it seemed it would be. I know when my feelings first began to come to the surface it seemed like if I started crying, I would cry forever, but it was not that way...

Now, I did cry everyday, on and off for a couple weeks, but as I said it was very healing and I felt better. It takes a lot of energy to suppress emotions and crying freed me from that burden.

While reading accounts of abuse events to my "t", I began to have sadness and compassion for myself and at first all I could do was to "leak", but as I continued the tears came more often and I lost the urge to fight against it.

This is how it was for me, and I can't say what will help you, but this is my experience which is all I really have to share. I hope you find that it is not so bad once you allow yourself to cry openly. For me, I had to trust that I was in a safe place with someone who cared.

I hope you are able to find peace and comfort thru the tears that may come as you continue to heal!!!

Lion

 

[Friday]

How have some of you guys broken down the barrier in your heart and learned to cry?

I don’t. As a rule. I hate crying.

I understand that for some people crying is cathartic, relieving, even enjoyable. For me, it’s not. All crying does is make everything worse. Everything defined as : physically, mentally, emotionally, & financially.

 

[Freida]

I cried for the first time in 3 years at my counseling appointment. Not alot, but more than the leaky eyes which is the best I can usually do. My T tried not to show how happy she was. She believes that learning to cry will put me back in touch with my emotions, which will lessen my symptoms. I didn't feel any different afterwards but I think I'm more along the view that @Friday has -- it just makes you feel worse.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I'm a very private person and usually don't express my emotions with another person. The only person I've been emotional with is my husband when we lost our two last dogs on Christmas Day 2012 and May 7 2017. That's a first for me. Before that I didn't even cry with him about losing two other dogs. I cried a lot by myself for our two dogs as well.

The first time I entered therapy in 1977 my T asked me how was my childhood. I started crying and didn't stop crying while in her office for the next three weeks and three times a week. I haven't cried like that since then.

Maybe I'll be able to cry with my new T. Don't know.

 

[Still Standing]

Congruency, I really relate to your sorrow over your precious dogs. Years ago, I had a cat (and a dog) that did not leave my side when I was partially paralyzed and in bed. He laid at my feet, all day. He and the dog seemed to know that I was in pain and in distress. After the back surgery and I was up and about, the cat went into distress and acted like he had pneumonia. We rushed him to the vet. Long story short, the cat had a malformed heart and I had to put him to sleep. I cried, heavily, over his passing. There were times I would be simply sitting and crocheting and suddenly be convulsed in tears. It was so foreign!!! I could not control the grief. I felt like I had failed him, especially since he was my comfort in my medical trauma. With him, I couldn't even offer him medication to prolong his life. The sobbing episodes were so bad, the family dubbed them, Dead Cat Syndrome...DCS. Up to that point, I did not know what it meant to mourn over a loss and express it with tears. It was a huge shock to not be able to control my emotions. I had never lost control before. It was a very uncomfortable and insecure experience. That was the last time, I have cried. I didn't even "leak" at my parent's funerals. The tear-cork was firmly in place and remains so, today. If only I could somehow transfer this feeling of loss and grief into the trauma events I have to read. Don't know how to do that.

 

[cinderellafaye]

I cannot cry for myself. I can cry for others, but cannot, for the life of me cry for myself. My father hated crying and the after effects of it. So, I learned not to cry. Sometimes, I think it would do me some good to cry.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I have no idea how you all have managed to never cry. IN fact I've tried at times so hard not to cry that I am almost certain its simply a natural bodily function that occurs with great sorrow or pain. However, most manly way to cry is to keep a straight face an let the tears roll down your cheek while staring intently plotting revenge. At least that's what I thought when I watched that one Jet Li movie.

 

[Emotional girl]

I am the complete opposite in that I cry a lot,normally I will cry in the bath or at night time before I fall to sleep.For me crying is my way of processing how I am feeling and is a good way to try and get some negativity out of my system.I would say that everybody learns deal with trauma in different ways and there is no right or wrong way ,it is whatever you feel comfortable with.

 

[mumstheword]

I cry most days and I don't believe I'm not a strong person. Each to ones own though.

I also dance, sing, write poetry, draw, do yoga ...all these things help me process my trauma and rise, triumphant, from the ashes, just to mention some key practises.

I've never been one to pop pills much, because I used to feel so chronically numb and so close to serious suicidality and or psychosis and I've been controlled in so many ways with powerful mind-altering drugs and abused in so many ways while drugged, I got too frightened to use them, so crying, for me, is just natures way of dumping out extreme stress hormones and killing seriously harmful emotion pain.

It's a release that my body effortlessly repeats, time after time, day after day.

I was at a memorial for a dear friend who just killed himself, the other day, and I was probably one of the cryiest people there. No one held it against me though. I also sang the loudest and spoke touching words about what he meant to me in a cry-broken voice.

I guess what I'm getting at, is, that I think, thinking crying is weak? Is a cultural construct, not a biological or psychological truth. I never have had to try to cry, it just happens as a natural thing, so I don't think you can will yourself to cry, anymore than.you can will attraction or true belly-splitting, joyous laughter, it just happens when you decompress the oppressed and fearful "civilized" adult and let the primal be, no judgement. It's thawing out the frozen numbness so feeling joy and spontaneous, artful expression can arise and heal, IMO.
I feel like I'm sounding like a total, annoying, up-myself know-it-all, but I'm not trying to. Sorry if this sounds pompous or defensive. I'm just a very cryee person but I don't think.I'm a woos.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

It definitely is a cultural construct to the max. Damn near everything is.
Hard work! No crying! Tolerance! Except for your guns! f*cker! Muahahahah!

To me I think its the pills, and it reminds me of that movie Equilibrium where its this dystopian society masqueraded as a utopia where everyone has to take their daily pill to cut off all natural human emotion in order to conform to the system. An I'm the guy who knows gun-fu. Haha jk. With the amount of culturally and politically correct marches going on with mind controlled herds of people I wouldn't say that movies plot is so far off in the future. I'd give it another 10 years max. We'll be there too. Don't say this, Can't do that. Take this pill. Emotion is weakness. Etc so forth.

After all generations are brought up indoctrinated with the latest cultural shift implanted in them from kindergarten on up to be social justice warriors of peace and unwitting tools of the government agenda. But I digress.