Relationship How Long Do I Wait? So Many Questions

[sdc]

Like the majority of people on here, things were going very well with my boyfriend and then in a couple of days I watched his personality completely change. I knew he had ptsd but that was the first time I had experienced it for myself. He would tell me about not sleeping and having nightmares but otherwise seemed to be doing okay (we are in a long distance relationship). Suddenly everything I said would make him very angry and then I just stopped hearing from him. I knew that he was withdrawing and I knew that he needed some time alone. Occasionally I will send him a text telling him that I support him and am here for him so he knows I haven't given up. But I haven't heard from him now in 5 1/2 months. I know there is no "normal" time frame but is it "normal" for an episode of withdrawal to last 6 months or more? It's very difficult to have a relationship with someone you talk to once or twice a year.

How long do I wait? Is it wrong of me to ask him to check in with me every couple of weeks? How do I approach any of this without angering him? Am I being selfish?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!

 

[Glara]

In my case when he withdraws he still sends texts. The most it's ever been with no contact at all is 3 days. When he is withdrawing he will send something short like, hey. When we dated when we we're young it would be months. Actually I didn't hear from him in over a year and one day he showed up at my door. He didn't know he had PTSD back then. That was over 25 years ago. We reconnected through social media about 7 years ago and took it to the next level about 9 months ago. He's been in therapy for 4 years. When we were young neither of us had a car. I lived in a tourist area which is how we met. I don't think either of us expected it to go very far but I guess we also like each other a lot. What I'm saying is, I think with therapy and age he may have learned some skills that keep him communicating even when he doesn't want to. Skills he didn't have when we were young. Luckily I just assumed it was the distance so I never got hurt by it when he withdrew back then. Is your sufferer in therapy?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Find him and hug him. It might save him, a single hug from the one you trust and everything can mean so much. I won't see my only true supporter for 3 days, but she kissed me, hugged me and we talked, and that made me feel better. Don't let him lose to isolation, sometimes we just need a bit of actually doing.

I can only imagine where I would be now if she didn't jump in to help me, to be with me with a fast approach.

He might be scared that you abandoned him, that hes not good enough for you. Compliment him, hug him, show him that he is good. Contact him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly, If a sufferer can't ask for space and be willing to check in every so often, I don't think the sufferer is ready for a relationship. If he hasn't talked to you in 5 1/2 months, I'd say it was over at least 4 months ago. I'm curious as to why you've held on for so long? Don't you think you deserve better? Yes, I realize PTSD is at play, but at the same time, a sufferer needs to be a certain point in healing in order to be in a relationship. I hate to say this, but my guess is that everything was going along peachy-keen. The PTSD surfaced and his stress cup overflowed. He decided that it was too much for him, and that was that. Some guys are just assholes and won't tell you when its over. The last guy I was seeing....well, one day he just decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Was he a gentleman who kindly let me know? Hells-no! After 4 days I finally left him a message begging him to just let me know if it was over because I needed closure. It wasn't until then that he decided to FINALLY do the right thing and let me down gently. So I'm thinking its PTSD + guy who can't deal with confrontation and walks away without a word. I think if you contacted him now he would probably be a bit surprised that you've held on this long. No, "episodes" don't usually last 6 months, and sad to say, your relationship was probably over a long time ago.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think I'm in agreement with solara , that's a long time for an episode. When I have mine they generally last a few days three to four at max. But my husband although we are separated will always touch base via messages or phone calls on a daily basis to see if I'm ok and if I don't reply to my messages because I go into isolation and switch off from the world hel come round to the house and stay until I'm back to my usual self. Not sure how distant relationships work because never experienced this but I'm presuming it's quiet difficult and adding to that someone who had PTSD I can only imagine that it wod be quiet challenging to say the least . I think he should have touched base with you if he felt that you meant a lot to him. Sorry if it's come across harsh. Good luck, let's hope he's safe and hopefully hel be in touch. I wouldn't wait forever though.

 

[Random girl]

Mine ex did that a lot...he would rush off in a storm and i wouldn't hear from him for a while, but it's not ok and the ptsd should not be an excuse. I tried and tried everything to break this habit, but no matter how many times they say they can 'control there emotions' when the time comes they can't and it WILL happen again. You have to be a very very thick skinned and patient person to handle this type of life style. It's going to be amazing at it's highs but once it goes down its BAD. I couldn't handle it and i love him with all my heart, but my personality is very caring and a talker two things someone with ptsd doesn't not like because that means you won't be able to let them 'isolate' for however long they want too. Hang in there..and best of luck ...i know i need it :-/

 

[sdc]

Here I thought I was being this loving supportive person who was giving him needed space and it turns out I was just a fool.

 

[nursenurse]

You are never a fool for trying, but here is the thing. If you had a non sufferer, how long would you wait? I would bet my sweet bippy five months would not be your answer. Same thing applies in this situation. Now he may crawl out of the woodwork later, and that has happened to many folks here. Move on, create your own life and do not look back and open up old wounds by going back. Trust is easily shattered in a moment, never mind the five months you have been suffering yourself. Let him "get it" with someone else. It is all a learning experience, so take what you can, do not be too hard on yourself, but protect your own heart in each and every relationship from here on. Love yourself first.

 

[Glara]

1. I agree with nursenurse. You are not a fool, you are a loving and supportive person. My sufferer showed up on my doorstep over a year after no contact. I didn't take him back. It's different now 25 years later. But even today if he went 5 months with no contact of be done. I'd be heartbroken, but for me that would be too much. And to be honest, I do fear that will happen. In your case he may pop back in at some point, I'd be willing to bet on it, but really, how long can you handle that? Please know, you are NOT a fool. You just opened your heart to someone.

 

[Random Girl]

You are not a fool! Trust me i'm in the same boat...we even divorced and even after that he came back for another chance and because we love them we are ok with that. Some people may call us a fool for still allowing it, but our hearts are soft. It really sucks though...we try SO hard to make it work, but it's really not in our court. We can only pray they will do what it takes to help us deal with there ptsd and most don't. They just run away because i think that's what they know and it's easy for them. I can't just be in a casual relationship waiting around for him ...i want someone committed and stable and it just so happens that i fell in love with someone who isn't :'/