I'm in my mid 30's and my girlfriend of over a year has PTSD resulting from her previous marriage. She sees a social worker and has for a couple of years. She and I are in the mental health field and I had PTSD when I was younger (late teens) but have sorted through my issues. Her PTSD reactions occur on a weekly basis and while she is seeing a social worker and the reactions have improved slightly, dealing with them is exhausting and time consuming (they typically last several hours and consist of her yelling at me, calling me names, etc.). I work full-time and am working on my graduate studies full-time. She also has required me to spend the night 4 nights a week. I'm debating bailing. I feel worn out mentally, physically, and emotionally. Frankly this feels like the easy way out and that I have some obligation to give it more time. Also I feel it would further contribute to her issues regarding abandonment. While I could see myself with her without the PTSD, I could not deal with this for the rest of my life. She is refusing to do couples counseling, claiming it would do more harm than good. Thoughts?
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Relationship How Long Should I Stick It Out For?
- Post starter Psychs
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Ultimately, the only one who knows when the right time is to leave, is you.
I'd suggest that seeing a social worker is probably not enough in order to deal with PTSD. She should really be seeing someone who specialises in PTSD - a psychiatrist would probably be the wisest move so that medication can be discussed if it's appropriate.
Couples counselling may be a good idea, but whether some counselling for her (with someone appropriately qualified) needs to come first for a little bit or not, is another question. Personally I think that couples counselling would be beneficial - it certainly shouldn't cause any harm.
Have you come across the book 'The PTSD Relationship'? I seem to be forever recommending it on here :) Needless to say, I think it's a good read.
I can understand your exhaustion - on all levels. I really think that in order to get through this time (if you choose to do so), that you consider seeing someone yourself who can give you the support that you need. Having the right support for yourself is absolutely crucial.
I'd suggest that seeing a social worker is probably not enough in order to deal with PTSD. She should really be seeing someone who specialises in PTSD - a psychiatrist would probably be the wisest move so that medication can be discussed if it's appropriate.
Couples counselling may be a good idea, but whether some counselling for her (with someone appropriately qualified) needs to come first for a little bit or not, is another question. Personally I think that couples counselling would be beneficial - it certainly shouldn't cause any harm.
Have you come across the book 'The PTSD Relationship'? I seem to be forever recommending it on here :) Needless to say, I think it's a good read.
I can understand your exhaustion - on all levels. I really think that in order to get through this time (if you choose to do so), that you consider seeing someone yourself who can give you the support that you need. Having the right support for yourself is absolutely crucial.
- Post starter
- #3
I have suggested that she see someone with more training than a social worker, but she will not. She also isn't fond of the idea of medication and is still struggles with the fact that she has PTSD.
With regards to couples counseling, she sees the issues as minor and not something with which we should need to involve a third party. She also noted that she doesn't want to be with someone who needs to involve someone else for minor issues, instead of addressing them on their own within the relationship. She specifically noted that they make you fight to see how you fight with each other (I tend to placate and avoid the fight, but it still continues for at least an hour on average). She was through couples counseling with her ex-husband who was Borderline and had multiple affairs and suicide attempts.
I returned to my old psych from when I had PTSD, more recently. While some basic things were addressed, it seems to be me more venting now than working on anything in particular within myself, so I have discontinued until/should relevant issues once again arise. I was neglecting me, but have done more of the self-care that I need over the last few months.
I'll look into the book. Thanks!
It's amazing how every issue becomes something that I have done. The question is how long can this last with the level of intervention currently in place (2-3x/month). While I'm a strong person, the verbal abuse, bullying, and treats to breakup (at least 1x/wk) are things I can only deal with for so long. I have as of yet to reach my breaking point.
Friends, both in the mental health field and not, have said to run far and fast, which makes me wonder if I'm foolish for staying...
With regards to couples counseling, she sees the issues as minor and not something with which we should need to involve a third party. She also noted that she doesn't want to be with someone who needs to involve someone else for minor issues, instead of addressing them on their own within the relationship. She specifically noted that they make you fight to see how you fight with each other (I tend to placate and avoid the fight, but it still continues for at least an hour on average). She was through couples counseling with her ex-husband who was Borderline and had multiple affairs and suicide attempts.
I returned to my old psych from when I had PTSD, more recently. While some basic things were addressed, it seems to be me more venting now than working on anything in particular within myself, so I have discontinued until/should relevant issues once again arise. I was neglecting me, but have done more of the self-care that I need over the last few months.
I'll look into the book. Thanks!
It's amazing how every issue becomes something that I have done. The question is how long can this last with the level of intervention currently in place (2-3x/month). While I'm a strong person, the verbal abuse, bullying, and treats to breakup (at least 1x/wk) are things I can only deal with for so long. I have as of yet to reach my breaking point.
Friends, both in the mental health field and not, have said to run far and fast, which makes me wonder if I'm foolish for staying...
Phoenix_Rising
Platinum Member
I am a person with PTSD, and have been with my partner for 8 years. Granted, I've been doing this for awhile (15 years now of therapy), but I don't consider calling names and yelling appropriate behaviour, PTSD or not. (Though, I'm actually on the receiving end of that occasionally when my SO gets triggered, even though he is not the one with PTSD. But he does also take responsibility for that behaviour when it occurs.) If she can't control that, she needs more help than she is getting. I also don't expect my partner to be more than a partner--you have emotional needs as well, and you're human. An important distinction here is that she not only recognizes her issues, but realizes her healing is her responsibility. Yours is supporting her. But you can't be responsible for everything (like being "required" to be there 4 nights a week, just my opinion, but I feel that should be something done because two people want to be together, not out of a sense of obligation).
Having said that, yes, you bailing would probably exacerbate her existing issues, so it is not a decision to be made lightly.
I'm saying that as a person who was the one left--it just about destroyed me. What caused him to leave? 1 session of couples therapy, which I did not think was a good idea, I also felt it would only make things worse. He assured me that it would help us, that it would make things better. I tried to tell myself that it would end up being better than I feared, despite my anxiety. It was worse, and incredibly traumatic for both of us. It brought out a lot of pent up emotion in me (not anger, hurt).
We eventually got back together (we had been together for 7 years by then) and he discovered I was the only one he wanted to be with, that he loved me for who I was, and that he had been unfair in his judgements of me and not appreciating enough what I did bring to the relationship. My PTSD has made me a very compassionate and empathetic person. I loved him through good times and bad, and helped to raise his children in spite of chronic pain and my emotional issues. His family was very critical of me, and he came to realize that those things were not true. Are there characteristics in her that you value, that she has gained as a result of her trauma background? Are you judgemental of her not "sorting through her issues" because you were able to? Are you spending more time focusing on what's "wrong" with her, than her good qualities? Do you feel she is working hard on her recovery, and motivated to heal? (These are just questions to ask yourself, I'm not criticizing or assuming anything). Can you love her even if these issues get better over time (and she is treating you appropriately) but the PTSD never goes away? I had an abusive relationship with an ex that was 15 years ago and still strongly affects me. Some traumas are easier to overcome than others. How much is what you have going on on your plate--which sounds very full--affecting things? I guess what I am trying to say here is that even in a relationship with a person with PTSD, you are still bringing your own "issues" to the table. You may be tired, or stressed, or feel like it's all too much. But is that all her, or the rest of your life, too? It's a matter of balance. You could decide she is the straw that broke the camel's back. Or you could try and figure out what you need, and try to balance it with what she needs. It's not simple... But then, even relationships without PTSD are hard work.
I hope nothing I wrote is offensive to you... I'm just trying to give you an idea what it's like to be the other person--it was a horrible feeling to have given someone everything I was, everything I had, and to be told that all that meant nothing, that all that & my work on myself weren't good enough... And all because we went to couples counselling. I'm not saying that will happen to you, it might not, but sometimes there is a good reason for feeling it will do more harm than good. There was no talk, or plans, to end our relationship before that appointment. I would never, ever go to couples counselling again. He knows that, and completely understands my feeling on the matter. It *will* bring up a lot of emotion most likely. That is not always a good thing--it's better to deal with that sort of thing in 1 on 1 therapy than to have it spilling out in a torrent if things are already in any way strained. It really, really hurt my partner, and it definitely hurt me.
Having said that, I don't think realistically you can be yelled at or called names indefinitely either, if this is occurring on a regular basis, and I think she needs to understand that, if she doesn't already. Maybe you can both try to come up with a plan of some sort between you for coping with her triggers. Ideally, you have one for the two of you as a couple, but she also has to learn to cope with them for her own sake, whether you are there or not.
Anyway, if I said anything here offensive, I apologize, I'm not exactly at my best right now. Hopefully it will give you some things to think about and consider. If she loves you, she will do what it takes to make things work, and vice versa. I think the only time a relationship is doomed is when either person just doesn't care enough, or have the desire to grow & change, and that applies whether you have PTSD or not.
Having said that, yes, you bailing would probably exacerbate her existing issues, so it is not a decision to be made lightly.
I'm saying that as a person who was the one left--it just about destroyed me. What caused him to leave? 1 session of couples therapy, which I did not think was a good idea, I also felt it would only make things worse. He assured me that it would help us, that it would make things better. I tried to tell myself that it would end up being better than I feared, despite my anxiety. It was worse, and incredibly traumatic for both of us. It brought out a lot of pent up emotion in me (not anger, hurt).
We eventually got back together (we had been together for 7 years by then) and he discovered I was the only one he wanted to be with, that he loved me for who I was, and that he had been unfair in his judgements of me and not appreciating enough what I did bring to the relationship. My PTSD has made me a very compassionate and empathetic person. I loved him through good times and bad, and helped to raise his children in spite of chronic pain and my emotional issues. His family was very critical of me, and he came to realize that those things were not true. Are there characteristics in her that you value, that she has gained as a result of her trauma background? Are you judgemental of her not "sorting through her issues" because you were able to? Are you spending more time focusing on what's "wrong" with her, than her good qualities? Do you feel she is working hard on her recovery, and motivated to heal? (These are just questions to ask yourself, I'm not criticizing or assuming anything). Can you love her even if these issues get better over time (and she is treating you appropriately) but the PTSD never goes away? I had an abusive relationship with an ex that was 15 years ago and still strongly affects me. Some traumas are easier to overcome than others. How much is what you have going on on your plate--which sounds very full--affecting things? I guess what I am trying to say here is that even in a relationship with a person with PTSD, you are still bringing your own "issues" to the table. You may be tired, or stressed, or feel like it's all too much. But is that all her, or the rest of your life, too? It's a matter of balance. You could decide she is the straw that broke the camel's back. Or you could try and figure out what you need, and try to balance it with what she needs. It's not simple... But then, even relationships without PTSD are hard work.
I hope nothing I wrote is offensive to you... I'm just trying to give you an idea what it's like to be the other person--it was a horrible feeling to have given someone everything I was, everything I had, and to be told that all that meant nothing, that all that & my work on myself weren't good enough... And all because we went to couples counselling. I'm not saying that will happen to you, it might not, but sometimes there is a good reason for feeling it will do more harm than good. There was no talk, or plans, to end our relationship before that appointment. I would never, ever go to couples counselling again. He knows that, and completely understands my feeling on the matter. It *will* bring up a lot of emotion most likely. That is not always a good thing--it's better to deal with that sort of thing in 1 on 1 therapy than to have it spilling out in a torrent if things are already in any way strained. It really, really hurt my partner, and it definitely hurt me.
Having said that, I don't think realistically you can be yelled at or called names indefinitely either, if this is occurring on a regular basis, and I think she needs to understand that, if she doesn't already. Maybe you can both try to come up with a plan of some sort between you for coping with her triggers. Ideally, you have one for the two of you as a couple, but she also has to learn to cope with them for her own sake, whether you are there or not.
Anyway, if I said anything here offensive, I apologize, I'm not exactly at my best right now. Hopefully it will give you some things to think about and consider. If she loves you, she will do what it takes to make things work, and vice versa. I think the only time a relationship is doomed is when either person just doesn't care enough, or have the desire to grow & change, and that applies whether you have PTSD or not.
Phoenix_Rising
Platinum Member
I just read your last post, and have to say I've been on the receiving end of those threats and verbal abuse, too.
I am sorry, and I am sorry that it sounds like she does not seem willing to get the help she needs. But, there are lots of people out there (me included) that struggle with these same issues, and this is a good place to get support for that. Your self care sounds like a healthy way of dealing with things right now.
I hope that she is willing to meet you half-way on this... Sounds like she is lucky to have someone like you in her life. I know I feel that way about my partner--even if it's not perfect.
I am sorry, and I am sorry that it sounds like she does not seem willing to get the help she needs. But, there are lots of people out there (me included) that struggle with these same issues, and this is a good place to get support for that. Your self care sounds like a healthy way of dealing with things right now.
I hope that she is willing to meet you half-way on this... Sounds like she is lucky to have someone like you in her life. I know I feel that way about my partner--even if it's not perfect.
Hi Psychs,
There are some wise words here.
I have PTSD and I would definitely say that a social worker is absolutely not qualified to deal with PTSD.
I'm not sure what country you're in but if you're in the UK she needs to get to see her GP. They will refer her to the local CMHT and she will get a psychologist and a psychiatrist to investigate the best course of treatment.
In my case, a psychologist, but that's not always the case
I also couldn't see anything wrong with what I was doing but how wrong I was. I couldn't see any pattern and didn't seek help for 30 years. Since seeking help I have also seen that my wife is also suffering with PTSD but has never sought treatment. Unfortunately, it broke our marriage.
I see things in your story that I have done but also things that my wife did. It was like a upward spiral of my PTSD triggering hers which would then trigger mine and so on. You say that you had PTSD but it was sorted. Her PTSD will almost certainly impact on yours whether it was sorted or not.
It's a hard thing to deal with but in my opinion, the hardest thing to do is to go and get the help in the first place. You don't say what it was about the previous marriage that has caused PTSD. Is she diagnosed?
There are some wise words here.
I have PTSD and I would definitely say that a social worker is absolutely not qualified to deal with PTSD.
I'm not sure what country you're in but if you're in the UK she needs to get to see her GP. They will refer her to the local CMHT and she will get a psychologist and a psychiatrist to investigate the best course of treatment.
In my case, a psychologist, but that's not always the case
I also couldn't see anything wrong with what I was doing but how wrong I was. I couldn't see any pattern and didn't seek help for 30 years. Since seeking help I have also seen that my wife is also suffering with PTSD but has never sought treatment. Unfortunately, it broke our marriage.
I see things in your story that I have done but also things that my wife did. It was like a upward spiral of my PTSD triggering hers which would then trigger mine and so on. You say that you had PTSD but it was sorted. Her PTSD will almost certainly impact on yours whether it was sorted or not.
It's a hard thing to deal with but in my opinion, the hardest thing to do is to go and get the help in the first place. You don't say what it was about the previous marriage that has caused PTSD. Is she diagnosed?
Sick of Fear
Bronze Member
My husband was in your situation for about the first year of our relationship. I didn't call him names, but I did have unrealistic expectations of him. I went to a psychologist that worked wonders for me. She had me attend a week long cognitive behavior group. I learned so much from that because it taught me to catch myself when I was thinking irrationally. Additionally, she had me go to relaxation therapy, which helped with the anxiety. I am also on Zoloft and anti anxiety medication. I'm not saying things are perfect for us or that I'm "cured", but it definitely did help. We will be married for 4 years in June.
She needs to take responsibility for getting the help she truly needs, and also accountability for the way she treats you. Just as she isn't deserve what happened to her, you don't deserve to be abused.
There is hope for your relationship, but it will take work and lots of it. If I were in your position, I'd give her an ultimatum: either she gets appropriate help she needs or you will leave because you can't be mistreated like that. (Not telling you what to do, just saying what I would do). She has to want the help, and if she truly values your relationship, the thought of losing you may make her want it. Best wishes.
She needs to take responsibility for getting the help she truly needs, and also accountability for the way she treats you. Just as she isn't deserve what happened to her, you don't deserve to be abused.
There is hope for your relationship, but it will take work and lots of it. If I were in your position, I'd give her an ultimatum: either she gets appropriate help she needs or you will leave because you can't be mistreated like that. (Not telling you what to do, just saying what I would do). She has to want the help, and if she truly values your relationship, the thought of losing you may make her want it. Best wishes.
I think that some things can be excused by PTSD, but certainly not all. I certainly don't think it's ok for you to be bullied or verbally abused and to have threats made against you. She really needs to take responsibility for this behaviour, but it sounds as though she isn't prepared to if she won't seek the help that she needs.
Unfortunately an old saying comes to mind "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". As much as you can make your partner aware of the services available to her that will help her with her PTSD, if she isn't prepared to accept them, then your hands really are tied. She needs to want the help for herself, and only she can take herself to that place ultimately.
I'm glad that in recent times you've stepped up your own level of self-care, and that you will see your psychologist as/when things present themselves. This is vital for you.
There are some interesting threads on the forum about setting boundaries. Have you read any of those? They may be quite useful for you as it sounds as though you would benefit from setting a few, as your partner does need to get the message, loud and clear, that abusing you the way she is, is not ok.
Unfortunately an old saying comes to mind "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". As much as you can make your partner aware of the services available to her that will help her with her PTSD, if she isn't prepared to accept them, then your hands really are tied. She needs to want the help for herself, and only she can take herself to that place ultimately.
I'm glad that in recent times you've stepped up your own level of self-care, and that you will see your psychologist as/when things present themselves. This is vital for you.
There are some interesting threads on the forum about setting boundaries. Have you read any of those? They may be quite useful for you as it sounds as though you would benefit from setting a few, as your partner does need to get the message, loud and clear, that abusing you the way she is, is not ok.
- Post starter
- #9
Thanks for all of the replies. Pardon the disjointedness of this reply, but I'm attempting to reply to a few responses. I am very open to advice and different perspectives so I don't take anything to be offensive.
The unrealistic expectations are what frustrates me. She freaks out if she can't tell where I am based on the iPhone find friends app. She takes anything that is said as a promise and any suggestion/discussion of doing otherwise as breaking the promise (e.g., Saying I will come over to her place in the afternoon when I come down on weekends. Then months later when I have to run a few errands that will get me by there at 5 instead, she freaks out. Apparently 4 is the afternoon, but beyond that is breaking the promise.)
I have other activities I do as well as a volunteer and am generally very active. Both of those eat up some time. I could easily handle everything, but I don't feel she is willing to recognize the amount that I have on my plate. The time taken by the fighting makes my time with her less than pleasant and eats up time I need to be using to read for school.
My PTSD issues that have come up are me shutting down and becoming quiet when being yelled at and not being able to think clearly due to the stress. Being as she is in the same profession as her therapist, she takes my suggestion at someone better trained as an affront to her own job choice.
The boundaries I have attempted to set have been ignored or she has had a way to bully me into eventually agreeing with her stance and saying I'm wrong. She excuses it as being due to the reaction. I have pointed out that reaction or not it has a negative impact upon me. She has started to apologize at times, but the fact that it keeps happening gives that little weight.
I'm in the US so it's a bit of a different healthcare system. Part of me feels a strong desire not to let her down by ending things as I'm a people pleaser based on what I grew up with. I don't like confrontation and I would prefer peace to fighting. At a point I question what I'm really getting out of the relationship as it seems to be causing me more stress than anything else. She has specifically told me that she does not trust me because of the "lies" (an example of which I provided earlier). She is not very understanding of any change of plans.
The unrealistic expectations are what frustrates me. She freaks out if she can't tell where I am based on the iPhone find friends app. She takes anything that is said as a promise and any suggestion/discussion of doing otherwise as breaking the promise (e.g., Saying I will come over to her place in the afternoon when I come down on weekends. Then months later when I have to run a few errands that will get me by there at 5 instead, she freaks out. Apparently 4 is the afternoon, but beyond that is breaking the promise.)
I have other activities I do as well as a volunteer and am generally very active. Both of those eat up some time. I could easily handle everything, but I don't feel she is willing to recognize the amount that I have on my plate. The time taken by the fighting makes my time with her less than pleasant and eats up time I need to be using to read for school.
My PTSD issues that have come up are me shutting down and becoming quiet when being yelled at and not being able to think clearly due to the stress. Being as she is in the same profession as her therapist, she takes my suggestion at someone better trained as an affront to her own job choice.
The boundaries I have attempted to set have been ignored or she has had a way to bully me into eventually agreeing with her stance and saying I'm wrong. She excuses it as being due to the reaction. I have pointed out that reaction or not it has a negative impact upon me. She has started to apologize at times, but the fact that it keeps happening gives that little weight.
I'm in the US so it's a bit of a different healthcare system. Part of me feels a strong desire not to let her down by ending things as I'm a people pleaser based on what I grew up with. I don't like confrontation and I would prefer peace to fighting. At a point I question what I'm really getting out of the relationship as it seems to be causing me more stress than anything else. She has specifically told me that she does not trust me because of the "lies" (an example of which I provided earlier). She is not very understanding of any change of plans.
- Post starter
- #10
ms spock
VIP Member
Yes getting yourself help is really important.
If she won't see psychriatrist and get real help then she probably won't get better. So that is something to consider. I work really hard on my PTSD, seeing a psychriatrist, exercising and doing all the right things. It is still a challenge. If someone is not willing to do the work then I don't see how things could get better.
ms spock
VIP Member
I have PTSD reactions but I do not yell at people, call them names or etc - that is abusive behaviour as far as I am concerned.
I would suggest that she is not wanting to go to couples counselling so she can continue her abusive behaviours.
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