How Much Of Your Past Does Your Partner Needs To Know....?

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I very openly shared my experiences with my husband, but, not until we'd been dating for nearly 4 years, and it was clear to see we were going to be together a long while. After 5 years he asked me to marry him and we're still hanging in there fifteen years later. I didn't feel it was necessary up until then as I felt I was handling myself well at the time, we didn't live together, and we only saw each other occasionally due to our crazy schedules.

Much of how I respond to people and situations is a direct result of learned behaviors forced upon me in dealing with some of my most unpleasant and tragic experiences and I felt deeply led to share. Especially knowing I was also about to become a f/t stepmom to his children from his first marriage and would soon be dealing with the stress of all those huge changes about to take place. Homey doesn't handle change very well.

It felt like self-care while I was processing it and deciding whether or not to share it with him. I couldn't figure out how to healthily hide decades of such shitty experiences for the rest of my life, although I'd been spending much energy doing so up until then. He'd never lived in environments I had or been exposed to much of what I lived, so it could easily have gone either way. Opposites most definitely attracted in our case. It felt good to finally have it out on the table and still be loved and accepted. I wasn't used to that.

Knowing I'd eventually end up in deep depressive ditches, in several types of emotional turmoil, and/or in the middle of a full-blown meltdown left all alone in trying to explain things later with an even larger audience, especially after already committing via legal means that aren't easy to get back out of, just didn't jive well in my head and heart. I think it would drive me crazy to always wonder "what if", even though it already seems to be my brain's default setting, regardless the subject. lol

 

[The Albatross]

My partners all, lovers or husbands (2) or boyfriends knew all of it. I did that for a reason. Sort of an "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" sort of thing. You'd be surprised how many decent men can respond well, very few for me did not.

It depended on the degree of real intimacy, genuine caring and whether or not they wanted to take it another step... I seldom did... so they sort of ran the gauntlet looking back it was a test of sorts... they though tested me as well.

 

[Abigail7]

Do you have flashbacks during sex? I think that if you do, he is in the "need to know" camp as he will not understand what's going on if you start having flashbacks during sex. I quite frequently have flashbacks during sex so intimate partners of mine know so that they aren't blindsided. Of course I only have flashbacks when there's an emotional connection so I don't share this info with those I only have casual encounters, as those types of experiences aren't emotionally intimate for me.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am currently dating a guy. However, we haven't had any physical relationship but we have shared a...

Well, everyone is different. Some feel better sharing such things and others don't.

Whatever we do in life can be shared or not, our prerogative. A lot of times women have such questions because there may be remnants from prior abuse too. Such as an abusive parent or partner that insisted on complete invasion of privacy to fence the victim in.

Whatever happened in your past is something that you need to understand and go through, but I think it would also be smart to ask if the other person is interested in sharing such matters too.

It also depends how much that trauma affects you as an adult. If it is rather insignificant then you may not have to worry about it. If it can endanger future relations with a partner then it should be addressed so the other person can understand you better.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks for answering on my thread everyone.

I have been running away from relationships due to commitment issues after growing up in domestic violence situation. I have attachment detachment issues and I tend to feel that sex is "dirty" and I am "cheap" due to childhood sexual abuse.

 

[IrisL]

Hmmm...
I find that a difficult to answer, because it's depends on how prolong your relationship... etc.
But me personally if I take someone seriously I will tell them... especially because with certain things I can be triggered at coitous.

I would suggest what I'm usually trying to do; if he would have the same past when would you feel that right to tell to you?
My opinion if you aren't opened, do not expect openness. That would be unfair and kind of lying, not cheating.
Give what you expect.
My partner we are together for like a month or something like this... and he knows it's happened- obviously not in detail... but if he would ask I will answer for even details.for me there is nothing to be ashamed of.
And on the first movie we watched I got triggered and he was cool with it, he was informed and I know he wouldn't do anything to trigger me or make me upset. With me openness is works; but for example he I shall a really private person and he needs more time to be op ed. and we are trying to respect each other personality as much as possible. Ad we are talking threw things instead of hiding.

But for example he only know I have ptsd, but he don't know I have borderline personality disorder; but he knows I have personality disorder.

By the record for example he don't believe in psychotherapy, he thinks a real good friend and a talk can sort out anything. If the friendship real.

Hope that's helps.

Xx

 

[IrisL]

Personally my opinion real relationships base trust ( even if it's super difficult for me personally; I'm pushing the hell out of myself). If I'm doubting something I'm telling. You would be able to find solution easier, if the other really care.
And he knows I'm doubting him... and he knows I'm expecting to be hurt. But you risk things by the belief and hope to the other is the right worthy person for you.

And no one should be ashamed of what happened with you; it was the predators fault not yours. Please keep in mind.

 

[J'qel]

No hon, it's not "cheating" in any way shape or form, and I hear you on the commitment phobia. I told my husband we had to be together for two years straight before proposals could be considered. I dated a lot of people, even though none of them were sexually active (also hear you on the sex issues)-something around fifty or so in less than ten years-just looking for the "right" person. I won't get into more because it's not relevant.

When's the right time to tell someone? When you can. When it feels right. When you're serious.

I was open about some of my abuse, because I was pretty angry about it and needed to have the people in my reltaionships understand why I despised certain members of my family-but mine was phsyical abuse. I haven't much talked about the sexual abuses, because to be honest, I'm not comfortable with it. I have mentioned it to my husband, because I do trust him and he needs to know, but other than once or twice in nearly fifteen years together, I haven't been willing to talk about it, because I'm not ready-granted mine happened in my early twenties-so a bit later in life.

Heck I've only had one therapist who knew about it, and even then only vaguely. I consider that part of my life gone and behind me and I really have *no* interest in revisiting it right now.

I think, in your case, where it happened in your childhood, you will eventually need to tell your partner, once you find one. They're a part of your life and should know about things that could trigger you so they can help you through it.

But in an early relationship? Hells no. As far as I'm concerned, someone needs to earn that kind of trust first before you open up your bleeding festering wounds. Otherwise you risk people poking at it out of malice if things don't go well. Keep yourself safe and worry about the rest as it comes.

 

[Milo's papa]

Does this make me a cheater if I don't tell him??

You have a right to your past that doesn't include anyone. My wife has been through some terrible abuse of which I only know a fraction of. I don't have any expectations of learning more. If she chooses to tell me she will. Of not, I'm ok with her decision, it's her life's story. How much she shares with me is entirely up to her.

The same thing applies to you. Tell him if you want but don't feel the need to do so. You're not cheating on him , nor are you being deceiving about anything. It is not a part of your relationship with him. Only you have any expectations to make it a part of your relationship.

I would like to advise you to tell him only if you believe his knowing will help you on your journey towards happiness and healing.

 

[Anarchy]

J,

Congratulations on dating!

And you too @IrisL !

:hug::hug:

 

[Llith]

I personally told my bf very early on, he was my first serious relationship since and I needed to make it clear things were going to go slow. I have flashbacks in sex & dissociate etc. it felt unfair not to explain what was going on. That being said it took a long time for me to provide any details aside from the fact it had happened.

If you are not ready to tell him that is fine, trust your instincts you will know if/when you are ready to say anything :). Cheating is NOT keeping something very personal close to your chest, thats just self preservation :).