Relationship How Sufferers Feel After They've 'made A Mountain Out Of A Molehill'?

[Larksong]

I'm wondering if sufferers or supporters can respond to what seems to be a common scenario:

Sufferer and supporter have an interaction that looks minor or completely innocuous to the supporter, but the sufferer finds something in it that angers/annoys/frustrates/triggers him or causes him to push the supporter away (I'll say "him" just because "my" sufferer is a guy). He lashes out at the supporter and brings up that situation, it surprises the supporter because she's forgotten all about it or thought they both understood it the same way. On this forum, people sometimes call this "making a mountain out of a molehill."

I'll make up a couple of examples. These things did not happen to me, they're just a similar level: Supporter and sufferer are having a night out, and supporter thinks they're joking together about a minor problem, like getting lost on the way to the movie or one of them losing their keys. Sufferer later brings up a certain word in that short conversation and says it means supporter was putting him down and because of it he can't trust her. To the sufferer, this is really a big problem, to the supporter, it looks like the sufferer didn't even understand that the whole tone of that conversation was laughing together over a minor thing that happened. Supporter is amazed that sufferer seems to have been dwelling and brooding on it, it seems like nothing can convince him he isn't right.

Or, supporter is going to pick up her car from the mechanic and leaves a note on the fridge (where he's used to looking for notes) telling sufferer she'll be back around 6 so they can go out as planned. The note falls off the fridge and sufferer never sees it. Sufferer is very upset with hurt feelings and says supporter obviously doesn't love him because she never let him know when she'd be back. Supporter looks around, finds the note on the floor, shows it to sufferer as "proof," but it doesn't seem to affect how he now feels. Sufferer tells supporter he was deeply wounded by this. Sufferer uses these things to tell supporter why they can't be together anymore, and pushes her away.

I know every situation is different, but is there a common way people with PTSD process how they've acted when they "make a mountain out of a molehill?" Do they realize that's what they've done? Do they even remember it months later? If they remember doing it and realize they've made a "mountain" out of a "molehill," do they feel terrible about themselves and would they be happy to hear the supporter bring it up just to tell them everything's ok? Do they have lasting bad feelings for the supporter because they still remember it the way they originally saw it? If they've started talking again, does it help or hurt (or not matter) if supporter brings it up to explain her side of things and prove she really is trustworthy and really does care? (Not blaming, trying to tactfully explain because she feels bad about the misunderstanding). If it might help for supporter to explain, are there certain things she should say?

Thanks to anyone who's able to discuss!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't see this as a ptsd issue in that the molehill phenomenon isn't strictly for sufferers of ptsd. Why would we have feelings afterward that deviate from anyone else who does the mountain/molehill thing? You're asking us if there is a common way that we process this. As individuals, how would we know that? You're asking one or a few people who reply to speak for everyone with ptsd.

I honestly don't think you understand the mountain/molehill thing at all. The issue at hand is RARELY important, rather its the issue that was the straw that broke the camel's back, the one that made our stress cups overflow.

You're looking to "solve" the wrong thing. You're looking for the answers in the wrong place. Understand the stress cup phenomenon and it will answer all of these questions. Perhaps except for the "why" of it all, but that question is usually never answered and when it is, it oftentimes brings no real answers or comfort. That is, the "why" doesn't matter, it never has and it never really will.

So my advice? let the mountain/molehill thing go. Focus on the stress cup. You see it one way, but the truth is that its not as it appears.

ETA

I've never had the mountain/molehill thing presented to me in a positive way. If you confront your sufferer about it and say "Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill?!?!" then I can pretty much guarantee that you're adding fuel to the fire. You want to focus on the issue at hand b/c you think THAT issue is the one that is the problem, but like I said, it rarely is. The true issue is that we are overflowing with stress and there are a million and one other more important things that are more important, more stressful, but you're being fooled by the smoke and mirrors.

 

[Larksong]

Thanks @Solara I didn't realize it would sound like I was asking a few people to speak about that for everyone, I know that's not possible. I was just seeking people's experiences as individuals that might help me understand and respond to my sufferer better. I know many people without PTSD who make mountains out of molehills, but one of the things that struck me about several sufferers' stories was that it does seem to happen frequently with people who have PTSD and it rang a bell with my experience with my sufferer. Because this isn't something I tend to do myself, I'm feeling really lost trying to understand if I should bring something like this up to "clear the air" or if it's better to let it rest in the past.

 

[Larksong]

@Solara That really helped a lot! Thank you. I thought something like that but I wasn't sure. I really want my sufferer to know that he can trust me and I'm worried that incidents like that will nag at him if I never clear them up. From what you say, though, those incidents were never the problem to begin with. Thank you for calling them "smoke and mirrors," which helps me grasp it a lot better. :)

 

[Seagreen]

I'm a sufferer and I do this. Some days I'm extra vigilant and even the slightest sound or touch is more than I can cope with. Anything else on top of that is going to throw me over. It doesn't feel like making a mountain out of mole hill to me but my partner thinks I am. When I do feel I've been unreasonable or rude I try to apologise to him. I usually recognise it as my problem not his. No suggestions other than to give your sufferer some breathing space on these days and try not to take it personally. Have you spoken to him about it? That might be the only way to know the answers to your questions. All the best.

 

[Larksong]

Thank you @Seagreen that helps a lot too. The fact that you usually recognize it as your problem not your partner's is helpful to me. It sounds like my sufferer may know he's been unreasonable by now for incidents like these in the recent past and that he probably really doesn't see me as untrustworthy. I am guessing he may just assume I know that he knows this, and might feel if I bring it all back up again that I'm being deliberately antagonistic. The problem is that we might be about to start talking again after about 10 weeks, and I keep going back and forth: Should I bring up these things so I can clear the air and make absolutely sure he knows I'm not untrustworthy? Or if I bring them up, will he be baffled why I'd still be holding onto them and think I'm badgering him? After hearing you and Solara, it sounds like the latter.

The agonizing problem for me as a supporter is that I don't want to wonder if he still thinks these negative things, and part of me wants to say very gently and lovingly, "Let me tell you what I was really thinking, I'm sorry we misunderstood each other, it wasn't what you thought, and this is the reason." But that's me thinking like a supporter--that's the kind of thing I would want someone to tell me. Trying to put myself in the place of my sufferer, I am starting to think this would be really annoying and just lead to more mistrust all over again, exactly what I'm trying to avoid. Maybe I have to grow mature enough to realize that I may never have all my answers and may never be able to revisit all the misunderstandings we've had and will have to clear them up to either of our satisfaction. As Solara wrote above, maybe that's me as a supporter mistaking the smoke and mirrors for the real cause. So now I think it would be selfish of me to revisit these misunderstandings with him, to put my mind at rest rather than to show him through my actions going forward that I can be trusted.

 

[Justmehere]

The mountain out of a molehill analogy doesn't quite work for another reason. PTSD suffers are triggered by "molehills" because molehills were present when our lives were in danger so our brains associated the molehill with living or dying. The molehill is still a molehill, but it doesn't matter. It's not about the molehill.

It's also not about usually just one event that the sufferer is upset over - but the total of them that uses up all the capacity to cope with anything.

For example, sufferer sees guy in blue jacket. Sufferer is reminded of gunman who wore a blue jacket. Stress cups begins to fill up as their body prepares for imminent danger. Supporter's note falls off the fridge. Sufferer doesn't see this. Sufferer is already in a state of alarm due to blue jacket guy and now faces additional trigger of unplanned absence of a loved one. This molehill reminds them of the molehill present during trauma of the absence of support. Suffer's stress cup is full and sufferer melts down.

Does the sufferer realize the molehills are just molehills? Maybe. And over time, enough experiences seeing that guys in blue jackets and temporary unplanned absences do not lead to harm, the suffers brain will change and no longer automatically and neurologically connect guy in blue jacket to full blown fight or temporary absence to fight (including verbally arguing) or flight symptoms.

PTSD is about survival mechanisms that stick around after the the threat is gone. It takes awhile for the suffer's brain to re-learn it's safe. The sufferer can intellectually know that the guy in the blue jacket is safe, or at least that the blue jacket itself is not a threat. They can also know intellectually that the temp absence is not a threat. But it doesn't mean that they feel safe. The brain still associates it with danger.

When I have freaked out over "molehills" - like someone not calling at the time they said they would - do I know it? Sometimes. Reminding myself I am safe can help me re-learn that a missed phone call doesn't mean abandonment and thus danger. But it's very hard to do and takes lots of time and repetition.

I used to freak out when someone was going to call me at a certain time, but didn't. This was a stressor, and also a trigger. It reminded me about past times where such an event meant abandonment and abandonment mean life threatening danger. I knew it was just a call, no big deal, but my body would still shake and tremble and my mind would freak out. I would struggle to manage those symptoms, and by the time the person called (which may have been an hour later), I was in fight or flight mode and would either get angry at them or run away from the relationship with them.

For me, I didn't need my supporterA to keep reminding me I'm safe to the point where they felt they needed to convince me, but to be just safe, steady, boundaried, and over time, my brain learned they really were safe even. Triggers lost their power. Now someone can tell me they will call and I don't much care when, and if they forget, it's not a big deal. I'm unphased by it. This only happened because I had people in my life willing to stick around and be safe people and yet let normal life events happen, like running late or forgetting to return a call. Eventually I built a new association that this didn't mean that abandonment and life threatening danger was coming.

I felt really bad about getting so stressed out over what I knew back then was a small thing. Feeling bad about it though only became yet another stressor to fill my cup. Others offered a heck of a lot of patience and compassion for me. They didn't condone my freaking out, but they also didn't react back and try to explain it was just a molehill. They understood that the molehill was present at the same time a gun was pointed to my head in the past.

Eventually, I took in the compassion others had for me and became to be compassionate for myself about my own melting down over small things that triggered huge symptoms. This helped me get better faster.

No one put up with me yelling at them for not calling, but they would say, I want to talk to you about why I'm calling late, but only after you have calmed down. Then they would talk to me later on and explain they were late, that they made and mistake and they were sorry, they were not abandoning me --- and they moved on to the next thing. Eventually, I learned they were really safe and being late to return a call doesn't trigger me anymore. (It is a much easier way to live in life!)

It's different for everyone, these are just my experiences with melting down over "molehills." I think it's key to remember that the molehills were present in the middle of dealing with life threatening mountains and that it is really the mountains that PTSD suffer's are freaked out about and trying to protect against happening -logical or not.

Edited to add:

I think we cross posted. I suggest not re-visiting old misunderstandings or try to explain all of them in the heat of the moment. I could see though how a simple explaination, like "I put the note on the fridge" along with a validating comment like "I know that predictability is important to you" (or whatever it is for him) will help him build the new associations. I wouldn't give the explaination more than once though, and I would suggest doing it close in time to when te misunderstanding occurred, but not in the heat of the moment. It's hard to think or take in new information when triggered or dealing with a full stress cup.

@Larksong - I think you are handling this pretty well, all things considered. You are right in to focus on showing that you are safe instead of trying to explain it. I hope it gets easier for you both. He is lucky to have such a considerate supporter who is trying to understand this from another perspective than their own.

 

[Larksong]

Thanks so much @Justmehere for all that detail. It helped me a lot. I was feeling my way toward realizing something like that but I felt like I was feeling my way in the dark. The response from all of you is causing me to think it's really counterproductive to revisit any of this, no matter how bad it makes me feel to think he ever thought negative things about me. I'm thinking it will be more helpful to show him that I care and am steady and trustworthy, rather than overload him with explanations trying to prove it. I think my sufferer may have some understanding of when he's made a mountain out of a molehill, because he's apologized on occasions in the past. But maybe my next important conversation with him is about me showing compassion for him rather than about him reassuring me that he doesn't think horrible thoughts about me.

 

[Seagreen]

@Larksong I would want my supporter to disguss his / her feelings with me. The best time to do this would be when im calm and relaxed.

 

[Powder]

I call this catastrophizing. To someone with PTSD, daily life stressors can accumulate and lead to all kinds of reactions. I have tended to see people, problems, and my own emotions as "life or death" kind of upsetting. My sister and I were told we were "sensitive" by our grandparents growing up because that's how PTSD manifests in its minor forms, even in children. The behavior the supporter or others witness in the PTSD survibor is the tip of the iceberg. If that tip upset you, imagine what you can't see that is going on inside of that person.

What the survivor is doing is more than just catastrophizing when s/he thinks the solution is to self-isolate. That is usually a behavior that a PTSD sufferer manifests after experiencing an upsetting or reliving trauma episode in a state without coping techniques to handle it better. Usually, people don't want to lash out. It is a sign they are underprepared for their condition.

How I have come to see it is in an animal reaction. My cat was wounded, and he ran off and never came back. My mother told me that cats like to die alone. When in pain, they hole up and die. People with PTSD are getting hit with life or death survival instincts similar to other mammals.

Have you ever felt so in pain that you needed to be alone to calm yourself? That is what I think is happening to the overstimulated or triggered PTSD sufferer. I have learned from failing at this over and over that there is a definite personal "trauma tape" that has to play out. I can shorten the tape by working with the pattern instead of against it, and by being honest and open about it with myself and others I can trust.

When I am emotionally flooded this way, I need to take time to be alone and accept my own feelings as valid. This takes varying amounts of time. I use various methods to calm myself down to where I can talk. Then, if it's a good time to talk, I talk about my feelings with my supporter; this used to be a major upheaval; with practice, I can do this in an hour's time or less and get back to feeling normal again. I have to be in an emotional place to be vulnerable. To be strong enough to talk about this stuff, I need time to prepare myself that this will happen again and again. Before, I felt like it would not repeat, and I felt denial. Now, because I have a relationship to maintain, I am invested in making the best of it by being prepared for next time.

I'm sure there are better things to do that I might try in the future. I'm always trying to find new ways to cope better and shorten the duration and effect on others and myself. This helps me feel I'm making progress, and I am. My supporter has noted that I now can go through the whole process faster, like a speed healing session. Not only that, but I'm seldom lashing out or taking my fear and anger out on him unintentionally. I am more aware of the damage that caused in the past and am able to work through stuff without causing harm. I admit I have failed and I'm fortunate my family has worked with me. I can process faster than before based on practice and having a good supportive relationship. It feels safer and more doable to handle stuff when it comes up.

Might I suggest that you guys are new to this as a PTSD-supporter duet? Or maybe his PTSD has hit a rough phase of reactivity due to increase in stress or increase in intimacy/vulnerability. This could be a symptom of intimacy with someone with PTSD. I know it doesn't see like progress, but it might be.

Might you also be blowing his PTSD kind of reactions out of proportion? These kinds of things are pretty standard with almost everyone with any kind of a hard past or any kind of emotional or other disorder. It really depends on so many things that counseling is in order.

How about zooming out and looking at the big picture of your relationship and then zooming in on the other person's inner world. What must it feel like to be in so much pain that you push away the only person who is trying to help you? How could someone actually do that? What would help me if I ever felt like that? How is this other person different from me? What if instead of trying to resolve the issue that I'm seeing, I ask questions to fully feel how the other person is feeling and accept their perspective? Am I secure enough in myself to empathize to that level yet?

These are real problems you mention that run through all relationships. Being in relationship with a person who suffers from any condition is a challenge. You will have to be ready to change and grow for that other person, no matter what the issue. This is a sacrifice and compromise one makes for any long-term, significant investment in a relationship. You do it for the relationship, not just yourself or the other person. Everyone participates in a relationship, and it becomes more real and important than either person individually. We have to overcome many kinds of resistance, not just PTSD, there is pride, ego, personal needs, immunity to change, and much more.

After being with my husband as a couple for 20 years, I can honestly say that apart we are less than 50% of the relationship. If one of us were to die or leave, the other person would be diminished because we are used to counting on having the relationship to function at our current levels in all areas of our lives. It becomes a resource both can tap in times of need. We do have disagreements, and I have PTSD and he has Narcolepsy. It has all been a worthy Mt. Everett. It feels like a mountain to climb because it really is. When life is at the end, this will have been the penultimate achievement, to have never stopped climbing and to have never leave the other behind no matter the storms or the desire to just give up.

You are right where you need to be, poised at the crossroads of making a choice to make it work for the relationship without harming yourself or the other, or giving up because you don't think you want to work that hard at a relationship after all. I believe you are capable, but it depends on if you are willing. He is working at it, too. Sometimes someone has to step up and set the expectation of total acceptance and empathy but with boundaries and self-respect.

If I were you, I would also want my leaving the note to be the end of it. It's like a train wreck has already started and you can't stop the emotions. I have been on both sides in various relationships. This requires looking more closely at humans for what we really are; we are not as logical as we think we are. Look at babies and small children and how they react to challenges. At the core of every adult is a child. In loving someone, we must love that, too, and encourage maturity all the while, especially in oneself.

Take care, Muse

 

[Purplemunchkin]

As a supporter I would say it depends as it varies from 'meltdown' to 'meltdown'.

However my general response tends to be to tell him I love him and to come find me when he's calmed down and is ready to talk.

Sometimes I have messed up, although I may not know it, and sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with me other than I'm there and 'safe' to rant at.

Once he has calmed down (could be minutes, could be hours) he will tell me what's up. And that is the time for me to point my 'side' if necessary.

It's not always that way. And I don't imagine it would work for everyone. But through some trial and error we have found what works for us.

Try talking to him and asking how he thinks you two should handle these things.

Good luck!

 

[user27357]

As a sufferer I see dangers as being greater than other people may see them, right or wrong. An example: I could argue the dangers of careless or drunk driving to the point that you would think I was paranoid and road raging every time I enter traffic. Facts are facts, driving is a deadly activity and most accidents are the result of a lack of concern for safety. I can't ride in a car with someone that follows too close, I will lose a friend if they so much as use a tone that makes me feel like they think I am over reacting when I ask them to back off and think about stopping distances. It isn't the rear end accident that kills, it's the resulting crossing of the center line or the trip onto the sidewalk or worse.

in a relationship, the catastrophe I am trying to avoid is the failure of the relationship. Any sign that she doesn't care about my feelings is a sure sign that she doesn't love me and I am a fool to think she does. It might just be a note that fell off the fridge this time, but if it happens again, if it is followed by failed attempts to contact on the phone, if it leads to promises to text or set up missed call alarms on her phone that don't happen, if it culminates in a day of wondering and waiting for a promised call, it can and has lead me to believe that I was at the end of a thirty year marriage. And i don't feel remorse for those thoughts.

It is about trust and a feeling that I share this life with a person that sees the dangers I see and can agree on the best way through them together. If I find out she kept a secret, if I find out she broke a promise, If she repeats an action that she knew hurt me the first time it doesn't matter what the size of the secret or the promise or the hurtful act was, it is a sign that I am in this world alone and wasting my time thinking otherwise.

The signs of impending disaster are usually small at first, then they become unignorable. For me, the small signs are unignorable and thats just the way it is. No apologies