How to convey to a therapist that you’re getting too triggered

[mylunareclipse]

I have been seeing a therapist for the last six months.
He really wants me to cut ties with some family members but I just can’t right now. I don’t think I could survive it.
I have been really decompensating. Being thrown into flashbacks dissociation and body memories. I have asked to plead not push me so hard that it’s too difficult for me. I get so bad and suicidal after we talk about losing my family. But he doesn’t seem to understand. Doesn’t seem to understand the side effects I have after of just being a dissociated mess, sucking my thumb, and voices in my head....
But he keeps pushing me.
I emailed him yesterday asking to please stop pushing me this hard that things were getting hard for me and since I have no support system it’s not a good idea right now. He emailed back saying that he felt like I didn’t like him and maybe I wasn’t the right therapist for him and I was seeing him just because he takes my insurance. I apologized, but he said there’s nothing I had to apologize for. I just don’t know how to convey to a therapist that I get triggered and it gets really bad and I cannot jump into these things that easily. But he said it’s his job to challenge me. Feel so lost. Don’t know what’s going on.

 

[somerandomguy]

He emailed back saying that he felt like I didn’t like him and maybe I wasn’t the right therapist for him and I was seeing him just because he takes my insurance.

Whoa. That's a huge red flag. Therapy should be about YOU, not about him.

But he said it’s his job to challenge me.

No, his job is to collaborate with you to help make you better. It doesn't sound like a collaboration at all.

Others may come along with different opinions, but I say dump his ass and find a new therapist.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I am just really confused.
I know that I have had a hard time trusting and attaching. But I guess that’s why I am in therapy. Sometimes I get triggered and I’ll tell him that I feel like maybe he does t believe me about my symptoms or about what happened. But I know it’s not true. I told him that. It’s jdut I get triggered and think this even though i know it’s not true.
I just want him to slow down. I sat with a scarf in my neck ten days ago feeling so suicidal and voices in my head begging me to not leave my family. That’s why I am scared. I cannot afford to go to that state. But he seems to not understand. Granted that I never said I had gotten that suicidal but he knows that my body memories and dissociation got really bad yet he keeps telling me he needs to challenge me to change and cut ties...

 

[somerandomguy]

Trying to get someone to do what they aren't ready to do is pretty harmful.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hi. I'm very sorry for what you're experiencing. I went through something very similar with my first T only I stayed in the relationship for 3 years. It is now a very complicated and dense layer of my trauma history that affects me daily at this point and is something that I will have to work through at some point.

From what you shared, I am seeing very similar, if not identical, tactics being applied by this therapist. You've told him to slow down, you've said "no" in a direct way and what is he doing? He's manipulating you and he's destabilizing you at the same time. He's also trying to cut you off from others (your family) and isolate you. Who will you then go to for support? Him.

Please do yourself a favor and get another T who will listen to you, help you stabilize, develop coping mechanisms, and make sure you are safe before starting to work on trauma again.

Hoping the best for you. VB

 

[Gs172003]

Is he a trauma therapist??

 

[knuckles]

I had a session with my therapist this last friday. I have seen her for eight months and we are still working on calming down my nervous system. This has proven quite difficult, as her "ususal" tools are no-go for me. For some reason, last friday, every attempt at calming me down, was based on engaging the body - and it was just too much. Symptoms spiked in the following hours/days.
I wrote her an email; wasn't good at putting the words together and making sense, so I simply told her that I needed her to back off. To not try to engage the body or talk about it. Her reply was basically "no problem, we'll find another way". No pushing, no pressure.

 

[Interiority]

Please find yourself another therapist. His number one job is not to challenge you - but to make you feel SAFE. He obviously doesn’t understand how to treat trauma. He should be keeping you in the “window of tolerance” so that you don’t decompensate.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you all for your support. I appreciate it so much. He is not a trauma therapist specifically. It says in his website he treats trauma but maybe he doesn’t have so much experience with it? He’s been in private practice only for like two years so maybe has limited experience? Not sure why he is pushing on this so much considering I live far away from my family so I’m not in danger or anything. Right now it’s just not a good time for me as my husband also moved away and I hope to join him soon. So I was looking for a therapist to help me through this transition and help me cope and keep me within window of tolerance. But somehow he is taking it as a failure on him if I don’t make this huge change and cut ties with my family. I just don’t know how to explain to him that I decompensate and it’s bad. I am really confused. He seems like a nice guy overall. I know I am a bit resistant to attach to him as I know I’m moving soon but I feel surprised that he wrote that he genuinely thinks I don’t like him. Is there hope out there?

 

[grit]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It reminds me of my days of decomposing and disintegrating and crying for help. There is truly no a limit to human suffering but a limit how much others can feel exactly what we feel.
I would like to recommend two things but please take them with grain of salt since I do not know all your life and even if I did, I would not know everything.
It is possible you are also so much in pain and anything could trigger you at this point. Even seeking a therapist for the issue is priming and triggering itself. So it is possible you are so ready to tackle something but it is too much.
It is possible as another human who is not inside of your head, the therapist cannot feel exactly what you are feeling so he limitation is obvious. It is very possible this is not the right therapist or it is bad timing and million other reasons.

What you may need in my narrow mind opinion is: you need to ask him you need to learn ways to ground yourself and soothe yourself. You need 100% support not uncover -it may help to use jargons to get to him if that is what you need. Your anxiety is unbearable and you are afraid of terminating the therapist prematurely due to the extreme and heightened frustration with the process at the moment. You want him to talk about how to ground, soothe, be compassionate to the self and educate you rather than you are free wheeling in conversation and losing reality. if all this fails, which also happened to me, he does not have the right experience and you would be better off.
PS. I will this much though, I learned the most and become stronger because I stood still in the midst of this much frustration and dissociation because I had safe life outside of therapy. If you do not have safety outside of therapy, find another therapist.
good luck and please take care of yourself.

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you all for your support. I appreciate it so much. He is not a trauma therapist specifically. It says in his website he treats trauma but maybe he doesn’t have so much experience with it? He’s been in private practice only for like two years so maybe has limited experience? Not sure why he is pushing on this so much considering I live far away from my family so I’m not in danger or anything. Right now it’s just not a good time for me as my husband also moved away and I hope to join him soon. So I was looking for a therapist to help me through this transition and help me cope and keep me within window of tolerance. But somehow he is taking it as a failure on him if I don’t make this huge change and cut ties with my family. I just don’t know how to explain to him that I decompensate and it’s bad. I am really confused. He seems like a nice guy overall. I know I am a bit resistant to attach to him as I know I’m moving soon but I feel surprised that he wrote that he genuinely thinks I don’t like him. Is there hope out there?

Honey a bad therapist is worse than none. Find a different one that specializes in trauma for your own sake.

 

[joeylittle]

Is there hope out there?

Sounds like you are giving him very good feedback, and he's not taking it in - for whatever reason. I wouldn't focus on making this particular therapist work for you...it'd be better to drop him and check out other options.