I'm new to this forum but am seeking answers. I have read things and waited to post until I thought I had a good question that I really needed help with. My other part isn't acting out of control and scaring my boyfriend and I. It seems she gets triggered and comes out sometimes just because his efforts to help seem scary because having someone care about me is unfamiliar.
Due to childhood abuse, I formed an alter, or another part, I am not sure what to call it but I've seen it called both here. I lost my mother to a car accident when I was four, after which my father wasn't capable of helping me process or understand what happened, or to deal with my emotions. I am pretty sure my father was gaslighting and manipulating my mother before she died, as well as doing hard drugs, but things got much worse after she died. Later, he married a woman named Patty. In this relationship, they both abused each other, as well as me, and my two step sisters, Patty's daughters. After they divorced he got cancer on his adrenal gland, which made him act very unpredictable and scary. This was worsened with drug and alcohol abuse, although I am pretty sure some amount of that was present my entire childhood, it got a lot worse after she left him.
I have recently been able to figure out that my other part comes from this time. I needed something to help me deal with these people and the way they treated me, and my other part developed to be able to be angry as a way to protect myself because I wasn't allowed to.
I have been making progress understanding this, and have been helped a lot by my boyfriend, who has been through childhood trauma himself, and understands a lot. However, now we have gotten to something I feel we need to ask for outside help with.
My other part doesn't know that my boyfriend is trying to help me. She doesn't know that the things he says aren't criticisms or gaslighting. Even when I know this, and tell her, she still doesn't understand, because no one ever cared about her, or showed they cared. All she ever got was criticism, and anything that seemed like care or concern was actually manipulation, and gaslighting, and passive aggressive abuse. My boyfriend has learned a lot about CPTSD through his own efforts to heal, but he doesn't have another part, and does not know as much about these things.
How do I convince her she is safe? I have had some good results with telling her out loud that she is safe and doesn't need to come out, but sometimes she even hates me for trying to help her, and wants to hurt me, or she hates my boyfriend for hating us, even though I know he doesn't, and wants to hurt him. Mostly she just yells and says hurtful things to him, but has occasionally hit him, but she hits my legs again and again as hard as she can, and tells me to cut myself and to kill myself. Her behavior is hurting me so much, I can't take the guilt of hurting him any more, hes the only person who has ever cared enough to try and help me. He forgives me but I am having a harder and harder time forgiving myself.
I've already read threads on here about having another part that wants you dead, and stuff like that, but I am specifically wondering how to convince her she isn't hated, and that he isn't criticizing us? It seems like even when he is trying to help me she takes it as some sort of passive aggressive something, and I can't convince her otherwise. Sometimes I think she thinks he is my dad, but other times I think she just thinks he hates us, even though I know its not true.
Thank you in advance for any help. I am grateful this forum is here, and I have already learned a lot just by reading it. I'm scared of her now though and I could use some help.
Due to childhood abuse, I formed an alter, or another part, I am not sure what to call it but I've seen it called both here. I lost my mother to a car accident when I was four, after which my father wasn't capable of helping me process or understand what happened, or to deal with my emotions. I am pretty sure my father was gaslighting and manipulating my mother before she died, as well as doing hard drugs, but things got much worse after she died. Later, he married a woman named Patty. In this relationship, they both abused each other, as well as me, and my two step sisters, Patty's daughters. After they divorced he got cancer on his adrenal gland, which made him act very unpredictable and scary. This was worsened with drug and alcohol abuse, although I am pretty sure some amount of that was present my entire childhood, it got a lot worse after she left him.
I have recently been able to figure out that my other part comes from this time. I needed something to help me deal with these people and the way they treated me, and my other part developed to be able to be angry as a way to protect myself because I wasn't allowed to.
I have been making progress understanding this, and have been helped a lot by my boyfriend, who has been through childhood trauma himself, and understands a lot. However, now we have gotten to something I feel we need to ask for outside help with.
My other part doesn't know that my boyfriend is trying to help me. She doesn't know that the things he says aren't criticisms or gaslighting. Even when I know this, and tell her, she still doesn't understand, because no one ever cared about her, or showed they cared. All she ever got was criticism, and anything that seemed like care or concern was actually manipulation, and gaslighting, and passive aggressive abuse. My boyfriend has learned a lot about CPTSD through his own efforts to heal, but he doesn't have another part, and does not know as much about these things.
How do I convince her she is safe? I have had some good results with telling her out loud that she is safe and doesn't need to come out, but sometimes she even hates me for trying to help her, and wants to hurt me, or she hates my boyfriend for hating us, even though I know he doesn't, and wants to hurt him. Mostly she just yells and says hurtful things to him, but has occasionally hit him, but she hits my legs again and again as hard as she can, and tells me to cut myself and to kill myself. Her behavior is hurting me so much, I can't take the guilt of hurting him any more, hes the only person who has ever cared enough to try and help me. He forgives me but I am having a harder and harder time forgiving myself.
I've already read threads on here about having another part that wants you dead, and stuff like that, but I am specifically wondering how to convince her she isn't hated, and that he isn't criticizing us? It seems like even when he is trying to help me she takes it as some sort of passive aggressive something, and I can't convince her otherwise. Sometimes I think she thinks he is my dad, but other times I think she just thinks he hates us, even though I know its not true.
Thank you in advance for any help. I am grateful this forum is here, and I have already learned a lot just by reading it. I'm scared of her now though and I could use some help.
