General How to deal with spouse and their anger and rage...…..

[plumtree]

Whenever my husband is "triggered" or has an episode it manifests itself as anger and often times rage. Doors slamming, throwing things at nothing actually, slamming tools, etc. Never has it been directed towards me. When he comes out of it (hours or generally days later) he always says I need to realize it is NOT about me. However, some of the things he says are so incredibly hurtful it's hard NOT to assume it's caused by me. Last night one of his comments was you don't understand I just don't care what happens to me and care even LESS what happens to you. He will tell me don't ask me any questions (not even do you want dinner) leave me alone, etc. Yesterday it was leave me alone, I did then last night he said you didn't want to talk to me all day...….How do you as a supporter, deal with this and still remain kind and loving. REALLY struggling with this as we recently married.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'd love to help but I'm at work right now. Start with the PTSD stress cup analogy that Anthony posted. It explains alot. I'll pop back in later. P.s. Read some of the supporters threads too. Glad you're here!

 

[Freida]

I can't help from the supporter side but as a sufferer I can say that having ptsd is not a free pass to being an abusive ass. Yes, there can be anger issues, but what you are describing sounds more like abuse.
I'm assuming he's not in therapy? He won't get better unless he does treatment --- PTSD is not something you can fix on your own. I'm sorry he is treating you like this.

 

[blackemerald1]

Another sufferer here... I totally agree with @Freida - no excuses for chucking a wobbly around you etc., It is still going to worry or intimidate you... so he is responsible. He sounds abusive particularly when he tells you to not speak and then throws it back at you for not speaking.. mind games... are abuse too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh man... sounds familiar. Lashing out sucks, and so doesn’t being the designated asshole. I think a lot of us can relate to that. Sure, it’s our fault... can’t be the guy who’s having the melt down, right?

Don’t engage. Don’t be around him if he is throwing shit and slamming doors. Remove yourself from the situation. Just because he’s raging it doesn’t mean you have to sit there and listen to it. Let him rage at himself. If he wants to say mean things he can say it to the wall.

Most of all don’t take any blame or guilt about you being the cause of any of his reactions. He is responsible for his own mental health and behavior. He’s not slamming doors because you asked if he wants dinner, he’s slamming doors because he is not managing his stressors.

When he calms down it’s time for a talk about what your boundaries are. You are allowed to have boundaries even if he is reactive.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

being the designated asshole

I have PTSD myself and have been in 2 relationships with partners who had PTSD.
And yeah, being the designated asshole suuuucks.
And yah, it's hard to get your head around.
The "don't talk to me" thing and then when you don't, getting accused of "you didn't talk to me".
Basically a no-win situation.
I ended up breaking up with both partners, cos they weren't taking responsibility for it and weren't doing therapy.
I'm patient, but I'm not thaaaaat patient.
For me, it always felt like a 3 year old having a tantrum.
My last ex actually had an expression for it, which I thought was very fitting!
He likened it to a kid having a tantrum and yelling "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER AND THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!"
Kinda sums it up quite neatly, I think.
Sorry I don't have any better advice...
Personally, I think unless the person takes charge of their tantrums, tries to get better (therapy), apologises for the tantrums, finds ways to reduce them... then for me it's just a deal-breaker.
Sure, I can put the person on "total ignore" and ingnore that they're behaving like an asshat.
But... why would I want to be in a relationship with someone I'm putting on "ignore" cos their behaviour sucks so much??
I don't get it.
But I'm sure there are *much* kinder and more patient people than me out there, who probly do cope with this stuff in a more compassionate way!

 

[Never_falter2]

Is your guy seeing a therapist?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sure, I can put the person on "total ignore" and ingnore that they're behaving like an asshat.
But... why would I want to be in a relationship with someone I'm putting on "ignore" cos their behaviour sucks so much??
I don't get it.

If it’s so bad you can’t be around them at all, then that is time to end the relationship. That person is too ill to function as a partner.

A lot of long term supporters will tell you there is more good than bad. Symptomatic periods come and go, or their partners have been seeking treatment and working on their healing. Also people who can make it long term have partners who are willing to work on the relationships as much as they are.

It’s really not so much about who is a better supporter, or who does all the right things... it’s about being a good couple who are both putting in the effort to adapt and overcome. Of course part of that adapting is dealing with symptoms, reactions, new stuff popping up out of nowhere, etc... then finding a way to manage that works for both people while the sufferer in the relationship works on it. It’s a team effort, and if half the team isn’t putting in the effort, it just isn’t going to work.

 

[HopeStrength]

Whenever my husband is "triggered" or has an episode it manifests itself as anger and often times rage. Doors slamming, throwing things at nothing actually, slamming tools, etc. Never has it been directed towards me. When he comes out of it (hours or generally days later) he always says I need to realize it is NOT about me. However, some of the things he says are so incredibly hurtful it's hard NOT to assume it's caused by me. Last night one of his comments was you don't understand I just don't care what happens to me and care even LESS what happens to you. He will tell me don't ask me any questions (not even do you want dinner) leave me alone, etc. Yesterday it was leave me alone, I did then last night he said you didn't want to talk to me all day...….How do you as a supporter, deal with this and still remain kind and loving. REALLY struggling with this as we recently married.

Hi Plumtree, so sorry for all your pain. This is hard. As adults, we just don't get to hurl anger at each other and excuse it later because it wasn't meant for someone. A child gets to have a tantrum, but adults should have respect and self-control. You are recently married, so I am sure this is hurting you greatly as you did not expect this. Hearing unkind and hurtful comments while he is angry does leave wounds. When things are calm, you might want to consider talking to him about seeing a counselor or perhaps a marriage counselor together. We are responsible for our behavior and the consequences that it causes. You cannot change him, you can only control how you respond to him. You can let him know that it is not OK to behave this way even if it doesn't have anything to do with you. It's important to have boundaries to protect your heart and to keep your marriage healthy. I hope he is receptive to getting professional help so he can start to work through his feelings and some of the underlying issues that cause him to get so angry. Please take care of yourself. I applaud you for seeing that this is not OK and can be devastating to your relationship. I encourage you to be strong and lovingly tell him that he has to deal with his anger in a much healthier way. We should never be someone's emotional punching bag, it just causes more pain and hurt. You are in my thoughts.

 

[EveHarrington]

Annulment?

If he isn’t in therapy and refuses to help himself, it’s time to get out.

Enough of these “episodes” and YOU may be the one who becomes hypervigilant, flinching and jumping at the slightest noise or movement. Really, it’s not a fun symptom to have. :-/

 

[Sandstone]

I'm a sufferer, and I do the full scale tantrum, shouting, swearing and throwing things. But I only do it when I'm alone. In the moment it feels as though it is impossible to control, but the very fact that I don't do it when my husband is around indicates that actually I can control it. Perhaps the only difference is that I aim the verbal abuse at myself.

About four times a year I do shout at my husband. Afterwards I consider whether I think I was in the wrong, and if so I apologise.

It is possible to experience all this and still be civil, and I hope, a reasonable partner. It takes time to learn though. In my case, it also took time to find out that this isn't a normal way to behave - I grew up watching both parents rage and explode.

 

[Mytime]

I’m not sure I can add more, than what’s been said. Boundaries are one of the biggest things to set.
You have every right to walk away, when your not being treated the way you deserve. I walk away and do something for myself. If my SO said something hurtful, I would wait until he was calm and tell him how his words hurt me.
You have a voice and its ok to use it in a calm way. Sending support.