How to help my son during divorce

[willhealeventually]

I am diagnosed with ptsd and getting professional help. Not working for the past month has gradually calmed down some of my symptoms. However, I am having a hard time supporting my son emotionally during the divorce process (which started over a year ago).
After visiting with his dad for dinner or a weekend day, my son comes home angry, depressed, and anxious. He is 10. If he comes home after a dinner, around 9pm, i am up with him until 10 or 11 listening to him vent and trying to calm him down. As a result, I get triggered and then have trouble falling asleep myself. Some days I am up until 3am.
What is my son upset about... well, he feels like his dad doesn’t understand or love him and is more concerned about his new girlfriend than him. He catches his dad lying to him or making fun of him. There is no abuse or anything like that. It’s behaviors that have eroded my son’s trust in his father.
My son has anxiety and depression and takes meds for it. He has a therapist. This situation is not helping him. He spends a lot of time thinking about how much he “hates his father.” The situation is hard on me too - I hate to see my kid suffer and I am also tired of this draining cycle of having to calm him down and then not sleep well.
Any thoughts?

 

[ChildofGod]

I am sorry to hear that. That is very sad, is there anyway that the dad can tell him that he cares for his son? Is there a way to tell your son that his dad has a hard time letting out his emotions?

Is there a way to bring his self esteem up? All I can offer is let him know he is loved by both parents, and he's done nothing wrong to deserve this treatment, or lack thereof.

 

[willhealeventually]

@Zencat Thank you - I need to remind him that he’s done nothing wrong. I’ve done everything but that.
As someone with ptsd who internalized “deserving” what happened to me, I forget about not blaming myself - it creeps up. I wonder if my son blames himself.
Unfortunately his father only took the parenting class required for divorce recently - he’s made a lot of mistakes in the past year regarding handling the divorce in front of his son. Even why I would acknowledge to my son that his father’s behavior was off, I would affirm that his father still loves him.
From my perspective, I am trying to deal with ptsd and also to help a child not internalize negative beliefs about himself or his life.... Although it’s triggering, I try to keep that hidden from my kid.

 

[The Albatross]

I would assess my capacity to assist and then turn it to in what way can I reliably/consistently/meaningfully assist. AND/OR not.

 

[Deanna]

Willhealeventually ((((hugs)))). If his dad is lying and making fun of him, dont let him go. Talk with your lawyer, and I understand, your soon to be ex has parental rights, but not when it disturbs your son over and over ( I wouldn't think)

 

[ChildofGod]

You're welcome. I hope that the situation changes in a positive way for you. I hope you find some support, and hopefully benefit in a good way.

 

[willhealeventually]

Willhealeventually ((((hugs)))). If his dad is lying and making fun of him, dont let him go. Talk with your lawyer, and I understand, your soon to be ex has parental rights, but not when it disturbs your son over and over ( I wouldn't think)

Thank you @Deanna's Gap ! Next week I am going to court to file a motion that gives my son his own lawyer to speak on his behalf when it comes time for setting a finalized parenting schedule. I learned from my lawyer that these child lawyers only cost $500 or so and provide an excellent way to have my son's voice in the matter.
I agree that the situation is not sustainable - something is going to break if my son is so rattled after every visit. Getting him a lawyer, which he agrees to and wants, is one way I can help me in more concrete terms.

 

[Deanna]

Thank you @Deanna's Gap ! Next week I am going to court to file a motion that gives my son his own lawyer to speak on his behalf when it comes time for setting a finalized parenting schedule. I learned from my lawyer that these child lawyers only cost $500 or so and provide an excellent way to have my son's voice in the matter.
I agree that the situation is not sustainable - something is going to break if my son is so rattled after every visit. Getting him a lawyer, which he agrees to and wants, is one way I can help me in more concrete terms.

Awesome! I agree!

 

[Deanna]

Don't let your sharp mind get numbed out by PTSD. It's easy to do. No one invites PTSD into their life. It has to be managed and medication helps ( I think ) and therapy. You can do this!