How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

[biaaw677]

I am finding it hard to sit with the shame of not having had a life with a job, career, frie...

Thank you for explaining to me the meaning of 'shame' in CPTSD symptoms a little. What you have said here makes me realise how the constant 'hypervilence' and 'hyperarousal' can fit into 'shame', but we ought not to be 'ashamed' about what we have suffered at the hands of our perpetrators. As infants and very young children when we fell victim to the injuries inflicted on us, it is blatantly obvious that we did nothing wrong.
In saying:

I am finding it hard and I am ruminating more than a little bit about it. I have to go through this process I know to get to the other side so I can move on. Denial is not helpful. Lying is not helpful.

You identify a worrying conflict that your t seems to me to be encouraging and accommodating and perhaps is making worse when she encourages you to explain your CV gaps by "My psychiatrist said I could say I have been a homemaker." Surely if you want to be honest you need to say that you have been dealing with bringing up your family (if you have one) and additionally handling ill-health but now your family has grown up, and your ill-health is more stabilised such that you can work. Ok, so it is difficult to predict how potential employers would perceive this, but the fact that you are being honest and demonstrating that you juggling bringing up your family while suffering your ill-health does demonstrate that you are hard working, take responsibility for commitments, and despite your illness capable of meeting any expected roles in the job description. Remember, running a home requires management skills, and good management skills as a homemaker result in your children becoming well adjusted adults.
Firstly, be honest to yourself about what you can and cannot do, then apply for jobs that realistically match your abilities and skills, Be prepared, for a time at least, to take a more mundane job than your education level might normally suggest is right for you. What employers need to see is that you are reliable, that you can definitely fill the job description, and that you are unlikely to take excessive sick leave. If you keep on giving up voluntary work jobs, before you have identified another job that you are moving on to, you demonstrate a lack of commitment, and a tendency to have poor work ethics in the area of staying power when things get tough in the work environment.
Ok so some jobs do not suit us, and some work tasks are not of our liking but they need to be done. For example, what self-employed homemaker or employed cleaning operative enjoys cleaning toilets, but cleaning the toilets is a vital task within both job descriptions. An employer looking for a cleaning operative would be a fool if they employed somebody who said I can do everything in your job description, but I do not clean toilets. Unless there is an identifiable disability that stops said homemaker or cleaning operative cleaning toilets, it would be lawfully legitimate not to give this applicant the job.

 

[ms spock]

I cannot be honest about what I can do because I really don't know yet what it is that I can do @biaaw677. And yes taking an alleged "lesser" job is definitely on the cards. If I have to clean toilets then I have to clean toilets. I will get there.

In my opinon you are right when you write you demonstrate a lack of commitment, and a tendency to have poor work ethics in the area of staying power when things get tough in the work environment, I definitely have this problem and it is just not in the arena of work. I am always disappearing or being invisible. It is a significant issue.

In my opinon it is not appropriate to share in a job interview or an employment situation your mental health issues @biaaw677, (unless you have known the people for some time, or you assess it is somehow appropriate). To me there is a big difference between being honest and being inappropriate.
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I have met people in HR who told me that if someone discloses a mental health issue in a job interview that person is just out of contention, and not for discriminatory issues, but because you are meant to be an adult and you are meant to deal with your issues without making it someone else's problem.

My psychiatrist is against people being professional mental health patients, and says that most people who bang on about disclosing your mental health status to potential employers are professional mental health patients, or professional victims, or people out of touch with what is going on in the employment, co-operate or business world. She does know a lot of psychiatrists that do work in the co-oporate world. There is a difference between being honest and being inappropriate. I am well aware that other people have very different opinions to me on this one, but if you live in a mental health world disclosure is very different to disclosure in a non mental health focussed world.

The reason my psychiatrist is against disclosure of my mental health status is that is my issue that I am to take adult responsibility for, and she doesn't want me to socialise or being involved in mental health groups, because she says you don't learn how to get on in life, and fit in in life if you are hanging around people whose focus is their mental health issue. I keep meaning to leave this forum, but I am not there yet. I do limit my contact with people with issues of mental health that they pretty much exclusively focus on. There are only a couple of people in my life that know my history up here, I talk about and do other things with people in my new home. It is not anyone's business.

I have no interest in being a professional mental health patient, though the psychologists that got hold of me did really, really, really encourage that in me. I was terribly misguided and ill advised. It is a terrible shame.

I respect your points of view and some of them are hitting the nail on the head for what my issues are right now in real time in my real life, but the disclosure of my mental health issue/s is inappropriate and not relevant to where I am at this time or where I am going in/with my life.

 

[biaaw677]

Perhaps there is a cultural difference between Australia and the UK when you say:

it is not appropriate to share in a job interview or an employment situation your mental health issues

In the UK whether a longstanding physical or mental condition, it is classed as a disabillty. Potential employees who have disabilities are protected under law from workplace discrimination. There are Government and Health campaigns in the UK that are trying to remove mental health stigma. True, when you declare a disability it can make it harder to get a job, but it is not as bad as getting an unfair reputation for being lazy or a poor timekeeper.

Yes, I agree with:

My psychiatrist is against people being professional mental health patients,

but so is it wrong to try to pretend you are somebody you are not. It is not about becoming a professional mental health patient, it is about accepting who you are. If you have CPTSD you have a psychiatric injury that was inflicted on you. You would not expect a person who is victim of a road traffic accident to deny they had a Spinal Injury or an Acquired Brain Injury, so why should you be ashamed of having CPTSD or PTSD as a trauma injury? If the injury affects the way you need to do things at work, declare the disability, maybe you could become a flexible worker who chooses their working hours so long as you do the required hours in a month? Maybe you could work part-time to build up confidence etc.?

 

[The Albatross]

Every single time this thread pops up I struggle with the idea that someone "has to live with the shame" of... Uh, no ya don't. It presumes that the perception is concrete and can't change. But it can and it does... not without effort, but I assure you it can.

 

[ms spock]

I am not sure what you mean @The Albatross. Do you mean you don't have to give your mental health status as it is not a fixed thing, that with work you can change it?

 

[The Albatross]

No it is not a fixed thing and yes with work I can change it.

 

[ms spock]

In the UK whether a longstanding physical or mental condition, it is classed as a disabillty. Potential employees who have disabilities are protected under law from workplace discrimination. There are Government and Health campaigns in the UK that are trying to remove mental health stigma. True, when you declare a disability it can make it harder to get a job, but it is not as bad as getting an unfair reputation for being lazy or a poor timekeeper.

I am not aware that we have this in Australia, for my point of view, I have been told if you say you have a disability you won't be hired. And I have seen it happen. The disabilities service at my first university told us, the students with disabilites, not to disclose at an interview or before employment, only after we got the jobs, the subtext being if you have a disability you won't be hired.

It is not about becoming a professional mental health patient, it is about accepting who you are.

I don't do that. I don't accept myself as I am, so that is definitely an issue for me.

If you have CPTSD you have a psychiatric injury that was inflicted on you. You would not expect a person who is victim of a road traffic accident to deny they had a Spinal Injury or an Acquired Brain Injury, so why should you be ashamed of having CPTSD or PTSD as a trauma injury?

Because it means disclosing the reasons for having it, and Australian society doesn't like whistleblowers, particularly ones who talk about sexual abuse in their families. And a physical disability has a lot less stigma than a mental health disability.

If the injury affects the way you need to do things at work, declare the disability, maybe you could become a flexible worker who chooses their working hours so long as you do the required hours in a month?

It sounds good in theory but my psychiatrist wants me not to do this, to just learn to fit in like everyone else.

And in my new professions, as a teacher that is not possible.

Maybe you could work part-time to build up confidence etc.?

Yeah my psychiatrist wants me to get a job for four hours per week, and I am terrified and procrastinating.

Also I have not get a safe place to live in as of yet. I thought I had one 5 weeks ago, but it is no longer safe, so I am looking for another place to live.

 

[ms spock]

This is still a huge deal and swamps me and overwhelms me so often. I get derailed by this way too often. I am incrementally improving, it takes a long time. Much more than you would think.

 

[biaaw677]

I am not aware that we have this in Australia, for my point of view, I have been told if you...

I said "You would not expect a person who is victim of a road traffic accident to deny they had a Spinal Injury or an Acquired Brain Injury, so why should you be ashamed of having CPTSD or PTSD as a trauma injury?"

it means disclosing the reasons for having it,

I do not see that this has to lead to you giving the details behind what caused your injuries at all. Many who have Road Traffic Accidents or Acquired Brain Injuries do not talk about their accidents. Right minded people would not press such personaldisclosure. A disabled person who has a disease, genetic condition is not necessarily compelled to give the details of why they are handicapped.

All an employer needs to know are the practical things that might require adjustments in your work environment. A teacher in a wheelchair needs access to the classroom. A visually Impaired teacher needs technology to assist with marking work. Person with mental health problems most likely needs, at least when starting work a little understanding that they are not put under too much pressure. There are Governnent grants that help tge employer make adjustments to the workplace.

Your psychiatrist's idea of teaching for four hours a week sounds sensible. You could run a night school class in your chosen subject, work as a supply teacher for four hours a week max, or just take on a class in a job share, or cover something like maternity leave. The important thing is that you start to connect with the normality of working.

When one is working, an employee is expected to focus on the tasks within their job. The expectation is that you leave family and personal issues at home. In the area of having PTSD or CPTSD there would be a need to develop some tolerance of trauma triggers so that the autonomic reactions are curtailed. In saying this though their needs to be a realistic understanding about how much you can or should be able to tolerate. After all the Road Traffic Victims, such as I've referred to earlier, have to overcome their trauma memories of driving and or travelling from A to B or their lives would stop - they often have PTSD too.

 

[ms spock]

They are really good points @biaaw677, well thought and rational. I will think on them.

 

[ms spock]

Still such a problem. I am challenged in trying to stay in my body, and trying to connect with people, and with working things out, and trying to understand all the connections that I have to the things I am challenged by.

I was groomed in a certain way, to meet people's needs and I do behave in those ways, and I am willing to start to unpack that stuff.

ED - Disordered eating

When grounding leaves you flooded with being raped feelings

So I am trying to work it all out, and I am really stuck. I need to make some decisions and take action.

 

[biaaw677]

Still such a problem. I am challenged in trying to stay in my body, and trying to connect wi...

Based on what a very good t told me, before you can properly connect with people in a specific environment, you need to feel safe in that environment. Make sure you feel safe and secure in yourself prior to properly connecting to what is surrounding you. If you now have a grip on what you actually feel and bodily experience n a situation then that is the starting point for connecting with the reality of now. It would be normal for any newly trained teacher to feel nervous in front of their first true class of students - that is why when training as a teacher you are put into practical teaching scenarios as a way of preparing you. Similarly your psychiatrist/therapist has tried to prepare you for dealing with PTSD symptoms that might occur during this four hours per week dip into joining the workforce - Have courage to become a survivor.