General How To Talk To Someone About Going To Therapy

[BloomInWinter]

((((((((BlueJupiter)))))))))

 

[Abstract]

I agree with Blooms approach to this. Any means possible or necessary is my take on it and done with lots of reminders of it being done out of concern and care.

The finer points or preferences can always come after.

Good luck BlueJuniper. I like your determination.

 

[BlueJupiter]

Well he's flat out refused to go. He says he doesn't need to go, and his father agrees. Now I'm at a loss as to what to do.

 

[BloomInWinter]

You tried, now it's all on him. Move on and take good care of yourself. He is allowed to choose his own way all by himself.

You may have Planted a seed.

 

[BlueJupiter]

Seems maybe a seed was planted. He smokes WAY too much - 2 packs a day for the past 30 years. Like his dad, emphysema is almost guaranteed and he's already having problems. Plus I gave him a seriously hard time about smoking around his father who's on oxygen, told him it was that kind of inconsideration I can't deal with. So he told me today that he's seeing a hypno-therapist next week. That's something - a type of therapist. Actually, it will be something if he actually goes to see the guy.

I had to get rid of a futon to make room in my new workout room and he had a friend help him move it out for me. I couldn't even look at him.

 

[Abstract]

If the opportunity arises it may be helpful to find out what his fears about therapy are. Or to ask question that may get him thinking about what he fears. I do think it can plant seeds.

 

[BlueJupiter]

He said the other day "I'm not crazy, I don't need therapy". I think he's afraid it will make him appear crazy, or by agreeing to go he's admitting he has problems and he's convinced he's fine. "I don't need to change anything.' he said. He must know inside that he's delusional if he really thinks he's fine.

 

[Abstract]

It is astonishing how powerful denial can be. It sometimes almost feels psychotic for me. Thats how cut-off from reality testing I feel.

It seems it might be helpful pointing out whenever possible when others have therapy and are not crazy as he fears. If you see anyone male and apparently strong that might help too.

It might help to say that stress after difficulties is a normal response to abnormal situations and is not crazy at all. That trained professionals know this very well.

It might also help to say he can just try it out and he wouldnt have to say too much to start. That way he may not feel as overwhelmed and afraid of what talking will entail and hence go back into denial. Denial comes when we feel overwhelmed with fear.

Maybe something such as a time limited CBT course for anxiety could be a start for example and get him through the door.

I think you said you have had therapy before. You can ask him if he thinks you are crazy when he brings the "crazy" reason up!

 

[BloomInWinter]

BlueJupiter, a person who smokes around a patient on oxygen is more than inconsiderate. They are extremely dangerous to all in the vicinity. Oxygen makes fire burn a LOT hotter. It won't make an explosion, but if the oxygen is in the air in greater concentrations than 21% (normal) the burning item can make a large flare, singeing everything.

I mean singeing like ending up in a burn warn for three months of agony as one's new scarred face grows in. In this case, I'd report that to the police as a request for an officer to educate the entire family. House fires get started that way.

Beware too, all the time you spend in any mental activity which begins with "I think he thinks..." because that is all mind-reading, a mental defensive structure used by co-dependents who believe we can read minds. It's a waste of our lives. Even if we could read another person's mind (which would be a God-like power) we certainly can't make their choices for them.

Our idea of what another person's life should be is being co-dependent. Other adults have every right to live their life as they wish, no matter how unhealthy or difficult. It is a boundary violation when others try to manipulate us into changing our lives...just as it is a violation for us trying to do that to them.

We get enmeshed in another's suffering that way. There's several great books on co-dependency. Has your therapist mentioned anything about it to you? I can totally relate to what you write. I spent decades trying to fix my family.

 

[BlueJupiter]

I try not to be codependent. That's part of the reason I broke up with him. I couldn't deal with some of the sh$£ that he did. I've told him 'do what you want.' many times, but made it clear his decisions have consequences. This isn't the first time we've broken up. I've also told him how I feel about some of the stupid things he does, but I stop myself from calling him an idiot. I get so frustrated at some of the incredibly stupid, immature, thoughtless things he does. He seriously functions like a little kid sometimes, like he hasnt developed common sense. Hes impulsive and just doesnt think things through. Thats expected of a child, but as an adult it just makes you appear not very bright. I felt terrible inside too many times for doing things that I knew I shouldn't be doing for him and sitting quietly when I wanted to scream at him. I've told him 'I'm not your mother.' many times. I'm trying really hard not to be codependent.

 

[Raj]

This all brings up a lot for me! It would be great if therapist gave a crap and it would have been great if my first hospitalization involved a caring medic, which I myself used to be (an E.M.T/basic), Instead of being cuffed at gunpoint. I hung myself, I didn't threaten anyone at all. I was instead taken to a mental ward with serious neck injuries that were never treated until I was released three days later!

It is really great to see the compassion you have here. Mental illness to me still is just that invisible, made up thing to be hidden or ignored here in the U.S. and much of the world. Even when pursue treatment you get treated as a second class citizen much of the time.

 

[LizardViolet]

You're doing your best. You pushed, he pushed back.

The idea of going to therapy and CHANGING, even though it might be for the better, can be pretty scary. It's a leap off into an abyss, to an unknown destination.

That said, if he actually does go see a hypnotherapist (I presume about his smoking), that's a step in the right direction. I've been through hypnotherapy, my main therapist uses hypnosis with me, and believe me, even if he's in that room specifically to work on his smoking, other stuff is going to come up. The real question will be whether he goes back for the next appointment after the swamp in his psyche gets stirred up.

My bf smokes, and is an active alcoholic. He has tried to stop drinking. He did stop for about three weeks during the five years I've known him. But the reason he drinks is his ptsd symptoms. I can't see him really quitting unless he addresses the underlying issues. He's also been trying to switch from cigarettes to e cigarettes. Even that is really tough.

I've gotten a HUGE amount of pushback when I've suggested therapy to my bf. You're not the only one. But yes, I suspect you've planted a seed.

I'm not sure what factors move a person from denial of their issues and rejection of the idea of healing to a place where they are willing to take the risk of change. I have some ideas. But I hope your friend finds that path.