How To Work With Avoidance (like Possibly Avoidant Personality)

[Chava]

I feel like I've bugged my therapist so much over my recent meltdown (she lets me e-mail). Sometimes I suspect I have some borderline tendency. I am impulsive sometimes, especially when stressed. But I relate much better to the symptom set for Complex PTSD, though it's not an "official" institutionally accepted diagnosis. I don't relate to the relationship problems of borderline (and I've known a couple borderlines). I really avoid relationships altogether and I think I'm clingy with needing responses from my therapist more due to sheer trigger panic, and probably attachment and trust stuff and still hoping someone is really out there to help me. I often think she wants to give up on me.

Not to self-diagnose, but I do relate to the symptoms of Avoidant Personality disorder and wonder how much those symptoms just overlap with the symptoms and treatment of cptsd.

I'm lonely but simultaneously put very little effort into building friendships. I actually sort of loath social gatherings. Growing up I usually had one best friend, usually in the neighborhood. So part of this is I'm simply an introvert...that much I know. I feel very comfortable at work because I seem to fit into the professional role very well and I'm a fun, friendly colleague. But in the regular social world, like having friends, I notice I don't even want to put out any energy unless I am sure they will like me...and I'm usually sure they won't. Also, I'm just sort of a nerd and a little eccentric...so I honestly don't click with everyone. But a long time ago I just stopped trying.

So, I live in my own little bubble. I don't have a family and I don't think I ever will. I'm not very interested in dating. I will go out with friends later this week. But I rarely look forward to this sort of thing and more often loath it. If the right person isn't there, nobody will talk to me or I'll try to jump into conversation and feel like we're speaking different languages or like I still have a bubble around me...and I'll rather wander off somewhere by myself and feel quite content. Most of my good memories from childhood involved me by myself, maybe with my dog, feeling free and safe, "connecting" to nature or dead writers or composers or art...or my own projects.

Is it worth getting tested for a separate disorder or are these things helped by trauma therapy? With part of cptsd involving invalidation and emotional neglect, the treatment would seem the same for something like avoidant personality right? Basically, I don't trust other people or my ability to form any deep or lasting connections. And yet i'm really sad when I think "this is it"...somehow I will live this whole life very isolated. How does one become less avoidant? Relationships feel like a load of work and potential triggers for feeling worthless, unlovable, and invisible.

 

[shell]

This could have been me you were writing about, only for me I really think it is about self protection and finding people really triggering.

While I am married, I seriously don't know how that happened that I even let myself get close enough to someone to get into a permanent relationship, but I do distance myself from him, and I am an extremely avoidant and private person. In saying that it doesn't have to be that way, and I am challenging my beliefs.

When I was twelve our school chaplin noted that I wasn't part of any group and had no desire to be, at the time I took that to mean I didn't belong, but now I can see I had given up on people and relationships because I had learnt that I would be hurt and rejected. After 40 years of behaving that way, I had convinced myself I really wanted to live that way, but it's a very lonely and isolating way to live.

I used to think I was an introvert, but one of my therapist said I definitely wasn't, but rather I had a strong protective barrier in place to stop me being triggered, because my parents had traumatized me so much. I live in my own protective bubble, like you functioning on a superficial way at work, not socializing except when my husband occasionally pushes me to, and not really enjoying it, because I am so busy protecting myself from being triggered, and preventing the feelings of abandonment.

I was told recently I was like a zombie, existing not living, and as much I was really hurt by my therapist saying that, I can see I have hidden behind the belief that I really am happy by myself, and prefer being by myself, I was only deluding myself. I asked myself if that is the life I want, and there is only one person who can change that so I have a more enjoyable and full life. It has been very confronting, to admit to my limited way of functioning, and to accept that I am responsible for still living that way, my abusers have gone and I am only hurting myself by only existing and not living life.

I have been working on accepting myself more, and noting that I project my parents beliefs that I was a horrible, worthless and unacceptable person onto people I have barely met, mind reading so to speak. I am challenging my faulty perceptions that everyone will feel about me the way my parents felt about me. I can see now, I let my fears of being rejected control how I behave, and can be very stand offish and distancing never giving others a chance. I am working on those relationships I feel most comfortable in, namely my work relationships and my husband and son, trying to push myself to stop avoiding intimacy and projecting my parents beliefs onto them, as these are the relationships I feel safest in, before I attempt to launch out and meet new people. So far I have noticed many positives results, now I stop myself judging others as people who will hurt me, and tell myself they already accept me, and I can see they do. Faulty perceptions can be changed.

Relationships feel like a load of work and potential triggers for feeling worthless, unlovable, and invisible.

You aren't worthless, unlovable and invisible, and deserve to have a good life, abusers shouldn't get to control our lives forever.

 

[anthony]

Everything isn't a disorder. People are introverts, extroverts, and the list goes on and on. You were like this as a child, so maybe it is just your personality and has nothing to do with trauma? I don't know your specifics, and your actions as a child noted below may have been due to your trauma. Either way... everything that is not as others do, or you see, is not a mental health disorder.

Most of my good memories from childhood involved me by myself, maybe with my dog, feeling free and safe, "connecting" to nature or dead writers or composers or art...or my own projects.

So, lets get to the real question in there, which was, how does one become less avoidant?

Lets not make out as though all people are the same, because they're not. As you stated, you're a nerd, that is how you define yourself. Going out and trying to mingle with socialites or such, chances are you will feel quite different, because their personality is all about pretending to be someone social, lovely, bright and full of themselves, typically. It will be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, thus you feel like shit for trying.

Be yourself is step 1. Step 2 is finding others that are the same as you, a nerd, and thus have a life similar to yours. Look for actual local groups that define your interests / intellect, and suddenly you're a round peg amongst other round pegs, all connecting via round holes.

So what is the top one or two things that you like? Now Google those things in your area, try and find groups via some group based website. Join the group, show up and try to meet just one person... that's all. Don't aim high, just aim for meeting one person. Achieve that, then try and meet another the next time, so forth... suddenly you will meet a range of people similar to yourself and find others you click with. Thus... you are now less avoidant of others!

 

[Chava]

@anthony I'm slightly rural, so participating in any group I like takes a load of extra energy too, but I have done that, and it's great to be around some people I share interests with, but these never become friendships, like people I can just go for a walk with, because we are connecting on our topic and just see each other at our group. I just don't move beyond that well. I understand it's about finding people with similar interests but I find that to be a lot of work too, and even when I used to be over-involved in several groups and committees, I had a way of coming and going without really connecting. I actually withdrew from some busy-ness with different groups because I felt how I was simply exhausted but still didn't have any real relationships with people. After a decade or so of trying this approach, I'm just backing off because I realize it's not working for me and I'm tired. But I make a point to get to my 12-step group, keeping some connections where I can support others and they can support me a bit...it's taken several years to connect to any of them too, at least 10 years to cry in front of any of them (that was a real meltdown week...very weird for me to even show vulnerability even with fellow 12-steppers). I need to hang with them even more, with whatever social energy I have...I do plan to invite some of them out for lunch or coffee soon.

@shell Thanks for sharing. It's good you can talk about some of this with your therapist. I'm just starting to feel like I can question my level of disconnection without being overwhelmed by it (like too ashamed of who I am or way too sad...almost too sad last week, but I managed). I've seen my current therapist for a couple years and still have a hard time looking her in the eye, talking at therapy (vs telling her important things in e-mail), and just feeling comfortable sometimes. I know therapy is supposed to feel uncomfortable sometimes, but for me it's weird I'm still there and like on this edge where I am really weirded out by being myself and feeling comfortable with someone who seems to understand me. Therapy, for me, usually involved talking about all kinds of surface stresses, like things at work. In the past I could quit therapy any day and not miss it at all. And I barely went anywhere. Knowing I have my own blocks, combined with so many of my problems being somatic, I decided to do body psychotherapy. And what's hard about not having to talk (I can talk easily and not connect...I'm pretty verbal actually). But to be "seen" has been pretty hard. Like this therapist knows I want to exist far inside a shell. Somehow I kept a confident, even humorous front with my last therapist...sort of like she was a colleague.

Anyway, abandonment fears probably, but a lot of just poor will and effort to connect...like I'm a magnet with zero charge most of the time. Through the difficulties of last few years, it's gotten harder to even do the friendly colleague thing and I just shut myself in my office a lot more. It's something I want to work on, but one of those areas where I feel like some piece is just missing inside of me. My therapist thinks that as I can trust myself and feel connected to myself, that will help with connections to others too...and I believe that. When I'm over-loaded with somatic issues and panic, I do not call anyone for help...the first thing I do in crisis is avoid everyone. So, I also need fewer crisis days!

 

[Chava]

Probably, as I've suspected, my complex trauma is also mixed in with attachment stuff (so naturally the life-threatening trauma really overwhelmed me because I didn't trust my parents to help...I remember being in the hospital and just thinking the nice OT lady might be my new mom...strangers and parents were suddenly on the same plane). So personality disorder or not (why add to my list of stuff anyway?), this was some helpful info...link with info on fearful-avoidant attachment. Sounds maybe a little like your struggles, too @shell ? I don't consider others as 'all bad'...I usually have a really good opinion of others, flexible and non-judging. But I don't actually trust anyone very far at all.

http://liveabundantly.ca/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/

Or...

"Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state of being afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to; they can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go towards others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.

As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship." http://www.psychalive.org/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship/

(I relate a load to that...always so afraid of my own needs and finding help/support needing them...I think my own starvation was largely a protest against my own needs...felt very protective in a way)

 

[StellaBlue]

I agree with Anthony - everything is not a disorder. I think, especially when we're in therapy working on our "stuff", we get end up pathologizing everything. I lived in terror of a borderline diagnosis until my pain was so great that it really didn't matter to me what label was attached as long as I was shown a path out of it. My current therapist has told me he doesn't believe I have BPD; however, he has shown me that most people will display borderline "traits" when stressed. For folks with PTSD, this is especially true (and my understanding is that BPD often comingles with PTSD as most folks diagnosed with BPD have trauma in their background).

I also identify with the "Avoidant Attachment" piece. But again, this is just a label. I think it would be very unlikely for someone with childhood trauma to NOT have attachment issues. I have chosen to work on my attachment issues because I want to be able to connect to people...and because it seems to be (for me) part of my healing journey.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes it's a relief to have a diagnosis (it certainly helped me when I finally acknowledged that the roots of my "issues" were trauma based), it really doesn't matter what you name it. What I'm hearing you say is that you have a longing to connect with other people and are not sure how to do that (or if you even can). Is that the case?

 

[Chava]

Agreed. And I don't think I need a diagnosis, but understanding part of my stuff as possibly attachment issues that are somewhat ingrained feels more helpful than feeling like I'm fundamentally screwed up...I'm thinking it can maybe help me frame decisions. I moved out of town to feel less lonely (being around people and alone, vs isolated and alone...that idea). But it is very peaceful and in many ways I love it....but it makes lots of possible connections even more difficult. And since I'm further away from my few friends, it makes the whole asking for help or needing anything so much harder. That in itself has overloaded me with stress sometimes.

But for how much I've struggled (and am finally admitting the pattern doesn't change much, just my patterns of distractions), I might be a happier person, for example, living closer to my sister. Or in a larger city where there are more 12-step groups within easy access, etc...the things I feel like I can connect with a little more easily. So, trying to challenge myself and hope that part of therapy helps me beyond my bubble, but also wondering what amount I accept. I feel like I've been accepting misery because I don't believe I can change much. But I want to lean more into the idea that I can change, but down the road I might also need to pull out of physical isolation and find an environment that feels easier to connect with...since it will probably always be a struggle to some degree.

Sorry, I wasn't looking for diagnosis. Just sort of a lens to see my struggles through. Was just wondering if others related, or if for anyone diagnosed with avoidant personality or similar experience alongside their trauma if it was worth the information or additional lens (or, as I assume, the therapy I am doing would mostly be the same)... but probably I get too confusing in trying to explain myself with what I'm working on lately.

I don't understand much about this stuff...or myself...(sort of why I posted)...this just feels like possibly helpful switch in perspective because my avoidance runs pretty deep and isolative. My therapist understands the attachment and trauma links for me, but we haven't talked much about avoidance. It's probably obvious to her in how I present myself (little eye contact even after a couple years). It feels generally hard to move forward anywhere, including therapy even though I have a really great, patient therapist. But I want to talk about it a little next time I see her...just from that frame that my attachment and environment has more to do with my disconnection to others (and ambivalence quite often) than something like a deep flaw in my character...not that I couldn't improve on social graces, etc.

 

[StellaBlue]

Ah...this resonates with me a lot. I have been reading about attachment disorders and only recently brought it up as a possible "to do" item in therapy (I think it says a lot that I brought it up with my therapist and then immediately changed the subject - look! something shiny!)....but yes, I totally get wanting to understand it more, because I believed for a very long time that ALL of my issues were character flaws or that I was fundamentally screwed up.

 

[Chava]

but yes, I totally get wanting to understand it more, because I believed for a very long time that ALL of my issues were character flaws or that I was fundamentally screwed up.

Yeah, to make a sort of long story short, I think that's what I'm trying to get at. And so even if not diagnosed, even reading or learning a little about "avoidant" attachment styles seems a little helpful in framing things. And so thinking how I can change or grow, but also how I can forgive myself and accept myself a little differently....maybe make things easier on myself than always look from perspective of being flawed or fundamentally unlovable, etc. I also probably project loads of cues that I'm not even approachable. Stuff like eye contact...hard to change, but I'd like to be aware and challenge myself a little more without overwhelming myself.

thanks @StellaBlue

 

[StellaBlue]

And so thinking how I can change or grow, but also how I can forgive myself and accept myself a little differently....maybe make things easier on myself than always look from perspective of being flawed or fundamentally unlovable, etc. I also probably project loads of cues that I'm not even approachable. Stuff like eye contact...hard to change, but I'd like to be aware and challenge myself a little more without overwhelming myself.

You are so on the healing path by knowing this about yourself. For me, the thought of pushing through the "avoidant attachment" into trusting and connecting is scary as hell - but I also have this sense that what is beyond it is worth confronting the fear. I hope it's that way for you as well.

 

[Chava]

I hope so. I feel like I'm at a turning point where my defenses aren't working so well, like I'm too aware but don't have enough new skills or trust yet. I'm tired of filling every minute of free time with distractions and trying to make myself feel worthwhile, like it's starting to just feel like a joke. My therapist doesn't like "labels" but I need some sort of frame of reference...not really a label...but understanding some of my isolation from the perspective of my own avoidance...and how to move beyond it, if I still can.

I've overloaded myself with work and serving on committees and making myself useful and have been recognized for my work...and I think I finally realized, while that's important and I want to feel of service to others, all my involvements in work-related spheres don't really replace not having a family or significant connections. I just feel empty.