Isolation because I can only deal with so much stress so I mete it out and use what energy/patience/tolerence I have on things that I MUST do.
Isolation because I worry what others will think of me when I do suddenly burst into tears; become a raging asshole for no particular reason; have a complete meltdown because of a flashback.
Isolation because isolating because that means I am less likely to encounter the triggers that set me off
Constant fear of what I will do because I'm NOT always in control.
Feeling bizarrely normal, knowing it won't last and deciding to not commit to anything for fear of the next bad day/week/month.
I would say it feels lonely except I'm usually to worried about guarding or the hellish angry war against myself, or just the black nothing that goes with 'staring at the wall all day' to feel lonely or bored.
If I'm bored, I know I'm having a good day.
If I'm bored, I know it won't last and I enjoy it as much as possible.
Triggers feel like someone has my brain in a vice. Not my head- my brain. It's almost buzzy feeling- like you've just started to drink. Everything is slightly farther away and then moves away quicker depending on how bad it is or disappears altogether.
Constant anxiety, constant fight in my head about the thousands of permutations of what that person meant when he said that or acted a certain way. Constant noise in my head. Constant adrenaline buzzy anxiety fed hyperness. Constantly checking doors, cars, windows, rushing to get the seat in the restaurant that puts you in a place that makes you feel safe. Needing to block stimulus so I can relax.
I only turn 'off' when I run or bike. Even that isn't a guarantee.
