I'm feeling a bit depressed today. Not hopelessly depressed, but just a heartache and a need for rest from my boisterous week. I don't have the slightest desire to eat. My grandmother keeps telling me to eat, but I can't even think of putting food in my stomach.
We have been having so many people come through the house. This past weekend it was for my grandfather's funeral. I barely knew my grandfather so that isn't what I'm depressed about. It's more about how isolated I feel in my family. I know that my family loves me, but sometimes I just don't feel it emotionally. I also dissociate a lot in social situations, so my family mainly knows me as a space cadet. It's very hard for me to stay in the present with all these people swarming around me. Sounds feel like hammering on my eardrums. Tactile sensations feel like electric shocks. Anyone coming into my personal space feels like a violation. I feel people eyes on me, as they wonder what's going on in my head. It all gets so overwhelming for me in these situations with so many people that I space out completely. I go somewhere else mentally. I can't handle so many people in a room. I get an anxiety attack which usually leads me to thinking I will have a heart attack.
Luckily my great aunt left. She has a very loud, piercing voice that hurts my ears. It doesn't help that most of her statements are bigoted, about how black people, Jews, and gays ruin her life. But she left. At least my grandmother is more soft-spoken. But today I am just taking a mental day, spending my day here on my computer. I need this screen and this keyboard as a buffer zone so that I can handle human interaction.
I might go for a walk today, but it depends on the sidewalk conditions. The sidewalks are still icy, so I might just stay indoors today and sip at some hot cocoa.
