Husband Doesn't Understand The Pain Of Intercourse

[katz]

I'm not sure where I can talk about this. I have searched a number of chat topics.

I'm so scared that I'm shaking. My husband and I had a discussion last night. He is very angry that I will not have intercourse with him. I have told him how much pain it causes me. He got very angry at me and has expressed to me that he won't go the rest of his life without sex. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I know how much it hurts. We have tried before in different positions, they all hurt.

I don't want to break up my marriage, but just thinking about the pain makes me start shaking and want to cry. How can I make him understand? Should I tell him "everything"? Maybe hearing the whole terrible story will make him understand? At least one of the horror stories, about one of the "demons"? Maybe that will help him understand the magnitude of these experiances and the effects they had on me.?

I'm lost and so scared.......and alone.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm not sure where I can talk about this. I have searched a number of chat topics.

I'm so scared that I'm...

If he doesn't know why then you need to tell him something. Even if it's just an " in general "

 

[Snowflake]

I'm sorry but not do I understand . It's been about 3 years of any closeness with my husband and I . E doesn't know my history-just that I hate sex. So somehow how marriage continues, as roommates, not as a couple. I would say if you don't feel you will get support from him by sharing then don't -may do more harm than good. Otherwise-reassure him that you are working on feeling more comfortable/less pain. He should support you with that alone. It's not easy-my marriage is a daily struggle-a lot revolves around intimacy.

 

[EveHarrington]

I usually say to hold back and not go into detail.

However it may be do-or-die for your marriage so it may be time to get into the horror of your trauma.

I'm a bit jaded and pretty much think guys only care about sex so before I say too much or tell myself this just proves it------I'm going to sign off.

It's a horrible place to be, I know.

:hug:

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

He sounds like a c*nt. Even if he knows nothing about your trauma he knows it causes you pain. And he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into having sex you know what they call that? Rape rape isn't saying "no" it's the absence of a whole hearted YES.

Does he know anything? Just not details?

I think first and foremost do you want to be able to have pain free sex? If yes there are options. There are physical therapist whos speciality is in the pelvic region. They often work with people who experience chronic pelvic pain etc. Have you been to your doctor about this? They might be able to help. Are you in therapy? Don't feel pressured to answer all of these questions it's maybe just things to think about.

I'm so sorry your husband is being a pig about this. You do not owe him sex. Just because your married it doesn't mean he has some right to your body. I can understand him being upset of course but ultimatums and anger? No not ok.

 

[EveHarrington]

He sounds like a c*nt. Even if he knows nothing about your trauma he knows it causes you pain....

This is spot on. I don't think anyone could possibly say it better. Yep, in the absence of a freely given "yes", consent is not given. How long have you been with your husband? IIRC it hasn't been long or am I mixing you up with someone else?

 

[Gs172003]

This is spot on. I don't think anyone could possibly say it better. Yep, in the absence of a free...

My husband knows and refuses to allow me to give in at this point until he knows I'm ready. That is what your husband should do. He's being selfish.

 

[joeylittle]

How can I make him understand?

To be honest, you can't.

Anytime I've ever struggled with trying to make someone understand how badly something affects me...it just doesn't work. They won't see it unless they are at least open to seeing it. And it sounds like, from what you've written, that he is dealing only with the present.

Have there been past conversations where he has asked about the reasons for your pain? Has he ever expressed interest in knowing?

My ex didn't want to know. I tried to tell him anyway, and it didn't go well. He didn't want those images in his head, I guess. That's something he said at the time. But it also somehow gave him license, in his mind, to get very rough with me. So I just tolerated a lot of pain. Not good.

There are ways to approach vaginismus, if that's what you are dealing with. And trying to work on that would probably be more productive/practical. Telling him the 'why' of things, as background for what you need to do to work on the pain for yourself, might give him some patience - might not.

I guess, you need to think on whether you want to work on eliminating the pain, from a physical perspective, or whether you are willing to live with it, and he needs to either live with it as well, or you need to consider open marriage, or the marriage needs to end.

I don't mean to sound cold, at all. Personally, I think he's being an absolute asshole. You don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you. But, I don't think telling him why it is will make much of a difference. It's your choice, whether you want to get into trying to change the situation for yourself (pain) or not.

 

[foreveralone2099]

I don't want to break up my marriage, but just thinking about the pain makes me start shaking and want to cry. How can I make him understand? Should I tell him "everything"?

yes definitely, but even if you don't he should respect your right to say no. there is such thing as marital rape after all! is there something about this man that triggers your symptoms?

**hugs** to you; you're not alone in this.

 

[selfcompassion]

Yes, tell him everything...however, no one has the right to expect their partner not to have sex in a marriage. This is a reasonable expectation. You need to be willing to do any and all therapies available to heal your trauma. It is your trauma, your feelings, and it is possible.

 

[Deleted member 541]

You might ask him how he'd feel if someone slid a skewer up his penis. When he winced, I would mention that this is how you feel when trying to have sex.....

 

[katz]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. To answer a few questions--
We've been married almost 10 years. However, I hurt before we were married. (My first marriage was ruined this way-the memories coming thru, though much stronger back then)

He just thought that I was "holding myself" for marriage. Then right from the beginning it hurt. He just figured that it was "dryness" or some other medical problem. Then a few years back 3-4, the memories started coming back. To stay. He was not happy. He hates the idea that he has to deal with the results of some one else. And some thing that he was not aware of back then. (Like I was hiding it from him--I wasn't)

I have often asked him if he would stay with me if I became wheel chair bound. (then I couldn't either). He evades the question. Says that it does not apply.

I went to the doctor, she saw nothing wrong. Though she told me that any scarring could have just healed away, since it was so long ago.
We've tried different positions and ... gels/cream. It still hurts so much that I can't stand it. Even thinking about it makes me cry.

I'm almost to the point of telling him that he will have to just accept this or go find some one else. I don't know what to do. I don't deserve to keep dealing with the pain.....I've had enough of that. Although, I do understand his positon too. I want to make him happy. I know that this is not his fault.

I have often wondered if there is scar tissue in there or maybe it healed wrong or the scarring reduced the size. (I don't think that scar tissue would be able to stretch like the actual "area" does.) I've also read about the muscles "learning" to tighten on their own. Like reflexes.

There are a few things that do trigger a ...feeling of fear of him. I hear stories about his past. I know that he is stronger then me. One of the simpler things that I wish he would do is to lower his voice. I keep asking him and he doesn't. He says that "you shouldn't have married me if you didn't like this". I have tried to explain to him that this "condition" was not showing itself back when we married. I think that this is a pretty easy request.

I used to have a T, long ago that taught me that when I get scared to ask myself "what is the worst thing that could happen?" I have often used this coping skill to deal with strong feelings or when I get scared, or wake up from nightmares. Now I'm telling myself that the worst thing he could do is to leave me, then I can tell myself that I would still be okay. Life will go on. I often used this as a kid, by just looking around the room and reassuring myself of where I was and that I was safe, and going to be okay.

Maybe I should just tell him "some' of my horror stories....He is a father of two daughters, he might start to see it as a parent and treat it different?