Supporter Husband Has Ptsd & I Need Help On What To Do

[PTSDCopWife]

My Husband was in the Airforce. He was deployed to Iraq twice and Afganistan once (before I met him). He was diagnosed with PTSD, anger, depression, and anxiety after the War.

We've been together over 4 years. In the 4 years I've known him he has never went back to any kind of couseling nor does he take any medication for any of these (he refuses all help).

I think his job being a Policeman is not helping the stress triggering of his PTSD. My husband is a GREAT man: very loving, a great father and husband. Things are great with us. I can tell he is in love with me by the way he looks at me & touches me. But about twice a year, sometimes 3 times a year when something (usually stress) triggers his PTSD, he changes into a completely diffrent person.

I've stood by his side all these years. But this is the worst PTSD "episode" I've ever experienced him having. He's closed off to me. He will not let me touch him not even hug him. He's not sleeping. for a couple days he was throwing up. He's crying on and off. All he wants to tell me is "I can't be with you anymore. I want a Divorce.". This is not my husband. my husband is so in love with me and our daughters. He barly even looks at our kids. This has been going on for 6 days now. Usually his "episodes" last 3 days and he's back to his normal self announcing his devotion and love to me for standing by his side.

He is being so hurtful to me and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I'm a beautiful, good, caring woman. Im also very sensitive and I feel like I'm getting verbally abused by him. It's turning me off. Im trying to be supportive. What do I do? What if when he comes out of this depression, he still refuses help? I do not want to live like this! Always being scared of his PTSD episode coming on & having him turn into a Stranger & mentally abusing me.

Our children are young (under 5 yrs old) and my oldest keeps asking whats wrong with Daddy. He barly even looks at her or me. All he wants to do is lock his self up in a dark room.


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[PTSDCopWife]

He is also not communicating with his family or friends. He is blowing everyone off. Not just me. If I do move out like he's asking, I will be moving with the kids to my Mom (who lives far away). I feel like if I leave, I will never beable to help him. He is crying telling me "I know I will regret this, but I have to do it for you. You and the kids need someone Normal. I will never be happy, with or without you. There is something wrong with me". I bed him to go to the Veterans ER. But he will not even consider it.



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[Calypso]

It's not often, or perhaps it's never been, that I have encountered another public servant who's service has led to PTSD. Often times I feel quite alone as if not adequate enough to handle the situations that my career path had set before me, when it seems others facing the same situation cope much more effectively. I remind myself that my response to the situation I found myself in was directly affected by childhood experience.

Your husband is lucky to have you to support him through this. I have a great support system, yet find it hard to talk to my family about what I experienced and am still experiencing, so they never truly know or can understand just how I feel.

He needs to know that there are others out there who understand and care. It is possible to live successfully with PTSD. I wish you both the best in this difficult situation.


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[PTSDCopWife]

Thank You

 

[Eleanor]

Copwife, first, I'm so so sorry you and your family are having such an awful time right now. I know just how terrible it is. There is not much you can do while he is "in" the episode. Just speak calmly and reassure him that yes, he is unhappy and suffering now, but he will get better and there are now ways of treating PTSD that actually work - (this is a new development - last ten years or so). Can you take yourself and the little ones to a motel or a friends for a couple of days? You guys need a break from him. I wouldn't make any big decisions while he is in it. I'd tell him that too - "I'm not going to make any big decisions while you are bad - you've gone through rough patches before and come out - you'll come out of this one too."

I've got a friend who had PTSD for ages (20-30 years) put his family (as he reports "through hell") and tried everything - helped a little - and then got into one of the early prolonged exposure trials at the VA, and got his life back. I can call him and see if he'd talk to your H. (I'm sure he will) He helped get my H into therapy.

Hang in there, and when it calms down get help for you and the kids too.

Sending strength and calm your way....

 

[PTSDCopWife]

Thank You Eleanor....I talked to my husband today. He told me He Doesnt love me anymore..& informed me that he has an appointment with a Lawyer tomm. & For me to come get my stuff out of our house. (I dont work. I stay home with our children.) So I can not afford the house morgage by mself. He says he will help me with money to get into an apartment. I had no idea this would ever happen. I was that secure with our marriage. HE is very very adamant that he wants me and the kids out. & I better get a lawyer tomm if I dont want to be screwed. because hes getting his own laywer

 

[Eleanor]

(((((((Copswife))))))) I think you have to get a lawyer - AND be prepared for a quick about-face should he get a decent nights sleep and calm down. I can't tell you the number of times my H has started discussion about the mechanics of breaking up. But he never has taken any action. I'm hoping your dynamic will be the same - but just in case it's good to find a lawyer. Ask around and find the best one in the area.

So so so sorry you are going through all this....

 

[Ricanoland]

I've stood by his side all these years. But this is the worst PTSD "episode" I've ever experienced him having. He's closed off to me. He will not let me touch him not even hug him. He's not sleeping. for a couple days he was throwing up. He's crying on and off. All he wants to tell me is "I can't be with you anymore. I want a Divorce.". This is not my husband. my husband is so in love with me and our daughters. He barly even looks at our kids. This has been going on for 6 days now. Usually his "episodes" last 3 days and he's back to his normal self announcing his devotion and love to me for standing by his side.

Whenever I am going through an episode, I have this feeling to leave the entire world, even the ones that I know love me. What you are going through with him, is truly horrible I am sorry. I hope he understands soon that he needs to get help, so your family be whole once more.

I think the reason personally want to leave everyone, even the ones that love me... forgive me I am young, I am not married and I have never fought for my country. But I believe its because I feel like no one will ever understand my struggle so, I'd rather struggle alone. The mind tends to play games, questioning the real love of others, because "if you cant understand my pain, how can you real care?" Childish, and maybe off topic, but when I saw the above quote, I thought maybe I could give you a PTSD episode point of view on the world... I hope it makes sense, or help.

Again, I am sorry for your pain.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((PTSDCW)))))

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

I have helped some cops wives escape their husbands and their story was very similar. The person they though they knew changed overnight.

Based on my experience, a few things to consider. Please disregard anything not helpful or which does not apply.

Why should you be the one to move out?

Just because he's in crisis doesn't give him the right to demand that you jump to accommodate his symptoms.

Please contact your local women's services hotline. They have good information to help you know your rights. If you are unsafe, you must establish safety. If you are not unsafe, there is no reason why you and the children should have your lives so disrupted. Slowing down the process and giving him a cool-down period might help give him some time to come back to himself. MIGHT.

The women who were screwed over the least followed the advice to 'Make him file. It puts you in a much better position' but again, you must get a good lawyer to ensure this would be beneficial.

By moving out, you could be putting yourself at a lifelong economic disadvantage. In court, it then may appear that you left the relationship. I may be wrong on this, so please check for yourself and your own state laws.

Are you and the children safe?

Hang in there...if it is an episode, he'll come back around.

But get all the info you can in case he is not having a PTSD episode. Some of our local cops had a 'cheaters club' and they'd live double lives then drop this exact bombshell on the wives just months before the wives would be legally entitled to their share of their pensions. Some accepted the deal too fast and lost their share because of it. Others got good lawyers and delayed it, wisely.

 

[PTSDCopWife]

Thank you both for the support and advice.

The PTSD Counslor I talked to on the phone days ago, told me since he's a Cop and has Guns in the house, & since he wouldnt leave, she advised me to take my daughters and leave the house until his episode went away. We stayed at a motel for a few days. Now we are living out of town with my Mother.

He already filed the seperation papers and he also filed a restraining order against me (I heard it was because He is scared Im going to tell his Sargent he has PTSD (HE WAS diagnosed after he got the job as a cop) and that he knows when the boss finds out there's a good chance he will be fired (if he doesnt get the help he needs) .

My husband is being so mean to me. I had to stop talking to him. He's threatning to take custody of our baby I have a 5 month old with him (my oldest daughter is 6 yrs old and from my first marriage. He is threatning to take everything. Our baby, house & my Car Im driving, saying the car is in his name and he's going to leave me with nothing.

I talked to him last night and he was being so hurtful to me. Yelling and cussing at me me and now I feel scared of him. Im a very passive quiet person, & he is a very Strong, dominating man, Esp. since he became a cop. He always tells me that he is "The Law". He has also told me numerous times that he could kill me and he would never get in trouble, because he will blame it on his PTSD. It really hurts my feelings when he would say that. Who says something like that? I always get upset and tell him to stop talking about it, that if he did kill me he would go to prison, and he always says "No I wouldnt get in trouble, I have PTSD". He has told me this at least 5 times. He is not the same person anymore.

So I am going to put all my money into a Lawyer & let the lawyer fight him for me.

Because now I am scared of my husband.

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[simplekindofgirl]

PTSDCopWife- get a lawyer immediately. He has filed for a restraining order, you will or have been served and on that paper work there is a hearing date. Attend it! Tell the judge what you just posted here for us to read. Protection orders are for protection from physical harm, the judge will likely not issue one beyond the 30 days temporary protection order. If you do not attend it, the judge will issue the protection order in your husbands favor, and then your husband will have grounds to fight for custody of the children being that he can say that it was necessary to file for a protection order.... He is working/abusing the system to gain an unfair advantage. Remember what his mindset is- He is the law. He knows the law, and he is working it. Fight that protection order!

If it comes down to feeling that you are truly scared that he may be a physical threat- a man with PTSD and a loaded weapon and an attitude of I am the law, File for a protection order for yourself and the kids. You can file it yourself without a lawyer, and there are fee waivers that will keep it from being an expense. Go to your county courthouse and speak with someone in family law. They may be able to help you get a lawyer as well on a pro-bono basis.

Do not worry about his threats, a lawyer will make sure that your and the best interest of your children are looked at. My suggestion- do not contact him or allow him to contact you without a lawyer on the line. You can politely advise him to this effect. Do no send him text message, emails, etc. Let him send them to you if he wants, and keep every one of them. He filed for divorce. He is taking and has taken action. Now you need to protect your rights. You have children, you can not deny him access to the kids, but the lawyers can work to define what custodial rights are to take place until the divorce decree is issued. It will not be easy, nor fast.

But assume for now at least that this is who he is and it is what he wants, because it is what he is doing. Please be careful. Do not forget, this is not your fault. And remember to take care of yourself!

Edit: I should have said, I would suggest the following- not do this or that. This, above, is what I would do and would suggest that someone would do. Sorry- I looked at the post again and I realized that I reacted emotionally in my response. This is what I would suggest. Except the part about taking care of yourself- to that I can say, do it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I absolutely agree with simplekindofgirl. Believe THIS is the REAL HIM and I hope you act on it right now.

Hang in there! You are not alone.