Supporter Husband Of Wife With Ptsd

[Never Give Up]

@mywifestrigger - She loves our children, she just hates me for some reason. So I think she will be fine as long as I am removed. I have a son 19 in college who comes home every other weekend, I have a daughter 16 who is in the home with my wife. I am staying at my parents house and I am about 2 miles away. At this time I see no reason to return back into the house with the current conditions of my wife. My daughter has limited communication with me, if I try to talk with her she relays everything back to her mother. My daughter has some one she goes to to speak about her issues, the other person is a friends mother who is a strong mentor for her. I have a small support group of my own friends and a pastor who I can go to. Everyone seems to skirt around the P.T.S.D. discussion and we just focus on how I can take care of myself while my wife figures out what she wants to do about the marriage.

Last night I was trying to coordinate a birthday gathering next week at my house. I called my mother in-law to invite her over. She relayed the info to my wife who was upset that I called her mother (total control issue) to invite her. My wife wants nothing to do with me, no contact at all. So I have to cancel the cake order and just stay away.

My mother in-law and I agreed to no longer speak to each other going forward. She thinks that this will help my wife since her father just passed away this time last year and she only has her mother to do to. I see it as a total power trip and I am no longer going to go down that path of chaos. I have/had a real good relationship with my mother in-law for the past 21 plus years and she was like a 2nd mom to me at times.

I was hoping that me removing myself out of the house would help heal the hurt and anxiety my wife is feeling. Based on my phone call to her she seems to be angry just as before. I waited 2 weeks without any contact before calling her. I have noticed that her dissociation is real. She had removed herself off facebook, no more email or any other social media. Is it to avoid social communication with others?
At this time it is just a waiting period to see what will happen. I am in limbo and not liking this waiting period. I will remain loving and not return anger with anger or hurt with hurt.

 

[mywifestrigger]

I do understand. So much of what you write about your situation, sounds like I was writing. To answer your question about social media, my wife went in the other direction and has over 700 friends. The sad thing about her having so many contacts is that some of the contacts are men that she went to high school with.

Another aspect of how my wife has utilized social media, is that she has a core group of 15 women ...

(disclaimer--I do not really want to receive the wrath of anyone regarding what I am about to write. I understand that it may not be politically correct. I just want to convey the facts. If anyone takes issue with what I am writing, I appologize. I am not trying to insult or sterotype anyone.)

...that are on multiple marriages, that are angry with their initial spouse, and are assuming the victim mentality.

 

[intothelight]

Gentlemen,

I have been reading and I have a few things to say. First of all, PTSD is not the problem. PTSD, like any other illness puts a strain on a marital relationship. Right now it is the relationship that is the problem. It isn't simply a matter of fix the PTSD and the relationship will return to "normal", that isn't going to happen.

As a wife, with PTSD, the thing that I most wanted to hear from my husband was: "I don't understand everything that is going on, and I will make mistakes, but I want you to know that I will do my best to work through this WITH you." He tried very hard to "fix" it, and it took a while for him to realize that he couldn't "fix" it, but that only I could. However, his support, validation, encouragement, and sometimes a gentle push were what I needed. That didn't come right away and it about tore our marriage apart.

Do not invalidate, minimize, sugar coat, victimize, blame, or somehow make your wives the problem. Be truthful, listen, search yourselves for things that can be made better, and focus on the event, issue, or symptom that is making things difficult. Leave the personalization out of it, and focus on ways to make it better. It doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge your own feelings and emotions, but don't assume you know what another is thinking or feeling.

Most of all I would encourage you to listen, really listen. Don't listen to formulate a response, listen to learn. Respond after you have had some time to break it down and ask for feedback. Emotion mixed with discussion does not always lead to effective communication and sometimes it takes revisiting the same topic a few times for even the messenger to deliver the message they intended. Be patient, be supportive, but most of all keep in mind that only you can change you and only your wives can deal with their own issues.

Also, for yourselves, it does not mean that you tolerate abuse from your spouse. Clearly state what behaviors you will not tolerate as those are the boundaries that will set the groundwork for interaction. Being supportive doesn't mean walking on eggshells or tolerating unkind behavior, but it does mean being strong enough to weather the storm with dignity, love, patience, kindness and hope together.

Debbie

 

[mywifestrigger]

Intothelight, thank you so much for your insightful feedback. Your response further validates the message my counselor gives me weekly. He constantly encourages me to focus on the aspects of my life that need to be improved and changed. He never takes any "side" in attempting to help me resolve the situation with my wife. He, like you, encourages me to "never, never, never give up" and he always encourages me to focus on myself and change the behaviors that I can change about my life, thoughts and he encourages me to pray for my wife without ceasing.

In referring to yourself as "a wife with PTSD" further encourages me and validates what you have written to me. As a man, I do admit that I desperately want to fix the entire situation, however, I do have to agree with what my wife told me just last week. My wife screamed at me, "you can't make me love you." She is right. I finally answered her in the correct manner and finally gently responded to her looking into her raging eyes with kindness and genuine care and affection, "and You can't make me stop loving you, no matter how you treat me."

In the last two days, I finally "got it". I am exhibiting emotional strength that only is a result of receiving heavenly grace from God. I continue to love her unconditionally, no matter how she treats me. Hopefully she will realize that she is not being truthful in attaching the abuse she received from her sister in her childhood to me, her husband. I am realizing that, for some reason, I have been her scapegoat for all the abuse she has ever received.

Two days ago, when she greeted me with rage on Friday night, which is the usual manner, I simply, and kindly, looked in her eyes and gently said, "I am going for a walk." By not confronting her, letting her know what I was doing, letting her know where I was going, and me not accepting her assulting words, I just went for a walk. I walked from 7:30 pm Thursday night until 12:30 am Friday morning.
Last night, Saturday night at 1:00 in the morning, my wife texted me and appologized for her mistreatment of me. This is amazing.

 

[Never Give Up]

@intothelight - wow, well said. I never had it presented to me quite like that. I see P.T.S.D. in a new perspective.
I will be moving back into my house tomorrow night and make sure that I love her no matter what she returns back, she is not the problem. thank you.

 

[mywifestrigger]

My wife and I are texting and talking again, this is amazing!

 

[Never Give Up]

great news on your recent breakthrough with communication @mywifestrigger - take it slow, baby steps.

 

[mywifestrigger]

nevergiveup, I pray you are able to follow through with your plan of moving back to be with your wife and daughter. As your title implies, I hope that you can continue on your life journey to nevergiveup. Grace is a wonderful thing. I pray that someday we both will be able to receive grace, not only from our God, but also from His heart through our wives.

 

[Never Give Up]

@mywifestrigger - last night was my wife's birthday. She made plans to go out with her mother and my daughter. I was excluded from the birthday (just like the other recent holidays). When she came home I was able to talk with her a little before she started to get upset. I had to close our joint credit card because of all the usage. I found out that she bought her own birthday gifts vs. getting them the traditional way. It just seems like just another excuse. I was told that I am controlling and manipulative. I asked for some examples...and I was not able to get any feedback as of yet. I really want to work on myself if there is strife to overcome.

I was told last night that the divorce is off. She wants to remain married. Now the hard part is staying married. She still is not willing to work out the issues we have. She still sleeps in a different room, barely any communication. I can totally see God working in this situation and I hope she gets right with Him again soon. There is going to be suffering to deal with if she doesn't cope with her issues and it feels like I am just getting used out of convenience. We will see where this goes.

 

[mywifestrigger]

There are so many similarities in our lives. I never cease being amazed at how our situations are so reflective. Most of the time when I respond to you, I find myself being convicted, encouraged and challenged by the words rebounding back to me.

My wife has separated from me three times in the last four years. Yesterday was the anniversary of the first time that we went out together for the first time, 39 years ago. My wife called me and told me that she missed me and desires to come home. Our grandson seems to be doing better. He will continue to remain in the hospital for 10 days, and my wife is remaining with my son, daughter-in-law and our grandchildren until, he returns home.

I remain cautiously optimistic. I continue to seek God everyday in asking Him what He wants me to change about me. I contiune to pray for our marriage and my wife every day. And I am praying for you and your wife, everyday.

Looking back, I am thankful that I did not leave my wife. I am thankful when she gave me the ultimatium about three years ago that either I was going to leave or she was going to leave. I did not say anything verbally, however, I did look into her eyes, then looked at the door, then nodded to the door. I continue, to this day, to be thankful that I did not leave.

I am also thankful that God gave me personal grace to endure my wife's absence. When ever a thought came to me to just give up, here is how I was able to reason: God gave me one woman to love until, "death does us part." So why, would I ever desire another woman? Isn't one enough?

My wife's separation from me and her adultery has also impacted me in a personally positive way. I do not fear my wife any more. I do not fear my wife at all. I do not fear upsetting her. I do not fear being her trigger. I t fear her leaving. In fact, because of all the threats for all these years, I have come to realize that I now have somewhat of a fear of her staying.

My situation with my children, is a father to child relationship that has been refined by this whole situation. I know that I am closer to my children, and my children are closer to me because of God giving me the grace to endure. I am definitely closer to God. This life is simply a breath in the expanse of eternity with God. Jesus paid it all. He redeemed me and definitely set my feet on solid ground. God is amazing! Just when I think I can not put up with another outburst, the Holy Spirit comforts me and I endure, for a moment, then a minute then and hour then a day.

Be encouraged to stay the course. Do not be anxious about your relationship with your daughter. Your wife will speak the truth about herself to your daughter, through her very actions. Your wife will not even need to utter a word. I pray God will open the spiritual eyes of your daughter and open the eyes of your mother-in-law and father-in-law. More importantly, I pray that your wife will open her eyes and ears, and, see and hear what God is speaking to her heart.

Nevergiveup. God never gave up on us. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Always loving us, caring for us, slathering us with His grace over our hearts, binding up our broken hearts and healing our lives.

 

[Never Give Up]

Thank You @mywifestrigger for your almost daily updates and encouragement. I look forward to logging in during the day and seeing how your situation is developing. I am blessed to have the people who add their experiences from both sides of the ptsd world.

I did use your experience with my wife. She did tell me that "you cannot make me love you", I replied back saying "and you cannot make me stop loving you". It felt so good to have her hear that from me. This has been the toughest experience I have ever battled in my life, my wife's cancer was less stressful to deal with than this. I don't know what I would do if God was not present in this. Just the fact that she wanted a divorce so bad and used any excuse from my past to blame me for her actions. I am grateful that she stopped the divorce. Now I have to figure out how to persevere through her rollercoaster of emotions. I noticed the stress level is back for me. Staying at my parents house felt like a vacation for me. I was able to come out of my shell and enjoy life. Home for me seems to be much more of a library atmosphere.

As a "supporter" I encourage all of you to stick with your partner during these times. It is not about you, it is about us.
Life is not easy....I don't think marriage was ever intended to be a fairy tale ending when trauma comes in and wipes out what you had built up.

 

[mywifestrigger]

For the last week, my wife has been with the two of our grandchildren that our second son and daughter-in-law have, while our daughter-in-law is staying in the hospital with their third son. My wife (with PTSD), is watching our two grandsons, non-stop, for the last week.

Today, my wife asked our son and daughter-in-law, to take their oldest two sons with them to the hospital to give her a break and so that their two sons could spend some time with their mom and dad together. My son and daughter-in-law, refused to take their sons back with them. This upset my wife a great deal. We discussed this on the phone, and I listened to my wife.

I am attempting to simply listen more, like the encouragement that we received from intothelight, and not try to always do the man thing and problem solve. My wife's request seemed resonable. My wife was requesting a three hour break from our two grandchildren. This would give the grandkids time with their mom, that has been with their younger brother in the hospital, non-stop for two weeks now, and their dad together.

My wife asked our son, and he did not want their kids with him and his wife. My wife was upset that they would not give her a 3 hour break from our two grandkids, and that they would not spend 3 hours with their kids. So after listening to my wife, I tried to validate her by repeating what she was saying to me. For example, I said, "So it is my understanding that you need a break from our grandkids, and you have asked our son to give you a break by taking his sons with him and their mom to the hospital and then for him to return with is sons. This will give you the three hour break you feel that you need. Correct?" My wife stated that was correct and that I had understood what her request was.

Then I asked my wife, for her to accept that I was going to ask my son to either, 1. take his kids with him and his wife and give my wife a three hour break, or 2) Get a babysitter for the children so that my wife could have a three hour break.

My wife agreed. So I asked our son to either take his sons with him and his wife, or get a babysitter so that my wife could have a three hour break. Conflict errupted.

Is it normal for an individual with PTSD to incite conflict? How much anger does PTSD generate? What is the anger cycle for someone with PTSD. Do suffers of PTSD cease to exhibit grace with others? Do sufferers of PTSD have grace for themselves?
Am I looking at conflict and PTSD sufferers correctly?