Supporter Husband Of Wife With Ptsd

[mywifestrigger]

I am NOT perfect in this war!! There was one evening, about 2 weeks ago that my wife was treating me like excrement, I had had enough that evening and she kept verbally assulting me. Finally, I spoke truth to her. I can't say I spoke truth in love at the time, however it was truth. I confronted her with her actions in VERY graphic verbal ways. This verbal confrontation was, however, really saturated in prayer!! Even Jesus when He went on a tirade with the money changers in the temple had expressions as he overturned the tables.

I do believe that confronting her with the truth of her actions and how it made me feel and confronting her about how she was using her body with another man to destroy our marriage, confronting her did ultimately "help" our entire situation.

 

[Never Give Up]

Since my last post on this thread, I have been journaling past and present events. It is not to throw it back into someone’s face but to reflect on how I can deal with situations without blasting back with anger or frustration. I am finding that my wife has a passive/aggressive behavior approach towards me and I feel that she is going out of her way to create issues that could resurface.

Example: We had a snow storm last night – while I was in the shower this morning, she went outside and cleaned off our daughters car and swept off the steps, she left the other car that I was going to use with snow on it. Then she went back into her bedroom and locked her door and stayed in her room until I left for work. There have been similar situations with laundry and other house chores.
I do not expect her to serve me, but when you do something…we should do it with a humble heart.

Can someone with a P.T.S.D. let me know if that kind of behavior normal.

Also, I have been not sleeping well at night and waking up from dreams where my wife has abandoned me, or she is always behind a closed door. I can never see or talk to her. I wake up almost in a panic. I feel that I have some symptoms myself. Marriage can be traumatic.

 

[mywifestrigger]

The saying, "...you hurt the ones that you love, " comes to mind, however, yes it is a trait of at least my wife that has been diagnosed with PTSD to take the saying to an over the top, extreme level. Since we have exchanged texts, my wife has acquired flu like symptoms.

So in futher answering your question, for example, when my wife is hurting or gets physical ill, she demonstrates mean behaviors. She gets "over the top verbally contentious", only with me, (treats everyone else like gold), and when I simply remove myself from her contentious behavior, she then complains that I am not "taking care of her" in her time of need.

Being married to a woman with PTSD and being "my wife's trigger" is misrable. However, I try to remind myself, that for her to treat me with such contempt, she must really be suffering and misrable. How about it? Are there PTSD victims that are currently functioning in a positive time of their behavioral cycle, that can relate how misrable they treat their supporters?? Or do PTSD wives genuinely hate their husbands and just are doing everything they can to inflict so much verbal, emotional and abusive behavior to finally make their husbands give up?

 

[Never Give Up]

"mywifestrigger"
I think you may be onto something. I feel that my wife is intentionally trying to destroy our marriage vs. getting help. She was such a loving, tender, selfless person. Since the cancer scare she told me that if she stays in this marriage...I have to deal with the "new" her. She said that she will be selfish, non-loving to me, it will cost me and I just have to adapt to her request. I told her that I married her and I meant my vows 21 years ago. The only thing I am afraid of is that she will resent me for bending to her demands and requests. We are going on almost 3 weeks without speaking to each other and we still live in the same house.

Lately, she has been showing a passive/aggressive behavior towards me. I have been told by friends to just keep my head down and remain quiet and show love in return. It is hard then this kind of mental abuse is happening. It is all new to me. I have never been treated like this in my life. I really have a hard time thinking that if she gets help....will she, or can she ever be loving again. :(

 

[Echo]

@mywifestrigger - you asked sufferers to respond. My answer is that I don't and have never treated anyone in the way your wife treats you. I have never taken my stuff out on anyone. Please don't see abusive behaviour as in any way necessary to PTSD or a function or it. If someone has this character trait then whatever their challenge in life, they will take it out on others. I am extremely grateful to my supporters and keep thanking them.

 

[mywifestrigger]

Never Give Up, be encouraged brother, really please never give up. Echo, thank you for giving us your response. I really did not know if a characteristic of PTSD was to sabbotage supporters. My wife, a PTSD victim, has not spoken to me since last Friday night and today is Thursday afternoon. I just continue to show kindness and I am trying to plow through this! It is encouraging to know that someone is out there!

 

[Hope4Now]

This abuse you allow your wife to dish out is going to destroy you."

Please listen to what this therapist said. Even though you love your wife dearly, you cannot expose yourself to ongoing verbal abuse. It is a horrible thing. I have witnessed it. She is ill with something, clearly. Reading books will only help you so far. Please don't allow yourself to stay in an abusive relationship because of love, or because of religious beliefs, or because you feel responsible for her. My heart is going out to you. I hope that your God is one that will guide you to protect yourself rather than insist that you remain vulnerable to your wife's attacks.

 

[Echo]

@mywifestrigger - I may not share your religion (I don't know precisely what it is), but I do have a relationship with God. I am so often guided recently towards using 'tough love'. By that I mean, that sometimes the most loving thing you can do for another person (and yourself into the bargain) is to say "no." "No, you cannot speak to me like that; no, you cannot treat me like that; no, you cannot physically, mentally, emotionally abuse me. I will not stand for it." I am guided to understand that if I do not do this, then I am facilitating the other person to never take responsibility for their own actions; that I am in effect acting in a parental role, instead of that of an equal, adult-to-adult one. Without wishing to be presumptive or sacrilegious, Jesus did not always turn the other cheek. He did also lay down the law in the Temple, didn't he? I can't believe your role in life is to lay it down for your wife to trample on it. You can say "no" kindly, albeit firmly, and it may be the greatest gift you ever give to your wife and the most loving.

 

[Never Give Up]

I share a strong view about God and marriage. I view my marriage as a covenant between God, husband and wife, two shall become one. God created marriage to reflect his relationship that he has with us. His love is unconditional and does not change. This is where it can look like "mywifestrigger" is staying in his marriage and allowing the abuse to happen versus just giving up and moving on. God would not do that to us (even know we deserve that as a sinner which I am). I am in the same situation and it is very frustrating for me...but I have to remember that I am dealing with a person who is ill and is not the same person just 3 months prior.

I am not trying to be a Bible Thumper...I just wanted to share a point of view that some of us share. It is hard having a biblical belief and a person battling with PTSD.

 

[Echo]

@Never Give Up - I agree that you should not have to leave, if you don't want to. But you can say "no" to certain behaviours, even from a person who is unwell. I am also unwell, very unwell, but I will never choose to treat a partner like that.

 

[Never Give Up]

(Echo) I just finished a book by Dr. James Dobson called "Love Must be Tough" it was all about tough love and I totally agree that there needs to some boundaries or there will be no consequences or room for change. The only thing that I cannot change are the divorce laws in my state. If I person files…that’s all it takes. So I plan to stay in my house and bed as long as I can. I am trying to remain quiet and allow my wife to get out of her anxiety phase so we can really talk it through and see if we can salvage our marriage of 21 years.

 

[Echo]

@Never Give Up - I do hope you find a way through this nightmare. I don't know that book, but I hope it helps you. Sending you all possible healing thoughts.