Supporter Husband Of Wife With Ptsd

[EvenStrongerNow]

So sorry. It sounds like a lot of pain, trauma and emotions swirling around in your marriage. I know how hard that can be.

Are you seeing your own counselor?

Do you have any sort of plan aside from going back to work?

 

[mywifestrigger]

I would like to develop OUR plan, however, that seems useless. So my plan.

1. I stay connected to God through prayer, reading the Bible everyday, and attempting to hear God's, "still, small voice." I attempt to stay grounded in my faith and relationship with God.
2. I stay connected to a great counselor that encourages me with "Never, never, never give up." And don't look at the past, you aren't going there"
3. I stay connected to my children and my mom and dad. (However, this makes my wife go into a rage. PTSD rage. Even though I do not share with them how my wife treats me or what she has done to destroy our marriage.)
4. I continue to send out resume's, apply for openings, network with friends, interview, working to get employment.
5. I attempt to keep boundaries in place so that when my wife begins her rants, I attempt to walk away, however, she does not respect me asking her to stop. She just keeps degrading, disrespecting, incessant destructive ranting. So I just listen until she gets finished.

One time our counselor asked me to describe one of my wifes' rants. I said that I really did not remember what she said, that she just keeps talking, degrading, angrily belittling me, ridiculing me. He wanted to know specifically what she was saying. So he told me that before I came back to him the next week to write down everything she said in one of her PTSD rants. (He was the one that administered EMDR and diagnosed her with PTSD. He asked me if I thought she would deliver a PTSD rant in the next week. I said, "ONE?!"

He told me to ask her permission to write down everything she had to say to me during one of her PTSD rants. So I did.I numbered them and gave him the papers. 70 items.

When I gave him the handwritten papers. He said, "How many rants did she have with you in the last seven days?" I said, "Four". So he said, "So this is from the four rants?"
I said, "Oh no. This is from one. The other four had more of my mistakes, failures, sins, errors, coping to get away from this relentless verbal pain!" He said, "You can't keep listening to this! It will destroy you!" I said, "So what do I do? She never stops until I stop and listen to her."
He said, "You have to establish boundaries. This abuse you allow your wife to dish out is going to destroy you."

 

[mywifestrigger]

Thanks to all for listening and for encouragement. I don't hear encouragement very often. Thank you.

 

[JadedGhost13]

"hugs". bless you.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I understand the sensitivity in "OUR plan". I do.

It seems like you have a good plan going... so far.

Has your counselor helped you set up boundaries with executions?

The counselor that you see now, is this the same counselor amongst the counselors that you said your wife surrounds herself with that say she is enabling you?

Also, is this counselor a deacon at your church?

 

[mywifestrigger]

The counselor that I have now, and his wife partners in the counseling sessions, is rejected by my wife. The counselor has his doctorate in counseling and many years of experience. He counsels professionally. He is not a deacon at our church. He does not say that my wife enables me. He encourages me to Never, Never, Never give up. Hope and plan for the future and do not live in the past.
My wife surrounds herself with others that she does not reveal her PTSD side.

 

[mywifestrigger]

Boundries with executions.
When my wife begins on a rant. I am to kindly communicate to her that I cannot allow her to talk to me the way that she is and excuse myself.
She simply ignors whatever I say and continues on the rant. Following me until I stop and she unloads all of her venom on me, when it is too cold outside to leave the house. When it is good weather, I can go for a walk. In bad weather, she just rants.

 

[ms spock]

If your wife can control this around other people it might not be a PTSD side at all. It might be an abusive side.

 

[ms spock]

He does not say that my wife enables me. He encourages me to Never, Never, Never give up. Hope and plan for the future and do not live in the past.

If she chooses to not heal and to continue being abusive this might not be a practical thing to do.

She might not hit rock bottom and change until you walk away. She has no reason to change at the moment. There are no consequences to her behaviours.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My wife introduced me to this site this morning. She introduced me to this site to convince me that she does in fact have PTSD.

How does your wife know about this site? Is she a member here? If so, I'm not asking you to out her or anything like that. I was just curious to know how she introduced you to this particular site.

 

[intothelight]

Hi mywifestrigger,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

PTSD does have some very specific symptoms and having PTSD can make emotional regulation difficult. However, PTSD does not make a person keep a list and hold onto very grievance, slight, or maltreatment within a relationship. (I am not talking about abuse in that last example.) There is a lot more going on here and that should be addressed by a professional. A relationship cannot survive continued negative scorekeeping.

When a person sets "boundaries", both the boundary and the consequences need to be clear cut. For example, I do not like it when someone raises their voice to me, and when this happens I will call it to their attention. If they continue with the behavior I will leave, and all discussion will cease until emotional control is established. However, the person establishing the boundary needs to be prepared to carry out the consequences.

It may be too cold to go for a walk, but not too cold to go get a cup of coffee, see a movie, visit a friend, etc. It is also important that the person understand that in leaving it doesn't mean that you don't care or won't return. It is that you won't take being verbally and emotionally abused, but are open to calm and rational conversation.

PTSD is hard on relationships, but it does not make relationships impossible, nor is it a reason or excuse to continue unhealthy or destructive patterns. There is an entire section for supporters where you can find information and support for yourself.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[mywifestrigger]

Thank you all very much for more insight into my comments. My wife really only goes into a rant and rages at me. That is why I used the name: mywifestrigger.

I have read two books on PTSD, two on depression, two on dealing with Menopause, and one a long time ago dealing with pms, and lastly a book on multiple personality disorder. Our family Dr., then a counselor, then two other family Drs. diagnosed my wife with bi-polar disorder/manic depression. However, the psychiatrist that treated my wife with EMDR diagnosed her with PTSD. Two other counselors stated that she has PTSD.

I don't know. I am not a Dr.

I can list all the symptoms. My wife believes that she has PTSD because of trauma.

One example of the trauma that we both endured was discovering that our two youngest sons were sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally abused for a 3+ year period, every week by eight adults, in the church where I was the pastor and my wife was the worship leader.

My wife home schooled our sons. The ONLY time our sons were out of our sight was during the time I was preaching and she was leading worship. The hurt my wife and I suffered was unbearable. It was horrific for my sons and wife. It was horrific for me, my sons told me. Yes, my sons received extensive counseling. They are great now.

The revelation that my sons were abused caused my wife to have an emotional/psycological break. I appologize if all of my terminology is not correct. I am not a Dr. We received counseling. Our family received counseling.

I love my wife. I truly do.

Maybe she does not have PTSD. I don't know. 3 Drs. have said she has PTSD. However, I do know my wife treats me with utter contempt. If an individual is truely capable of HATING someone...then my wife HATES me. However, a part of her cycles and occasionally is kind.

The book I recently finished described multiple personality disorder. She fits the profile.
However, she is convinced she has PTSD.