I Am Celibate. Sex Has Impacted My Life. Is It Possible To Have Everything Else? I'm Lonely

[HOME ALONE]

My friends say it's possible but I really have a hard time believing it.

 

[Hashi]

Home Alone, could you say what "to have everything else" means to you? If you could say a bit more about the "everything else" it would help to understand.

What do you think could help you feel less lonely? I'm sorry that you are.

 

[saffy]

Sorry to hear that you are lonely Home alone.

I feel the same way.

For me I need to find what the connection is in a relationship if sex was not important to me.

Don't get me wrong I like the thought of being intimate but have such bad past experiences that being intimate is far off the agenda at the moment. I also need to find a connection other than sex.

I am hoping for me that I will learn that I am worth more as a person first. I think my first boyfriend scarred me by saying I was no use for anything else. But having no idea how to connect any other way paved the way for more unsatisfying relationships.

As I have grown though I have found that most mature men do not just want sex, in fact they get bored quickly if sex is the only connection. So I have to work on my self esteem to know that I can offer much more than just sex.

Sex in fact should be the last thing on the agenda when getting to know someone and work on a good connection and establish a soul mate. When that connection is made and I feel ready then I will know and I would hope that this man would be mature enough not to push me into it, and take care of me when I do. If I do not get those vibes then my legs stay shut, so to say ;)

Hashi is right in asking what 'everything else is' because it is different for everyone.

You are not alone in being alone :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[HOME ALONE]

I have 3 convicted sex offenders that have soiled my world and this has resulted in my refusal to let anyone that close to me anymore. I have come to feel that the only safe future for me is one spent without companionship because every time I become involved with someone, I literally wince when the inevitable sexual expectations become apparent.

I am a really happy person with no-one to share the world with now that I'm on my on again. An agoraphobic streak caused by a stalker that has breached a restraining order 4 times has made my world very small. My best pal passed away about the same time the PTSD became really disabling and victim services has hidden me in a part of my city where I know No-one. I'd just really like to laugh my ass off with someone at 3am. I am simply afraid of the "secret life" insanity but a lonely life is not a particularly desirable alternative.

If you could say a bit more about the "everything else" it would help to understand.

Meeting someone who understands and respects me.

I feel the same way.

For me I need to find what the connection is in a relationship if sex was not important to me.

Hopefully my new post helps to better explain my circumstances. Thank You for your kind words.

 

[Britt.f7]

Most of my marriage has been celibate because of my issues. I have a very understanding and supportive husband. So, I would say it is possible to find someone to share life with you at 3 a.m.. It wasn't without trial and error though. I found him, or he found me, when I set my ideals straight.

No one can say what is right for you. You can only decide that. Things are possible.

 

[HOME ALONE]

Funny thought..my marriages (2- I was married at 16 for about an hour) were not without sex. I am sad to say I should have won an Oscar. Sex more of a gift to the one I was with than a shared experience, and when the gift became a duty, I felt I was violating myself. I want to be able to trust again.

My second marriage was to a man with a secret, sordid life and we spent almost all of our time together. We worked together, raised our children together, had what I thought was a good thing. The level to which I was deceived was beyond anything I had ever heard of. I did not have a peer group.

My time was spent watching the twin towers fall over and over again in a documentary made by two brothers about the disaster. Life lost, and reality skewed to the breaking point and beyond in the time it took to have a cigarette and a coffee. Please do not misunderstand. I do not equate my loss with the victims'. It was the similar dynamic i found solace in.

My Mother remembers that to this day and still shudders remembering me in shock, fetal positoned, shaking crying and unable to eat anything that wasn't forced on me for 2 months. I realized why they called it a "Nervous breakdown". I felt the fusebox that was my nervous system short-circuiting and arcing electricity throughout my body. I was experiencing severe tremors 24/7 and lost 19 pounds in two months.

That was a long time ago now, and I am still under reconstruction. The horrendous reverberations that quaked through my world were like aftershocks, a few points lower but still toppling the already weakened infrastructure of my family. But I am still here! I did not choose for those things to happen to me. I did not position myself for this level of stress nor was I groomed for it but it's here, and I am still lovable, just untouchable. It's like being a ghost who wants the companionship of a whole person.

 

[safenow]

Be sure to double space between paragraphs. It's hard to read it this way.

I realized why they called it a "Nervous breakdown".

Bless your heart. After my children were kidnapped I had a major nervous breakdown. It is like an electrical short circuit in many ways.

I'm glad you are still here. I am glad you are working on pulling yourself together and getting stronger.

After my last marriage, I decided I'd never be with another man again. Its like for me, if I hadn't had bad luck in my life, I'd have had no luck at all. He as an evil, wicked man, and if he was still alive, I'd still be terrified of him. The FBI took care of me for over 8 years to stay safe from him. But he left me with major triggers and fear factors even today.

Frankly, I haven't had sex since 1982, and I don't miss it. But you'd have to know my history to understand why I say that. And believe me, you don't want to know my history. I have a dear friend who lives in another country, but he checks on me from time to time, and when I need to, I can call him and we can talk 24/7 if need be. He is just what I needed. When I need company and people who understand, I can come here. I know that isn't the same as having someone to hold you, etc. But for me, I can't handle human touches. Not even good ones.

 

[HOME ALONE]

I too am under the protection of the judicial system. Victim Services put me into hiding in 2008 and I am still here.
I actually tried to move just 2 weeks ago, found a place, and told Victim Services where I wanted to go. They in turn informed me that it was unsafe for me to move there because he was 2 blocks away.. My daughter lives 4 blocks away with my son-in-law and my 3mos old grandaughter. They advised her to get a restraining order.
This is really hard to deal with all alone. I am very glad I took the step and joined this group. thank you for everything

 

[safenow]

(((( Home Alone )))), if you allow them. My heart goes out to you. I hope your daughter does get the restraining order. The only bad thing about them is you have to tell the offending party where you will be. sigh. When I first got away from my last husband my attorney advised against it. And she was right, that piece of paper doesn't stop bullets.

Stay safe, and be safe. I'm glad you have the help you need to stay safe.

 

[rightkindofme]

The last time I was raped I was twenty-five. Over the previous twenty-three years I was raped by twelve people.

I am married and we have an active sex life. I'm thirty one. He was the first person to ever ask me my "story". He understands me in a way no one else has ever in my life. Finding him was an accident. We've been married for six and a half years. I actively work on having sex because I deliberately married someone with a high libido after having a bunch of partners who used withholding sex as a way of punishing me.

It's hard to feel like I have to have sex. We have talked frankly about how two years is the absolute limit of celibacy he will endure before he will need to find another sex partner. I think the longest we have gone is three months after childbirth.

It's all so complicated.

For so much of my life sex has been absolutely required of me. I feel weird about being "part of something" now. Like I owe him. I know I "shouldn't" feel like that but I do. :-\

 

[HOME ALONE]

I am so glad you have found someone to share your life with and someone that wants to truly understand and love the essential you. That is very rare.

 

[HOME ALONE]

(((( Home Alone )))), if you allow them. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for the hug, I really needed that :) He has already breached a restraining order 4x so I know what you mean.