I Am Hating Men More And More

[Onefineday]

I need a bit of venting, whenever I watch tv or something my issues start to bug me. Tiger Woods- accussed of having an affair. Mike Rann- accused of having an affair. Movies with all these sleasy guys trying to hook up with girls. When I watched a comedy festival on tv they were making jokes about sex. It's like everywhere I turn there is something that just convinces me more and more that the way I feel is correct.

 

[helena]

Okay.... how do I say this.

OFD sex, in itself, is not bad. It is natural. It is natural that men want to have sex with women and vice versa.

None of us would be here if it were not for sex... it is life.

When sex is used as a weapon it is bad... but women do that to men too.

It is not going to happen overnight but I think, in time, you will come to accept that not every man is out to hurt a woman... or you.

Some do...some dont. You just have to pick the right one, stay away from the bad ones and make sure you treat the good ones right.

(That's the same for all of us... ptsd or not)

Big hugs

Helena
xx

 

[Pam]

What is OFD sex?

 

[helena]

Oh Pam, I burst out laughing when I read your post!

OFD is short for Onefineday - not a new type of sex act!!! lol

lmao

Helena:rofl:

 

[Onefineday]

I know it's not meant to be bad, but I can't get out of my head that it is. It's not just the sex, it's all of it. I have never been raped or anything, but I have been expecting it for a long time. I think it nearly did happen once when I was walking down the street one night to use the payphone and 3 guys came up to me and all started hugging me. One of them started going a bit far, making comments about my body and saying it was obvious I wanted to have sex with them, one of the others said to just ignore him, and the other stood there and laughed the whole time. If the other 2 guys were more like the first guy I know I would have ended up raped.
It is very hard to explain, but in the past I always knew it wasn't the truth and that is was just me, but now I'm starting to get in my head that it IS true. I haven't seen any proof that it isn't, everyone can say to me 'oh they aren't all like that', but until I see it I can't feel otherwise.
I just feel that guys want gratification from women, that they may have feelings for her but the sex is just for sex, not because he cares or anything. And I don't just mean sex, I mean control, power, a trophy, a game, whatever.
I understand that women do it to men too, but how many MENS shelters are there? How many MENS helplines are there? How many campaigns for abuse against MEN are there? Here in Australia they are advertising that a lot on tv, the laws against womens abuse, and it just makes me think if the government has to toughen the laws against it, and advertise it on the tv, then it isn't an uncommon thing.
All I've ever seen is men like that, all I've ever seen is women who are so God damn naive that they fall for it.

I'm sure everyone is getting so pissed off at hearing me say all that, this is usually the point that people start getting mad at me and telling me I'm horrible for feeling that way. But frankly, if it's not the truth, I'd like to see the proof.

 

[helena]

Hi OFD,

I doubt anyone is getting pissed off with you... most people can understand where you are coming from and it is good to get this stuff out in the open.

Everything you describe about those experiences is bad so I can understand completely why you would hold a negative view about men.

The fact that you are so aware is good... it will stop you making mistakes and help you choose the right man - when you are ready.

There is no law to say you have to get married... you don't have to be with a man if you don't want a relationship and plenty of women stay single nowadays.

The most important thing for you is to stay safe and feel safe and hopefully with your therapist you can work through these things if you feel they are holding you back.

Hugs... hope your cleaning is going well??? Haven't checked for the latest update yet

xx

 

[Onefineday]

The thing is, I DO want a relationship, I do want to be with someone. After 22 years it's starting to get a bit lonely. In fact it is one of the things I want more than anything at the moment. But I feel like having a real relationship where someone actually cares and has tolerance and is a decent person is just a fantasy, I'll never find that in reality. I'll never find a guy who will say 'yes I can understand, yes I will tolerate it', I'll never find someone who is a friend to me, who listens, who I can have a RELATIONSHIP with. It's not a reality. It just won't happen to me.
I did find one guy I thought was decent, then he went off with another chick. Even though he has tried to appologise to me recently, he has appologised before, and then went back to her. He doesn't have the ability to make up his mind and he's too pathetic to even get the courage to tell me. Now he's all appologies. I wish I could forgive him, but I just couldn't. As much as I know he's being honest I can't bring myself to cave in, I couldn't go crawling to a guy, I couldn't let them treat me that way.
My cleaning is not going so well, I have officially done... nothing. I have thought about it at least!

 

[anni]

Hi,
I was reading your posts again . I was a little sidetracked by the OFD sex question and see Helena rolled around a great deal also! Oh my- SO funny!

Helena does have a lot of very even, pragmatic and kind advice. It's nice to read these folks because when I'm reactive as heck this is the sort of thing that can sometimes make me just stop and BREATHE. :)

Oh my, OFD, you're really having such an awful, hypereactive, hypervigilent time of it, I'm so sorry! You do NOT, incidently, talk about yourself 'too much'. You've had some completely hellish traumas and the fact that you can still speak , much less function and write means you're stronger than you think you are.

I'm not a professional but it seems as if maybe you're doing that re-directing 'thing', where the anger from everything you were blasted with is being directed at one single target, men? Don't get me wrong, every person in my CPTSD is a power-mongering, abusive.sleeze-bucket MAN. It's not at all surprising that they'd be your target, believe me! The behaviour of some of them in general I'm sure isn't doing your opinion any good at all!!

I'm sure you realize this, but it does seems as if perhaps some therapist here or there could have helped you dissect, and so disempower this frame of thought which is causing you so much pain! Please do keep posting. I just can't imagine the pain you must be having which is making all this anger worse all the time! Please also do not imagine for a moment I'm 'telling' you what your pain is, it just seemed as if this might be the case.

Please do take care?

Anni

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear OFD,

Perhaps, as you said, because a relationship is something "you want more than anything at the moment", "fear" is complicating the situation and triggering you?

What I mean perhaps more clearly is, when I "run away", I justify it in my thoughts on how it is the best option for myself and others. My thoughts "feel" rational, and valid and an accurate assessment of the situation/ my life. What I really know now though is that much is based on fear, which sets off more triggers, which increases my fear, and thus I feel even more "correct" and look for and have very "valid" reasons to run away. It's a viscious cycle unless it/ you interupt it.


Take it slow, and hope you can be kind to yourself.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Pam]

Have you seen the movie "Moonstruck"? There is a scene where the momma keeps asking other people, "Why do men chase younger women?" She gets several different answers but continues to ask anyway until it appears she gets the answer she is looking for. Please take this in the spirit it is given, but ODF, do you think you might have something in common with the momma? Is it possible that this problem has not improved for you because you keep asking till you get the answer you want?

 

[Onefineday]

Pam, maybe you are right in a way, I am looking for an answer, but I don't actually feel as though the answer I want exsists. I feel as though I am just hoping for some fairytale that will never happen, and that is, a guy who genuinely cares about me and not all his own 'needs'.

Junebug, I think you are right too, I do get scared off from my own fears and it seems rational. I rarely like a guy, but when I do I want to be with him (having said that it may not be the case anymore, since the last guy I liked, my feelings have become worse). But when something starts to happen I panic and run off. An example- when I was 19 I was studying and there was a guy in my group that I liked. In fact I think a lot of the girls did. He was really funny and a nice guy. I started to really have feelings for him, and then, he got drunk with another girl in our group and they hooked up. I was absolutely shattered, and there were all these different stories that they had sex, they didn't, he told her he liked her, she told him she liked him, etc. I was flipping because I wanted him to know how I felt. Well it turned out he didn't actually like her in that way and I was happy. Then it started going around that he and I were together. Everyone in our class thought we were together because we got along so well, and I was stoked even though it wasn't true. Then he stayed at my house one night (nothing special it was just as friends), but being alone with him, I started to freak. And then I started to find him really revolting, and all that feeling of hate and disgust came back. Then a friend ended up telling him I liked him and asked if he liked me, he said he did but he didn't think I was 'mentally stable' enough to be with someone at that point. That pissed me off and my feelings were gone.
My point of that story is, I can like a guy (as rare as it is), but as soon as anything happens, everything suddenly makes a change and my feelings disappear and I find them revolting. I have never been good with intimacy, I never really got it growing up so I can't even stand the thought of being close to someone. I can be friends with no problem, but anything more and that fear comes over me. I am so over him now though, looking back on it he was just some teenager looking for a screw, he told me he didn't have feelings for our other friend yet he got drunk and used that advantage to hook up with her twice. I'm glad I didn't fall all the way in.

I think I am just so used to seeing other people get hurt that I stay away completely so that there is not even the chance for a guy to consider screwing me over. I can't stand the thought of feeling that stupidity of being messed around, of falling for it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

OFD,

Did you ever stop and think about the statement that he made, that you were mentally unstable????? It's quite possible that this is the impression that you give to others!!!

I have read through this thread, and I keep hearing the same thing over and over again, how you hate men more and more. I'm beginning to think that you hate men, because they can't seem to live *Up* to your standards. Setting standards is great, but when you set them too high, NO ONE and live up to them, and you feel let down again.....

One thing about men....Sex is on their minds, a lot, but it isn't their main focus in life. However some men, that are immature, don't quite express themselves very well. It's possible that you are attracted to the more immature ones, that haven't figured out yet that they need to think with their *big head* and not their *little head*.......

I will say this again.........Not all men are pigs, there are good ones out there..........Lower your standards, and try looking for more mature men.......