JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
I have two boys and though I occasionally have difficulties with the younger one, my biggest challenge with him is not getting triggered when dealing with potty training (diapers never bothered me, but potty training with him has). As well as PTSD, I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) and I can't always reason with parts or be co-conscious with them.
My older child and I have had our ups and downs. He just knows how to get one part really upset (of course he doesn't know it's a part or what that even means). He just knows that there is a really angry side to Mommy that will yell at him. I kind of get it, too. He is such a martyr at times and overly dramatic. But no one deserves to be yelled at. I have heard it all before- every parent yells at their child. I do not see this as the same thing.
Saturday night I was alone with my kids (usually my husband is around) and we played a nice civil game of "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus"...that is until my older son came in last. Then, he yelled and cried and said he never wins anything and that he has the worst life and that his brother always wins everything (I won the game not his brother) and on and on he went until I disappeared and the part took over.
I instructed both to get ready for bed and took a break in my office. Amazingly the younger one did almost everything on his own. I got a little break, calmed the part down, and was able to read to both children. I apologized to my older son and hugged him and explained that sometimes I can't control the yelling, but that's why I keep going to get help with that. I told him I loved him.
Tonight, I asked him to eat his French Toast with a fork and he rolled his eyes, growled, and dropped what was left of it on the floor. I quickly got up and left because I could feel what was going to happen if I didn't. So here I am alone in my office again trying to calm my part and worrying that I have ruined my child.
He has always been a little challenging, but it got a lot worse after the car accident. The accident is when I remembered all the horrible things that came before that in my life and realized I had DID. When I went back into the hospital in February, I talked to him about why in terms he could understand. And he looked at me and said, "So you're going so that things can be like they were before the accident?" He was 3 then and is 7 now. I was shocked that he can remember before versus after. He could accurately describe the morning after how Daddy and his uncle weren't there, but Grammie was and going to the hospital to see Daddy and his uncle. He remembers me taking him into my bed to tell him about it. The fact that he knows that things are different is what tells me that I have ruined him.
I've been gone for long periods of time, I have been gone to the ER many times, I have yelled at him (even if it's a part, it's still me), I spend a lot of time resting, I can't always play when he wants me to. All of this is having an impact on him. I don't want to break my child. I want him to grow up without this affecting him, but that can never happen. And I feel horrible for that.
My older child and I have had our ups and downs. He just knows how to get one part really upset (of course he doesn't know it's a part or what that even means). He just knows that there is a really angry side to Mommy that will yell at him. I kind of get it, too. He is such a martyr at times and overly dramatic. But no one deserves to be yelled at. I have heard it all before- every parent yells at their child. I do not see this as the same thing.
Saturday night I was alone with my kids (usually my husband is around) and we played a nice civil game of "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus"...that is until my older son came in last. Then, he yelled and cried and said he never wins anything and that he has the worst life and that his brother always wins everything (I won the game not his brother) and on and on he went until I disappeared and the part took over.
I instructed both to get ready for bed and took a break in my office. Amazingly the younger one did almost everything on his own. I got a little break, calmed the part down, and was able to read to both children. I apologized to my older son and hugged him and explained that sometimes I can't control the yelling, but that's why I keep going to get help with that. I told him I loved him.
Tonight, I asked him to eat his French Toast with a fork and he rolled his eyes, growled, and dropped what was left of it on the floor. I quickly got up and left because I could feel what was going to happen if I didn't. So here I am alone in my office again trying to calm my part and worrying that I have ruined my child.
He has always been a little challenging, but it got a lot worse after the car accident. The accident is when I remembered all the horrible things that came before that in my life and realized I had DID. When I went back into the hospital in February, I talked to him about why in terms he could understand. And he looked at me and said, "So you're going so that things can be like they were before the accident?" He was 3 then and is 7 now. I was shocked that he can remember before versus after. He could accurately describe the morning after how Daddy and his uncle weren't there, but Grammie was and going to the hospital to see Daddy and his uncle. He remembers me taking him into my bed to tell him about it. The fact that he knows that things are different is what tells me that I have ruined him.
I've been gone for long periods of time, I have been gone to the ER many times, I have yelled at him (even if it's a part, it's still me), I spend a lot of time resting, I can't always play when he wants me to. All of this is having an impact on him. I don't want to break my child. I want him to grow up without this affecting him, but that can never happen. And I feel horrible for that.
