I Can't Hold Any Friendships And I Feel Like I Don't Belong Anywhere...

[saffy]

Hi sharky

Yes I found that learning what assertiveness means has really helped me too. It has helped me realise that I have rights and needs too and I am entitled to look after them, whilst respecting others needs and rights too. :)

I have not got a book though I found this online through pure luck really. I am not sure if you have seen this but thought I would share at I think it is a good site. :)

http://www.skillsyouneed.com/interpersonal-skills.html SOrry if I have given you this before. :)

I cannot control what others think, feel, or do. And they cannot do the same to me.

I agree totally, also 'I cannot assume I know what they are thinking or feeling' and visa versa :)

I have also learnt to prioritise things that are important to me. So if I do something before I would be worried about what others might think or that they might laugh or mock etc etc. But now I like to think what I am doing is more important to me than what a bunch of strangers think or believe. If they are strangers they are not important to me and as long as I am not doing anything to hurt them or damage their lives then I can carry on doing what I think is important. My needs have been neglected through be so anxious about other people. Now I have learnt I have every right to look after my own needs and that is not selfish and that I am worth it. :)

All these things though are personal skills and are learnt. YOu are born innocent but it is how you learn to communicate and feel about yourself and others whilst growing up. Trauma during those years, or even later when you have established what you think are your rights and needs, can make us loose these skills or not trust these skills or doubt your skills. So they have to be relearnt so that you can become a more rational mature person with less anxiety, with is directly correlated with low self esteem and confidence, and be able to cope with daily life better.

Does that ring true with you?

I think if you cannot find a good therapist finding out as much about your mental illness can really help you understand some of your behaviours and thoughts. It made sense to me as soon as I found out about PTSD and it all suddenly totally made sense. At least now I have something to work from.

Therapist are far and few and expensive in the UK, unfortunately, and I think others would agree, the UK is far behind and and there is still a lot of stigma and misunderstanding in regards to mental illness. It did not help that Tatcher, one of our MPS in the 80s, decided to close mental hospitals and put them out to care in the community. Obviously she has not idea about mental illness, although I thought she was an egocentric bitch, because the community are not therapists and can actually make the illness worse. Which is what has happened and we have a massive problem with it here. The government like to blame weed and other drugs but we all know the truth.

I am glad you have said about the book and If I find anything that helps me I too like to share it with as many people as I can because it might just help them too.

I am glad you are feeling better inside and about yourself. It feels good doesn't it. Work on your skills and those feelings will be more then norm in the end. :) That's what I believe anyway. :)

Speak soon

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

PS, I think as long as you communicate your feelings it doesn't matter how you do it. Writing them down can really help and I actually prefer that method. That is why I like it on here I think and find this theraputic. If you think about it a lot of people communicate like this through music, books, poetry, blogs etc. :)

As for the sister you did the right thing. Let her sit and think about her behaviour and her attitude towards your friendship. You just stick to your guns you have explained and let her know you cannot do more than that, its is up to her now. If she doesn't come through, well is that really a loss? Would you want a friend like this anyway. Plenty of other people out there you have not even met yet :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[sharky]

:) You're awesome Saffy. <3

 

[saffy]

HI sharkey,

It has been a while, I know. But wondered how you are getting on.

Having moved recently from a village to small town my social anxiety has shot through the roof and this does not help things obviously.

I can also totally understand the problem of not have a sense of belonging. It appears that this could be the reason for me moving so often. I am not looking for something exciting or a change, I am looking for somewhere that I feel I belong.

However, I have also correlated the problem with fitting in with my social anxiety which then makes me feel I do not belong. Does that make sense? It is like a vicious circle. :)

Although I still stand by everything I said in my last posts, it is amazing the more you get to know the problem the more you get to deal with the nitty gritty of it rather than just bandaging over the cracks, so to speak.

I did a social anxiety scale (psychology test) and came out 104 out of 144 which indicates severe social anxiety. Although before this I just thought people either did not understand me or just was not bothered about anyone except themselves. I can see now that when my anxiety raises I tend to go into this flight fight response which make them fear me and back off. Exasperating the problem of not belonging.

Anyway I thought I would share this with you in the hope it helps you too. At least now I have something to work on. We will see. :)

http://psychology-tools.com/liebowitz-social-anxiety-scale/

I hope you are well and things are sorted with your sister and in things in general :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Powder]

Sharky, in reading your initial posts, I felt like I went back in time to me at age 21 exactly, for what you describe is what life felt like for me then.

I desperately needed someone to care for me, and I was afraid I couldn't care for myself. My boyfriend could not offer me the kind of care I needed. He tried but couldn't.

Life had already shown me how cruel it was, and I needed something to show me a kinder side to life. I couldn't stand to be alone, and when that feeling of loneliness mixed into all the rest, I cut words into my arm once. Death. I didn't finish the word. I was feeling suicidal as well.

As you grow and work your way into further independence and self-sufficiency, these feelings get better. You feel less edgy and paranoid, having your own back.

But I'm 36, and it hasn't all become a bed of roses; but I do feel more in control and strong on my own.

I certainly have a long ways to go, and maybe I haven't even gone that far really, but I promise that with effort and work toward being independent, you will feel better and different and less worried what others think of you. You will know they are right or wrong based on what you think. You're right on the cusp of it now, so I know you'll make it soon. Keep working like you are and you will be doing really well.

I agree that you wrote really well for what you went through; you reflected upon it with a strong voice. That warrior woman is wise, she just needs to know what is worth fighting for, and she will. :)

Good job getting rid of toxic people. That is ahead of your age at 21. You're doing great,

Muse

 

[sharky]

Thank you Saffy and Muse. I am having a little trouble concentrating right now so I can only get the gist of what you guys are saying.

I might have an actual reply later on when I am thinking a bit more clearly. Saffy, I'd like to message you in a few days and just kind of chat, if that's okay?

 

[Powder]

I've been thinking more on what you said here. I have been working hard inside on how I perceive myself. However, I realize that I also have suffered based on how I think others see me. And I know, objectively, that I am not spot on about that. Others often see me as far better in all areas than I see myself. This tells me I have a low self-appraisal, or lower self-image than is actually socially supported.

However, negative input from anyone seems to fed that lower image. That's why I think it's so important to defy and turn my back on those who offer negative inputs or judgments that are not based on anything real.

It's quite important to limit myself to feedback from those I trust to be honest with me, gentle with me, and who see my good points. If someone doesn't have those positives in place with me, then I can't take any negative feedback from them without suspecting it of a bad motive.

So an internet person who you don't yet trust to know your good points is not a reliable source of any judgment of you.

I'd say my H who I've been married to for 15 years probably has a more accurate assessment of me than I do, sometimes. I find it hard to accept his positive feedback. But I appreciate it for what it is. I get that it's accurate and well-intended. I need to try to assimilate it somehow and see myself through the mirror he's holding up.

What I'm saying is, that crap someone fed you is rubbish. It's hard enough to hear the truth from someone who loves you and sees you in your best possible light, with all your best and all your potential. Why listen to anyone who is not on that path?

See an imaginary garbage bin or can with a big lid. See all the stupid stuff unhealthy and ill-intended people say going into that can; and then see the lid slamming shut on it. Hear the boom of the lid slamming down on it. Leave it there, where it truly belongs. Then, create a special heart-shaped box, and carefully place all the compliments and truths that you know are reality based and come from a "good place" from others. Actually write those positive and true statements down or print them out. Put them in a real box and open and read it from time to time. :)

You'll see it working fast. Remember Truth + Love = Real You! :)

So rooting for you! Much love, Muse

 

[saffy]

HI Sharkey and Muse,

Saffy, I'd like to message you in a few days and just kind of chat, if that's okay?

Yes of course you can PM me Sharkey if you like. :)

I understand what you say about self affirmations and boxing the good and bad, Muse, It does make sense.

I find it hard to validate anything I think is good about myself. I think, like sharkey, It is important to have and need encouragement and support rather than critical appraisals, no matter how good intent the person seems to have.

I find myself that I get too anxious about trying to belong, which of course backfires, gets me rejected and so the circle continues.

I tend not to listen to negative remarks, although in some cases my skin is very thin. Whilst I am trying to prove who I am, or who I think I am inside, I am kept at arms length with no encouragement or support from anyone. The opposite infact. Maybe I just try too hard?? who knows.

HOw you ever get the feeling of belonging is another matter. I will see what the therapist says. :0

I think a part of belonging is being valued and accepted for who you are. If you do not feel valued, I suppose you feel you do not belong. What is the point of belonging to someone who doesn't value you? How you get to be valued is a mystery to me. Sorry could not be more help Sharkey.

Anyway. It has been good to chat about it and maybe we can come up with some answers between us all.?? who knows. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)